Bizarro Icon Shirts

Hello again, my fabulous friends. A reader posted a comment yesterday saying he/she liked the T-shirts in the 3-legged race cartoon and wished they were available. Because I want nothing more in life than to solicit the love of strangers, I have made it happen.

Here is a site in which all manner of products are available with my world-famous iconic images that lead you down the treacherous path to Ultimate Bizarro Awareness.

Veiw them, buy them, wear them, vote in them, change the world with them. I beg of you.

Scary Products

Hey, you crazy mofos, I want to share with you some kewl new products that a good friend of mine (a talented artist/designer whom I taught everything he knows when he first got out of art school) has launched along with his wife to try to feed their new kid.

As readers of this blog well know, I'm completely against human reproduction, so I will never speak to my friend again. The child, however, who didn't ask to be brought into this heinous world, is innocent and deserves to eat. So check out the site and buy some crap. If you want to look like me, I'll be sporting the devil and scary clown shirts. There are other worthy designs there, too.

Don't forget to click the images herein to enlargenate. Be careful with the clown, though. When large, it will scare the chutney out of you.

Nuclear Summer

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by the word, "Nucular."
"He who cannot control his tongue, cannot hope to control his mind." – Fortune Cookie

This cartoon appeared in newspapers vertically, as opposed to horizontally, as it is shown here, and represents the first time I've ever done that with a panel-shaped cartoon. (I have done it on occasion with the strip format, however.) Readers seeing it in the newspaper had to turn the paper sideways or crane their neck to see it properly. (Why "crane" our necks and never "flamingo" our necks?)

This is a version of an idea that my buddy and occasional writing partner, Phil Witte sent me. His idea was a couple of normal kids being passed in a 3-legged race by a kid with three legs. I liked the idea, but added the twist of his having four legs and having to hold one up, with the nuclear (pronounced properly) reactors in the background. These are typical of the sort of adjustments that are sometimes made to cartoon ideas I get from other people. Other times, I use them verbatim. I love ideas from others, but still write around 85% or 90% of my own jokes.

I also like the subtle addition of his three eyes and the eye on his shirt. I always like to give readers plenty to look at.

Slavery Sarcasm

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Controversy Industries, Inc. "Looking for trouble? We've got it in over 250 different styles and colors!"

I normally post cartoons a week after they run in papers, but this one has attracted a lot of negative mail so I wanted to address it sooner.

Contrary to what many people assumed, this cartoon is not intended to make light of slavery or racism. My intention was to point out that modern "feel good" marketing techniques are no more honest than this kind of technique would have been during legal slavery in America. My earnest apology goes to anyone who misinterpreted it. I'm not into pushing those kinds of buttons.

Words like "free-range," "organic," and "humane," make consumers believe that animals are being well treated and that the environment is not being damaged. This is a patent lie in virtually all cases. Animal agriculture at current rates is always cruel to animals and damaging to the environment. Any animal that goes to a slaughterhouse has experienced the ultimate cruelty. It's a no-brainer, there is no such thing as "humane meat".

I don't personally believe that cruelty to any species of animal is less immoral than cruelty to our fellow humans. To me, we are all the same in our desire to be pain free, happy, and alive. I don't believe this because I am vegan, I am vegan because I believe this.

For the record, I also refrain from buying products from countries with serious human rights issues. (Although everything under the sun is made in China so to be ardent about this I'd have to live naked in the woods.)

I hope this alleviates some angry readers. If not, send me an email and I'll respond personally.
If you're interested, here is a website about what your animal-based food goes through.

MGM Weddings

This Bizarro is brought to you by something clever, which I cannot at the moment think of.

If you're alive in America right now, you've probably been invited to a foreign wedding. This seems to be the new trend, I've been to four in the past three years.

Even though I poke fun of foreign-destination weddings in this cartoon, I actually kind of like them. Unlike people with real jobs, I can usually afford to get away for a while and I fly so much that I have lots of frequent-flier miles. They are usually three-or-four-day parties and fairly spectacular.

One thing I've noticed over the years, however, is that the more money a couple spends on their wedding, the shorter the marriage tends to last. That's not always true, of course, but I have a general theory that if it is important to you to make an MGM musical out of your wedding, chances are it is disguising some insecurity about the relationship.

Before you start filling the comment box with examples of that not being true, remember that it's just a general rule of mine and carries no legal weight or obligation. Your results may vary.

Die Like Howard

This episode of Bizarro is brought to you by our nation's airline industry. "We charge whatever we feel like for every tiny thing, but at least security is unreasonably inconvenient and our service is undependable."

(Click image to enlargenate)

Just got back from South Dakota and wow, what a trip. Can't really go into it in detail here, maybe someday, but the sites were beautiful and I got to spend a lot of time climbing thick, forested mountains alone, which proved essential for my emotional well being.

This cartoon came from my wondering what might happen if Superman fell asleep while flying. I'm notorious for not being able to drive for more than an hour without conking out and though I've never had an accident, I've taken a few unexpected side trips through scenic roadside culverts.

I despise car trips anyway, so there is no love lost. But with airlines becoming more expensive, less reliable, and increasingly inconvenient because of our great nation's idiotic security system, I hate to fly, too.

More all the time, I just want to stay home. Fortunately, I live in a city where you can never run out of new things to see and do. Someday I may hole up in my house like Howard Hughes and die with long, white hair and beard and fingernails the length of shoe strings.

Mounting Patriotism

I'm viewing life from the Mount Rushmore area of South Dakota this week, dodging overweight patriots by the thousands. There are more stars and stripes around here than at a Republican convention, and nary a morsel of tofu for miles. It's alternately fascinating, fun, and frightening. I've been going through scotch and cigars like they were salsa and chips.

If I don't post for the rest of the week, it's because I'm drunk on our nation's birthday. Or I've been accidentally crushed by 350-lbs Nebraskan wrapped in our nation's flag. "Hey lady, there's a little flat New Yorker stuck to the seat of your pants."