Naughty Priests

Bizarro is brought to you today by Unconventional Clerics.

I probably should have predicted that this cartoon would receive some complaints but I didn't. I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic Schools, was even an altar boy, and even though I am atheist now, one thing I've always liked about Catholics – over some other Christian denominations I've been acquainted with – is that they tend to have a pretty good sense of humor about their beliefs. That doesn't include every Catholic, obviously, so objections and outrage were expressed.

My suspicion is that the outrage wasn't as much about this cartoon as about public scrutiny of Catholics in general. Because some Catholic priests have been under attack in recent years for their improprieties with children, some Catholics are more sensitive than they might otherwise be.

Here's my amateur "expert" opinion on the pedophilia situation, and remember, it's worth what you're paying for it:

Nobody determines their sexual appetite, it just happens to us. Gay, straight, fat, thin, young, old, blonde, brunette, we like what we like and we can't change that. Many people with unpopular or even illegal sexual proclivities – homosexuals, pedophiles – are raised to feel guilty about their desires and some attempt to take refuge in the celibacy of the priesthood. I seriously doubt any of these priests joined the priesthood with the intention of molesting anyone. My guess is that they thought that their faith and lifestyle within the church would protect them from their desires. But sexual desire is among the strongest forces known in nature and most people cannot keep theirs at bay forever. So they give in and then go to great lengths to try to hide it.

I think it bears noting that there has never been a shortage of priests who break their vows of celibacy in legal ways, but they don't make headlines because they have not broken the law and the sex was consensual. Celibacy is a bitch, no matter who you are or what your reasons. (You may quote me.)

This is in no way meant to imply that homosexuals are pedophiles or that homosexuality is even in the same class of socially dangerous behavior. I only grouped them together here in the category of "sexual orientations likely to cause guilt." While sex with children is a devastating act that can never be condoned and guilt is therefore appropriate, we have only ourselves to blame for making homosexuals feel guilty about relations between consenting adults. The notion that homosexuality between consenting adults is "wrong" is archaic and, quite frankly, idiotic. Even more idiotic are people who think that anyone "chooses" their sexual orientation. If you are one of these people, ask yourself if you chose yours. Now ask yourself if you could completely change those desires if you put your mind to it – become gay if you're straight, or vice versa. Of course not.

Regarding this cartoon, just as the vast majority of priests have not molested children, I suspect that virtually none share what they hear in confession. The preposterous nature of the scenario is what makes it funny. If it's funny at all, of course.

That's my take on the predatory priest situation. For what it's worth, in all the years I was a kid in the church, no one ever said or did anything to me that was in the least inappropriate. Which, to be honest, made me feel ugly and undesirable.*

*Kidding. No more complaints, please.

Super Babies

Bizarro is brought to you today by Labor Pains.

I like this cartoon because I don't like people who take their kids too seriously. It is natural to think your baby is special: smarter, cuter, cleverer, stronger, faster, quicker, more intelligent, more talented. It's fine, it feels good, it's as it should be, but it is important to realize that it isn't true. It is a simple trick of evolution. If we weren't irrationally in love with our own babies, we'd kill them the first time they woke us up at 4am or puked into our hair. The simple truth that your ancient parental programming is hiding from you is this: your kid is average.

I raised two daughters to be happy, productive adults, so I have some experience in this matter, and, I am a self-proclaimed, unlicensed expert on human psychology and childhood development. As hard as your brain fights to battle my assertion, do yourself a favor and try to consider that I might be right.

Mathematically speaking, your kid has as much chance of being anything but average as you do of winning the lottery, and, as they say, the lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. Overwhelming odds say your kid is average. Almost all of us are. That's the definition of the word.

And it means your precious little angel will be happy and healthy having an average childhood in which it plays with a ball, scribbles with crayons, and chews on a rag doll. It doesn't need Mozart in the crib or a French-speaking au pair or mommy/baby yoga class or chess lessons or tennis camp. And it most certainly does not need your constant interference and direction. Don't force yuppie activities on your kid seven days a week in hopes of developing the next superstar at something or other. What you'll develop is the next Lindsay Lohan. Your kid will hate you in the long run and everyone else will hate you now.

What your kid does need is affection and common sense discipline. If you don't have that to give then god help you both.

(This post is only meant for other people, of course, not you. Your kid actually is amazing and all the other parents are jealous. But let's keep it just between us. :)

Poo Comes Full Circle

Monkey Covers

Sunday is Monkey Covers day here at YACB. Because there's nothing better than a comic with a monkey on the cover!

No mad scientist's laboratory is complete without a menacing gorilla, as seen on Henry Scarpelli's cover to Abbot and Costello #2 (1968).

(Standard disclaimer about lab-dwelling gorillas not really being monkeys applies.)


Image courtesy of the GCD. Click on the image for a larger version.

DOG NEEDS A HELMET

Stinging Whiskers

(To view this cartoon as large and clear as a plexiglass barn, click on a bee.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Hirsute Alphabet.

I've always been fascinated by any attempt to build a beard out of something other than facial hair. Who isn't, am I right? Waffle beards, wax beards, carpet goatees, sideburns of mango skins, they're all amazing in their own right. But the top of the heap, as far as replacement facial hair substances go, is live, stinging insects.

This cartoon idea came from my friend, colleague, and occasional collaborator, He Who is Known as Wayno. Wayno has a beard of earthworms, as he is allergic to bee stings and could be killed quite easily by a stunt such as the one shown here. I admire his efforts but have to say that it is not as riveting as one made of bees. In fact, it's pretty disgusting and he must lie flat on the ground at all times to keep them from just sliding off his face. Sometimes he wonders if it is even worth it.

I've read that there is a man in Australia who plans to attempt to outdo the beard of bees early next year with a mustache made of sharks. Let's all wish him well.

To see more art by Wayno, a genuinely nice man whom you can feel good about supporting, go to these places:
Nice Butts
Hot Chicks
Total Hunks

Thanks...

As you might have noticed, there wasn't a "Watercolor Wednesday" post this week. Obviously, I'm still working out my posting schedule. One day, like Poo, I hope to become regular. You CAN count on a new strip post every Monday, so this coming Monday check in to see how Poo's unfortunate situation resolves. As for the rest of each week, I'm undecided on what sort of treat to offer up. Anyway, here's an old sketch to say thanks to those of you who are friends of MYTHFITS. Oh, and extra thanks to those who "like" us on facebook [ ' _ ' ]