Hammer Time

(To enlarge the above image and inspect it in all its glorious detail, click on the statue's buttock)

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Sweatin' to the Oldies.

As a lifelong fan of classical art, I'm partial to this cartoon. It was a collaborative effort between myself and Todd Clark, a very good gag writer and talented cartoonist in his own right. He lives in Boise, Idaho and as such, has no friends. Most people won't even talk to him unless he moves. I feel sorry for him and correspond with him from time to time, and he gives me gag ideas for free as a way of thanks. It's kind of sad, I know, but he's a really talented guy and just as nice as a bowl of heated walnuts.

So he tosses me this idea that Rodin's famous statue, "The Thinker" originally had a thought balloon. I thought it was genius. So I fluggled around with it ( cartoonist lingo) and came up with the above image. A bit of interesting trivia regarding this cartoon: I make a cameo appearance in the background, can you spot me? The answer will be at the bottom of this page.

The image at left ran with the Rodin cartoon in some markets. It is an old gag of mine that I like to use as a title box with classical art cartoons. The original cartoon had a caption across the bottom that said, "Unfinished Self-Portrait."

I'm really proud of this self-portrait cartoon, it's one of my top five favorites I've ever written. Not because it's drop-dead funny, but because it is strange and thought provoking. I'm not sure what it means, but I'll bet it's profound. Maybe a shrink could analyze it and pontificate about my subconscious desire to be conquered by a hammer. Or perhaps it represents my inner struggle against petrification. "Am I but a stone?! Am I not flesh and blood!" he cried out in vain to the deaf sculptor.

No idea where that came from, my apologies.

Answer to today's puzzle: the skull in the drawing on the wall is mine.

Big-Headed Keister Dance

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Barry Bonds brand denture adhesive.

I like to watch sports on TV. Not all sports–I'm not a fanatic who wears a lot of sports clothing or drives a car with a big Patriots logo painted on it or has his front teeth enameled with "KU." I'm more of an average fan who likes to watch sports on TV while I'm sketching cartoons, gets wrapped up in the playoffs from time-to-time, and loves highlight reels of people doing amazing things like catching and throwing simultaneously while six feet off the ground and upside down, or running full speed into the Gatorade stand and wiping out half of the marching band.

I'm also a big fan of sports mascots. What a hideous, thankless job it must be to wear a foam rubber suit and jump around like a leprechaun with a jalapeno up his keister. The only upside to a job like that is that you're anonymous, so you can pretend it isn't supremely humiliating. I once read a story about a mascot who extolled the virtues of "getting paid to watch the game." True, but you're watching it through a mesh-covered fun fur slit with a cascade of sweat pouring down your face. I'd pay a hundred bucks to alleviate those symptoms if they were affecting my enjoyment of the game, wouldn't you?

On the subject of steroids, I say legalize them all. If consenting adults want to pour chemicals into their bodies and become freakish lab experiments to be able to jump higher or throw harder or look lumpier, what do I care? If they get so freakish that they are scaring the fans, we can always cover them up in fun fur.

Fueling Fools

Bizarro is brought to you today by Alien Technology Corporation.

I'm not a person who embraces the spiritual, mystical, mythical, or ethereal. I don't believe in Big Foot or Zeus or psychic phenomenon or ghosts. I used to add UFOs to that list without hesitation, but now I'm not so sure.

I've not had a UFO experience of any kind – unless you count the time I came across this Unusually Fetching Obelisk – but I've heard enough reputable people stand up before the press and say they have that it opens my mind a bit.

A smart guy once wrote that mathematically speaking, extra-terrestrial life is a possibility. Even if there is only a one-in-a-billion chance of intelligent life evolving on another planet, since there are a billion billion planets, that means that there should be a billion planets with intelligent life. That's all hypothetical, of course, but you get the idea.

If there were a billion planets with intelligent life, it is not impossible to believe that one or more of them might have been intelligent enough to invent a way to span huge expanses of space quickly and efficiently. In other words, they may have developed a better way to propel themselves around than exploding drops of liquid in a tin can. That technology has worked well for us here on Earth, but it is beginning to wear out its welcome. It is high time that we think outside the pump and invent some better way to get around.

If aliens are visiting earth and poking around, I hope they come to my comedy shows in San Francisco and Oakland in a couple of weeks. How much fun would it be to look out into the audience and see a couple of giant, green heads with big football-shaped eyes? I could riff on that for thirty minutes. We could hang out after for a drink, then they could give me a lift back to where I'm staying before they head back to their hotel.

An evening well worth the trip out West.

Phone Eddy Cut

Bizarro is made possible by a grant from the Level Forests Initiative. "Making trees work for you."

Instead of carping about the Bush administration's disastrous environmental policies, let's talk about cell phones.

I held off getting one until relatively late in the game. I don't like talking on the phone very much and dislike being "available" 24/7, so the prospect was not attractive. I don't remember what year I finally gave in, but by that time, most humans on the planet down to age 12-or-so, had one.

Now just about every kid old enough to hold one has one. I saw a five-year-old in NYC walking down the street with his yuppie mom, while talking on his cell phone. True story, my throat is still sore from the dry heaves. Soon, we will be able to hear the muffled tinkle of those hideous electronic "musical" ring tones emanating from the bulging stomachs of pregnant women. A sonogram will be nothing more than a quick call to the uterus. "How are you feeling? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And how many fingers and toes? Mm-hmm, good. Now look down between your legs...anything sticking out?"

The worst thing about cell phones to my mind is the prospect of being killed by a driver on their phone. States outlaw phone use without a hands-free device, but it doesn't address the deeper issue: the problem is not so much your hands as your attention. A person in the car with you will innately stop a conversation when you need to concentrate because they see the same things you do. A person on a phone just keeps yammering, which divides your attention in a different, more exclusive way.

I realize that sounds uncharacteristically brainy of me, but that's only because I didn't think it up. I heard it discussed by some behavior study brain guy on the radio.

The next worst thing about cell phones is the volume with which some people speak. I cannot understand why some people think you must shout into a phone. That hasn't been true since Sheriff Taylor used to call Aunt Bea from the courthouse. It's a phone, not a paper cup and string. Keep it down, please.

By the way, this idea was suggested by my kooky buddy, Derek, who used to be a lumberjack, but denies being an ass.

Surgical Dancing

Bizarro is brought to you today by Slices of Life, providing the public with medical supplies at discount prices since 1869.

I've only had two surgeries in my life: knee surgery to repair a torn ACL in 2000, and a vasectomy in 2004. The knee surgery was far worse, requiring weeks of excruciatingly painful recovery and excruciatingly painful rehab. If you ever find yourself in the position of telling a goomba where the money is hidden or calling his bluff about breaking your knee, I'd recommend the former. But the old hinge works better than ever now that doctor whats-his-name fixed me up, and I'm as good as new. In fact, I'm better than new. After the surgery and rehab were complete, I found that I could tap dance with that leg. I've been meaning to take lessons to get the other leg to catch up but haven't gotten around to it.

The vasectomy, on the other hand, was no big deal and boy, what a terrific form of birth control. No fuss, no muss. No new skills to report after that surgery, however. Although, now that I think about it, I've never tried to tap dance with my scrotum. Hmmm.

Comedy Shows!

Yo, check it, mah homey peeps and niggahs. I'm doing FOUR comedy shows in NoCal in a couple of weeks and all of them will sell out fast (because I am wishing very very hard) so don't tarry. Buy a block of tickets and sell them to your friends!

Click on these images to biggerize them and see details.















OAKLAND, CA
Tickets for the Oakland show can be purchased at the theater starting Aug 27, or from here now: BrownPaperTickets.com/event/41550
Johnny Steele and Michael Capozzola performed with me last time I was in SF and both of them killed. There were very few people left alive by the time I got to the stage and they were already weak and easy to finish off.


SAN FRANCISCO
At the Purple Onion this time I'll be performing TWO shows with Brian Malow. This guy is a longtime friend and a total pro. He'll show me up, big time. I should actually be opening for him but it's my show so tough monkeys. I'll be doing different material than I did last time I was at the PO, so come back again if you saw the last show. And bring a hundred friends. Tickets here: brownpapertickets.com/event/41585


SACRAMENTO
Here's a show that is totally different than anything I've done before. It's an entire evening of art and performances speaking out against animal cruelty in the circus. But don't let that put you off. The artists are invitation-only and very talented. The performers are the sort you'd see at a burlesque show or a real circus, (but all are willing participants, unlike elephants and tigers.) I'll be exhibiting a painting of mine done specially for this show (which is really rare, for reals) and doing some stand-up comedy about the subject. You're sure to enjoy the entire experience and I won't accept no for an answer. Info here: www.abitchinspace.com/

After each of these shows, I'll be selling my books and trading cards and signing stuff and posing for pictures with you and itching to get outside and smoke a cigar. So join me and spread the word!

Punny Brown

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Beijing Limbic Games.

Yes, this is a simple visual pun but I like that it requires a tiny leap of thought from the soccer player's socks to Charlie Brown's shirt. It is just surreal enough to engage me. I have a friend who hates puns of all kinds, categorically. I think she's missing an enjoyable category of humor. Puns can be many different things: obvious, original, surprising, idiotic, and occasionally sublime. They can also suck, of course.

Mahatma Gandhi, for instance, walked barefoot most of his life, ate very little food and had notoriously bad breath, which made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Come on. That took some effort on somebody's part.

Special Note: Don't miss the next post, it's all about upcoming comedy shows in San Fran, Oakland, and Sacramento!!!