The Devil, You Say?

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pure Evil.

This cartoon resulted in a lot of emails from readers, as I suspected it would. The majority loved the cartoon because they hate Cheney, but a few folks are among the dozen-or-so Americans who still support the Dick and wrote to register their complaints.

Some people just wrote asking what this cartoon means. Apparently, there are a lot of folks who are not familiar with the expression that has become popular with some Christian teens: WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?)

This slogan is the latest in a couple thousand years of attempts at keeping youngsters out of trouble and away from sex. When you're all worked up and pulling at the buttons of your clothing, you're supposed to ask yourself, "What would Jesus do if He were here in this situation?"

Well, Michael, Jesus wouldn't be in the back seat of his Hyundai on top of Jessica from Algebra class in the first place, He'd be standing on a downtown street corner shouting at passers-by, so you're on your own.

Trying to fight teenage lust with religious guilt is like trying to stay dry in a hurricane with an umbrella. In both cases, it makes more sense to pass out the raincoats and weather the storm.

NOTE: Just for giggles, here's an image I created before the 2004 "elections."

Dragon Tease

(View this cartoon in LifesizeDragonColor! by clicking the behemoth's eyeballs with your mouse thingy.)

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Misunderstood Pets.

If you are a regular reader of my humble graphic musings, you will recognize that this is one of the rare occasions on which I have told a story in sequential form. Even more rare is the fact that it is without words, but for one minor exception. More rare still, is that when cut out of the newspaper or printed out of your computer and folded properly, it becomes a picture of Bay Watch's David Hasselhoff balancing on the dome of St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. The addition of a pink Tic Tack in just the right place, makes it looks as though he is nude.

For more about David Hasselhoff and scary reptiles, go here.

Happy and Erect Fourth!

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Phallic Police.

I'm not a doctor, but I saw one on TV. So I feel fully qualified to say that I'll bet 90% of so-called "erectile dysfunction" is caused by poor blood circulation brought on by fat in the viens caused by a crappy diet. We eat garbage and too much of it, then complain because it ruins our bodies, then drug companies design a work-around so you can have your chili cheese fries and boner, too. Until you drop dead, of course.

So instead, let's address Independence Day. I was fortunate to grow up in a less civilized place and time when it was both legal and socially acceptable to hand a grocery bag full of explosives to a child and send him outside to play. My siblings, cousins, friends and I did this each year, blowing up our toys, the local flora, items from the trash, and occasionally each other. Sure, an occasional finger or eye was sacrificed to "independence," but what good is a democracy without some wounded veterans?

As teens we graduated to bottle rocket fights, which entailed making a "gun" by attaching a handle of some kind to a piece of plastic pipe, loading a bottle rocket into the pipe, lighting it, pointing it at your opponent, and laughing as they ducked the airborne incendiary. Large groups of us would go to an industrial park or gravel pit, divide up into two armies and shoot at each other till we ran out of ammo. Casualties were anonymously deposited on their parents' front porch and most people just chalked it up to another teen lost to the cause of freedom.

Now, thanks to the godless, homosexual girlyman liberals, there are laws against explosives inside city limits and children are not allowed to leave the house without safety helmets and proof of insurance. I wonder how we expect to defend our way of life in the future if youngsters are not accustomed to working with explosives.

I never thought I'd live to see this day (with my one good eye.)

Menu of Death

Bizarro is brought to you today by Abstinence.

We all spend at least a little time wondering what certain types of death are like. They say drowning isn't as bad as it sounds because you pass out rather quickly, your brain being unable to open your mouth and take in water. Still sounds terrifying to me. Freezing to death is also said to be merciful because you "just fall asleep." But I hate to be cold. What about all those hours or days of misery before you fall asleep?

Beheading seems quick and almost merciful, but I wonder. How long does your brain stay conscious after separation? It's got to be at least a few seconds, right? Are your last thoughts and sights that of being upside down in a basket? Does your neck hurt? If someone picked your head up really fast and turned it toward your body, would you be able to see it?

The most peaceful death would be an overdose of sleeping pills, I suppose. But I also think I would not mind having my head blown off by surprise. Sounds terrible, I know, but let's say I'm walking down the street, whistling a happy tune, I spot an attractive lady in a short skirt carrying a cute puppy and I smile, then my hat explodes. What do I care?

I have often said that if there is ever a major nuclear attack within 500 miles of me, I want to be at ground zero. I'd much rather go up in a flash of light and be done with it than die slowly of radiation poisoning or spend a couple of years in a basement with god-knows-who, eating god-knows-what, wondering WTF? I would rather die than live in a world like that.

Of course, I feel the same way about a Sarah Palin presidency.

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this morning. All the previous caveats apply.

1 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
2 (-). Watchmen
3 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid
4 (+2). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
5 (-1). Final Crisis
6 (+2). Maximum Ride, Vol. 1 Manga (kindle)
7 (-). Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
8 (+35). Fruits Basket Volume 23 *
9 (+1). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
10 (-5). Time of Your Life (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 8, Vol. 4)
11 (+3). The Complete Persepolis
12 (-). Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History
13 (+35). Stephen King's Dark Tower: Treachery
14 (-5). Batman: The Killing Joke
15 (-2). The Photographer: Into war-torn Afghanistan with Doctors Without Borders
16 (+7). Mercy Thompson Homecoming *
17 (+1). Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art
18 (-2). Warriors: Tigerstar and Sasha #3: Return to the Clans
19 (+1). Batman: R.I.P.
20 (+26). V for Vendetta
21 (N). Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? Deluxe Edition *
22 (+27). American Born Chinese
23 (+1). Batman: Arkham Asylum (15th Anniversary Edition)
24 (N). Green Lantern: Rage of the Red Lanterns
25 (+9). Naruto, Volume 45 *
26 (-7). Serenity, Vol. 2: Better Days
27 (+6). The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes
28 (+11). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
29 (-1). The Joker
30 (+2). Starman Omnibus Vol. 3
31 (N). Asterios Polyp *
32 (N). Angel: After The Fall Volume 1
33 (N). Green Lantern Corps: Sins of the Star Sapphire
34 (-23). Wolves at the Gate (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume 3)
35 (-20). The Long Way Home (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 8, Vol. 1)
36 (N). Negima!: Magister Negi Magi, Vol. 23 *
37 (-4). Halo: Uprising
38 (-4). Maus II: A Survivor's Tale: And Here My Troubles Began
39 (N). Preacher Vol. 1: Gone to Texas
40 (N). Sleeper: Season One
41 (N). Star Trek: Countdown TPB
42 (-7). The Walking Dead Compendium Volume 1
43 (N). Superman: Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow? Deluxe Edition *
44 (N). Achewood Volume 2: Worst Song, Played On Ugliest Guitar
45 (N). Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic
46 (-24). Batman: Year One
47 (N). The Dark-Hunters, Vol. 1 *
48 (-10). Green Lantern: Sinestro Corps War, Vol. 2
49 (N). The Arrival
50 (-19). Empowered, Vol. 5

Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.


Commentary:

* Many of the titles which saw enormously large gains last week (e.g. Buffy titles) see large fall backs this week, and vice versa (e.g. Dark Tower). I wonder if there was some sort of anomaly last week and now we're seeing a correction? But then other titles didn't see any large shifts either week, so who knows?

* Huge gain on the pre-order for the new Fruits Basket, outpacing Naruto & Negima by a good clip.

* Highest debut is Gaiman's Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader?, and it even brings along the re-re-issue of Alan Moore's Superman: Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow? Both writers are faves of the Amazon Top 50, so look for those two titles to stick around for a while on the charts.

* Last week's big debut, The Art of Harvey Kurtzman, is nowhere to be seen this week.

* The recent interest in Green Lantern collections is likely due to the forthcoming Blackest Night series, showing that DM-aimed events can affect the mainstream sales charts.

Help a Brother Out?

I'm a regular columnist for VegNews magazine, writing a column in each issue about the humorous side of vegetarianism and veganism called "Plant-Based Piraro." Once each year, the magazine sponsors a vote for readers' favorite this-and-that.

If you want to help a great cause, go to this page and vote for the following two nominees in these two categories:
Best Animal Sanctuary....Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary
Best Column...Plant-Based Piraro (sample article from last year here)

You have to cycle through the categories to find those two, along the way you can vote for whatever you wish, of course, or nothing. Whatever suits you. At the end, they'll ask for your email address and name, if you provide it you'll be entered to win some prizes, but it isn't necessary if you prefer to remain anonymous.

Thanks, kids. You're "phat," "stoopid" and "sick."

Cunninglinguist

Bizarro is brought to you today by Racist Sexist Sausage.

This cartoon doesn't make literal sense, really, but it amuses me nonetheless. "Nonetheless" is an odd word, created by shoving together three words that people said regularly to make a single word. Other examples are "furthermore," "therefore," and "notwithstanding." Seems kind of random.

Why have we not done this with Iloveyou? Or soanyway? Or yourenotgonnabelievethis, howhaveyoubeen, yourekiddingme, getoffofme, wheresmydamngun, or howmanytimesdoIhavetotellyouIamnotgay?

I don't speak German, but I've heard that language does this a lot.

Untilnexttime...