Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Wrecking Ball

Bizarro is brought to you today by Jobs That Require Orange Vests.

I never had a job where I had to wear an orange vest, but in high school I worked at a place called Dr. Redlove's Old-Fashioned Ice Cream Parlor in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and we had to dress in those goofy straw hats, bow ties, and vests, like singers in a barbershop quartet. At the time, I had long, bushy hair, so when I removed my hat at the end of my shift, the top was perfectly formed to the cylindrical shape of the hat. Very sexy.

Speaking of sexy, cartoons about home wreckers and cheating spouses are always oriented the way this cartoon is: the husband cheats, a hussy helps. But in recent years, women have been catching up to men in the infidelity department. Polls show that a larger percentage of women cheat than used to (although at least some of that increase is due to the fact that women are becoming more comfortable admitting it.)

But I've seen a very real trend in this area in my own circle of acquaintances, as well. While men have always had a tendency to stray, I know more women who have cheated on their significant others than men. Perhaps because women have in recent decades experienced a change in their social standing, it has lead them to react in the same ways that men traditionally have. With so many choices – career, motherhood, both, neither – I suspect there is more pressure on them to succeed in a variety of arenas and so they are more prone to midlife crisis-type symptoms than they used to be.

Just a guess on my part, I'm no sociologist. But I've seen what seems to be a growing amount of self-destructive behavior in my female friends in their thirties, the sort that used to be almost exclusively associated with men. And before anyone gets fired up in the comments section, I am by no means suggesting that women were better off before the women's movement. Liberation is always a good thing.

Some people just handle liberty better than others.

So, dear readers, how many of you have been to the Home Wreckers Depot? Have you cheated on a partner? Have you been cheated on? Were you able to forgive and save the relationship, or was it a deal breaker? While most human societies have always leaned toward monogamy, it is clear that we aren't particularly good at it.

Monday, 22 September 2008

Dina Sores

(For a life size, animatronic version of this cartoon, click on the image.)

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by the fine folks at Scary Things.

Okay, you're right, this is another pun. And I claim not to like puns but they seem to pop up a lot in my cartoons. Hmm. I guess what I mean is that I don't like obvious puns. Because of the visual of a Tricerotops with bushy red hair, this one steps out of the dark, groaning place and into a sunny place full of rainbows and unicorns that makes me smile.

If there is a reader of this blog who does not get this joke because you have not heard of the comedian known as "Carrot Top," stop reading now. You are a rare breed and need to be preserved. For the rest of you, let's talk root vegetables.

Though I do love carrots, I can't say I'm a big fan of Carrot Top the comedian. His jokes are all about visual puns and gadgets, very much from the Gallagher School of Comedy, and even though many are clever and some even make me laugh, it just isn't my favorite kind of humor. And in recent years he has gotten wacked out on steroids or something and has become visually frightening. When you add this "look" to his kooky/corny brand of humor, you've really got a wierd combo.

I can't fault the guy's business acumen, of course, he's crying all the way to the bank.

Friday, 19 September 2008

What is Comedy?

A few weeks back, my good friend and colleague, Francesco Marciuliano, filled in for me for a week while I was struggling to stay alive at the Betty Ford Clinic. Well, Ces (as his friends call him, and I am one of those) has not been idle. He has a brilliant video on YouTube and it has become very popular, becoming the number one featured humor video. Don't be jealous, Ces is the sweetest and most humble person you could ever have the good fortune to meet and would be happy for you in the same situation.

Worst Choice Possible

This video shows McCain in his own words. You can't do this to just any candidate.

Underoos














Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Parade Magazine.


If you look very closely at the cartoon at left you may detect two subtle differences from the Bizarro cartoons I usually post here: it is horizontal instead of vertical, it is not in color.

How did you score? Give yourself two points for two correct answers, one point if you got one answer right, and if you could see no difference whatsoever between this cartoon and the usual Bizarro panels on this blog, stop reading now and take your meds.

As I've mentioned here before, I sell non-Bizarro cartoons to Parade Magazine and they publish them fairly regularly. The Spider-man one was particularly popular, so I thought I'd share it here. At right is another one that I like a lot, the basic concept for which came from a good friend of mine, Cliff Harris. He and I are collaborating on a children's book. (He's writing the book, I'm looking for children to buy it.) The book has nothing to do with this cartoon, however.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Satellite Sex

Bizarro is brought to you today by Forbidden Love Comics.

I don't have a car but I have rented ones with a GPS and I really enjoy it. If there is a choice of voices, I go for the woman's voice, because when I drive I like to pretend I'm Captain Kirk steering the Starship Enterprise, and the GPS voice is Uhura.

When I'm in a less geeky mood and just want to be myself, I name the voice and converse with her as I drive.
"At Cornhole Street, turn left,"
she purrs.
"Thank you, Trudy," I reply, "and may I say you look very smart today. That's a lovely color on you."
"Turn left."

"Yeah, I heard you, I'm turning. I have to wait for this car to get out of my way."
"Go 450 feet and turn right at Blacklung Avenue."

"I just said you look nice today, Trudy. No response?"
"Turn right."
"So you're not going to respond to my compliment at all? You're just going to pretend I'm not even here until it's time to toss out one of your monotonal directives?"
"Turn right."

"I heard you, for chrissakes! You just said it, like, 11 seconds ago!"
"You have arrived at your destination."
"Thank god! And if you're going to ignore me, you can just stay in the car! Bitch!"

Trudy and I seem to always get into this kind of fight. I've also had conflicts with Rita, Debby, and another one whose name escapes me. Uhura and I tend to get along much better.

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Shameless Friend Promotion: Redacted???

EDIT:
Sources at G.T. Labs and Tor have alerted us to the fact that the project previously described in this post is at this point in time neither confirmed nor denied. Thank you for your attention
-- Management Services