Paying Customer

Bizarro is brought to you today by Ol' Toothy brand chainsaws. "Nothing goes with that mask like an Ol' Toothy."

(You know you want it bigger, so click that comic, homeboy.)

I've got to say I'm proud of this comic. It's dry, deadpan, creepy, and about current events. It makes me happy.

But the price of gas does not. I don't own a car, so I don't suffer from pump shock every time I fill up my car. I drive an old Vespa scooter, which I bought new in 1981, and it costs me around $5 a week to drive it daily around NYC. (When I first moved here in 2002, it was more like $5 a month.) It's the perfect transportation for this city: cheap, able to leap huge traffic jams in a single bound, always a place to park, big rack on the back for bungee-cording cargo to, and fun.

The reason I don't like the price of gas these days is because the price of trains, planes, buses, everything else I rely on to get around when I'm not in NYC is going through the roof. Soon, normal folks like you and me will not be able to afford to leave the house except by bicycle. Which is fine, I ride my bicycle all the time and there are plenty of things to do here in NYC, so I'll be set. But folks in places like Underbite, Nebraska will not be so happy. Many are too big to ride a bike and there's nowhere to go if they could. (I've never been there, but from the looks of it on Google Maps, I'm guessing it isn't on many museum or concert tour schedules and is a couple day's bike ride to get to anywhere that is. Longer, if you've got your date on your handlebars.)

Someday soon, the only gasoline-powered vehicle that passes you overhead or on the road will be full of the uber wealthy: oil executives, politicans, drug dealers, TV evangelists, personal injury lawyers.

A world without gas-powered vehicles would probably be a good thing. I do worry about what it will do to the psycho-killer hitchhiker industry, though.

Happy Day

Happy Birthday, Hanna!

My good friend Hanna in Seattle is 85 years old today and one of the coolest people I've ever known. And I've known a lot of cool people.

I first heard from Hanna some years ago when she wrote to tell me that she and a few friends were fans of my cartoon and enjoyed looking for the hidden icons. Her favorite was the Bunny of Exhuberance (the "h" is added to both set it apart from other exuberant bunnies and to add that extra arrogant sound when pronouncing it), and she wondered if she could have permission to use her computer to print out iron-on decals of the bunny for T-shirts for her friends and her to wear. She referred to them as the "Bizarro Bunny Bunch."

(The image above is from my trading card line, not her T-shirts)

I gave her permission and sent her some art for the purpose. I made her promise not to sell them unless she cut me in on the profits, assuring her that I am not above breaking an old lady's kneecaps.

When I was in Seattle for a comedy show a few years ago my wife and I stayed at her house. She was the perfect hostess, as you can imagine. Hanna has a razor wit, an indomitable spirit (and has overcome more than her share of hardships as proof) and is an inspiration to all who know her. The friends of hers that I have met are all younger than she, which says a lot about how cool she is. Hanna is a blast to hang out with at any age.

So happy birthday, dear Hanna. I wish I could be there to celebrate with you! I want to be like you when I grow up.

Okay, if I grow up.

Crime Rodents

Bizarro is brought to you today by Red Star Sidewalk Chalk. "So vivid, you can see it from the sky."






Lately I've become addicted to the ubiquitous police/crime/mob/suspense-type movie. I don't like all of these kinds of movies, but if they have a good plot and characters, I'm all over it. The Bourne series is really great, for instance. Denzel Washington has been in some terrific ones. Who doens't love "Goodfellas"? Just saw one the other night with Ray Liotta and that other guy who is really good, called "Narc."

I thnk my passion for movies like this is why this gag appeals to me. Some might say this cartoon is stupid or simple, but then I'd just say, "YOU'RE stupid and simple!" and that would be that. I just like the idea of a mouse wanting a helicopter. Sometimes humor can be just that simple for me.

For instance, I still laugh at the children's joke I heard from a British girl of about six: "What's the last thing to go through the fly's head when he hits the windscreen? . . . His bum!" For readers without a British/American dictionary handy, this is a "windscreen" and this is a "bum". ("What," "thing," "through," "fly," "mind," and "hits," all mean the same things there as here.)

As much as I like crime movies, however, there are virtually no current crime TV shows that I can watch. All of the CSI series leave me cold and the Law and Order shows are too predictable and formulaic. "Damages" is an amazing suspense show starring Glenn Close. Rent the first season and tell me it isn't superbly written and brilliantly executed. (Rhetorical statement– if you did that I would only call you simple and stupid. See above.) "Dexter" is another terrific show, but watch it from the beginning on DVD, not in reruns on CBS or whoever picked it up. They doubtless dumbed down the language and stuff.

One last entertainment tip: pro wrestlers are not necessarily good actors.

Friday Night Fights: Catwoman vs. Repro

From Catwoman #79 (2008). Story by Will Pfeifer. Art by David Lopez & Alvero Lopez. Click pic for larger.

Ladies Night? Definitely.

Ouija Wonders

Bizarro is brought to you today by the power of suggestion.

I love this idea to death and wish I could claim it completely. A very clever friend of mine named Cliff, sent the pun idea to me. I dropped it into this scenario and voila, I smiled. I'm still smiling all these weeks later.

This appeals to me not only because it is funny but it touches on satirizing military brutality. For those of you inclined toward the warmer-colored part of the political scale, I am not saying that all military personnel are brutal. Don't Dixie Chick me. (Or, do. I could use the publicity.)

Torture is brutal, however, and from what I've read, yeilds unreliable results since virtually any person on earth will say or do whatever it takes to make the torture stop. Including lying. My guess is that Ouija boarding would gather as dependable results as water boarding.

Which makes me wonder if the military has ever tried hypnotism. They could interrogate prisoners at night, on stage, thus both gaining information and entertaining the troops. And if they can't get the subject to tell them where Bin Laden is, they could at least get him to cluck like a chicken or imagine he is a beautiful woman and sashay about the stage to peals of laughter from the audience.

Some of our top government officials have said that they do not consider water boarding to be torture. I'd personally pay a lot to see that theory tested first hand.

MySpace MyDog

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Unique Pets for Unusual People.

This cartoon isn't about hating MySpace, but I do, with a passion, so that's what I'm going to rant about.

I was talked into getting a MySpace page few years ago by a PR person who felt it was a good way to market comedy shows and books and such. She was right, people have had success with that, but I found that web site to be so badly designed, counter intuitive, and unfathomably annoying in all respects, that I gave it up within weeks. The thing operates like a video game with no rules or plot, designed by a drunken toddler.

A business partner of mine now monitors my MySpace page. It is the only element of the vast Bizarro empire that I don't look at myself, so don't write to me there unless you want to hear from my pal, Rey.

I know that people of all ages are into MySpace, but let's face it, it's mostly for kids and 20-somethings. It isn't meant for adults to understand, much the way gangsta rap isn't meant for suburban whites.

If I may be immodest for a moment (do I dare?), what I really like most about this cartoon is the dog's face on the left. I usually draw dogs more like the one on the right, but I decided to get all artsy-fartsy this time and try a different type. I'm very happy with the way the pug turned out.

One last note: I once knew a middle-aged man who was dating a girl in her early 20s. He found himself asking her why she hadn't put his picture on her MySpace page. If you find yourself in this situation, not having your picture on her MySpace page may not be your biggest problem.

Smelly Horses

Proceeds from today's Bizarro will be donated to Horses Against Gravity, a 501c3 organization.

I suspect that a lot of people under a certain age will not have gotten this joke. I never know for sure, so when I consider a gag like this one I have to decide whether I want to use it or not. Usually I decide to go for it, as I've learned over that years that my readers usually enjoy a challenge and don't mind not getting all the gags.

This one isn't really a challenge, though, it's just a reference to a TV commercial for Aqua Velva aftershave which was ubiquitous in the 60s and 70s. As I recall, the commercial was basically just attractive women getting all gooey over a guy who walks by at a party, office, or bar and smells good. The tag line was, "There's just something about an Aqua Velva man."



And that "something" was, since Aqua Velva was a cheap drugstore aftershave, that he wasn't a man who spent much on his grooming. So if thriftiness turns you on, you'd go for him in a big way. You might also dig his Sears leisure suit and Payless vinyl shoes. (As an ethical vegan, I don't wear leather shoes either, but then I'm sort of a cheapskate, too.)

Not that it has anything to do with this cartoon, really, but it seems that most little girls have a thing for horses. I can only assume adult women like horses, too, but I'm not sure. I'll resist making any comments about having something strong and silent between their legs (well, no, I guess I didn't resist making that comment) but I do wonder what the reason is. Is it their beauty, their power, their long, luxurious, style-able hair? That also describes Fabio, and he scares the crap out of all the little girls I know.

As for aftershave, I'm not a person who enjoys synthetic smells so I don't wear any of that smelly stuff. I prefer to be natural, so after I shower, I rub my body with one of my favorite natural scents.