Greek Breakfast

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by FictionalDeformitiesOfAncientGreece.com

I am fully aware of how un-PC it is to say this, but I can't help but wish that cyclopsism was real. Wouldn't it be fascinating to see a huge person with one eye in the middle of his forehead? Yes, I know, it's wrong to wish deformities on others, my mother used to tell me that constantly when I was a kid, but the people I'm wishing it on are fictional, hypothetical, imaginary, and the deformity is cool. Doesn't that count for anything?

Can you imagine what life for a cyclops who could rap would be like? If you're eight feet tall, as wide as a Port-A-Potty, have one eye in the middle of your forehead, fangs, and you could rap? You'd be the biggest pop-star in the world, bar none. You'd have a mansion with an eye-shaped swimming pool, a limo with one huge headlight. You could spread rumors that you had one large testicle and two penises. The PR possibilities are almost endless.

Of course, there would be a downside. Like Michael Jackson, you'd be so famous and so freakish that no amount of camouflage would ever allow you to go out in public unmolested. You'd be eight-feet tall, for one thing. A pair of sunglasses and a baseball cap would do nothing at all. (which begs the question: if you had glasses specially made for you with one lens in the middle, would they be a "pair of glasses," or a "glass"?)

But alas, such things are merely myths. There are no one-eyed monsters, no minotaurs, no satyrs, no harpies.

New Library Comics: Week of August 11, 2008

Here's a list of the comics we added to our library collection last week:


Awesome : the indie spinner rack anthology / Brooklyn, N.Y. : Evil Twin Comics, 2007.

Azzarello, Brian. El Diablo / New York, NY : DC Comics, c2008.

Baker, Kyle. The Bakers : babies and kittens / Berkeley, Calif. : Image Comics, 2007.

Chippendale, Brian. Maggots / Brooklyn, NY : PictureBox ; [New York, N.Y.? : Available through D.A.P./Distributed Art Publishers, c2007]

The comic eye / Hamilton, Ont. : Blind Bat Press, 2007.

Delisle, Guy. Albert & the others / Montréal : Drawn & Quarterly, c2007.

Doucet, Julie, 1965- 365 days / Montréal : Drawn & Quarterly, c2007.

Drunk Duck : drunk on laughter. / Los Angeles, Calif. : Platinum Studios, 2008.

Dupuy, 1960- Maybe later / Montreal : Drawn & Quarterly, c2006.

Gamache, Line, 1956- Hello, me pretty / Montreal : Bdang, 2007.

Geary, Rick. J. Edgar Hoover : a graphic biography / New York : Hill and Wang, 2008.

Goscinny, 1926-1977. Asterix the Gaul ; Asterix and the golden sickle ; Asterix and the Goths / London : Orion Children's, 2007.

Gurewitch, Nicholas. The trial of Colonel Sweeto and other stories : a collection of the comic strips of the Perry Bible Fellowship / Milwaukie, Or. : Dark Horse, 2007.

Hopkins, David. Astronaut dad / [Fairfax, Va.] : Silent Devil, 2007-

Horacek, Tom. All we ever do is talk about wood / Montréal : Drawn & Quarterly, c2008.

Hurd, Damon. Pictures of you / Gainesville, FL : Alternative Comics, 2007.

Hyde, Laurence, 1914-1986. Southern Cross / Montreal : Drawn & Quarterly, c2007.

Itō, Junji, 1963- Uzumaki : Spiral into horror / San Francisco, CA : Viz Media, 2007- vol. 1

Jason, 1965- The last musketeer / Seattle : Fantagraphics, c2007.

Johnson, Mat. Incognegro / New York : Vertigo/DC Comics, c2008.

K., Ulf. Hieronymus B : 1997-2007 / Wuppertal, Germany : Edition 52 ; New York : Top Shelf, 2008.

Lawless, Molly. Great moments in baseball / [Washington, D.C.? : M. Lawless], 2007- no. 1

Lawless, Molly. Infandum! : adventures in intoxication / [Washington, D.C.? : M. Lawless, 2006]- no. 1

Lewis, Pat. The claws come out / San Diego, Calif. : IDW, 2007.

Lofficier, Jean-Marc. Tintin / Harpenden : Pocket Essentials, 2007.

Matt, Joe, 1963- The poor bastard / Montréal : Drawn & Quarterly, 2007.

Millionaire, Tony. Maakies with the wrinkled knees / Seattle, WA : Fantagraphics : Distributed in the U.S. by W.W. Norton, c2008.

Morrison, Grant. Doom Patrol vol. 6 : Planet love. / New York, NY : DC Comics/Vertigo, c2008.

Muth, Jon J. M / New York : Abrams, 2008.

Naraghi, Dara, 1971- Lifelike / San Diego, Calif. : IDW, c2007.

Neufeld, Josh. A few perfect hours and other stories from Southeast Asia & Central Europe / Gainesville, FL : Alternative Comics, c2004.

Nowak, Naomi. House of clay / New York : NBM, 2007.

Peeters, Frederik. Blue pills : a positive love story / Boston : Houghton Mifflin, 2008.

Pekar, Harvey. Students for a Democratic Society : a graphic history / New York : Hill and Wang, 2008.

Plessix, Michel. The wind in the willows / New York : Papercutz, 2007.

Road, Christy C. Indestructible / Portland, OR : Microcosm Pub., c2006.

Robinson, Alex, 1969- Alex Robinson's Lower regions. / Marietta, GA : Top Shelf Productions, c2007.

Robot : super color comic / Carson, CA : Digital Manga Pub., 2005- vol. 4

Runton, Andy. A time to be brave / Marietta, Ga. : Top Shelf ; [London : Diamond distributor], 2007.

Schmidt, J. Marc. Eating Steve : a love story / San Jose, CA : SLG Publications, 2007.

Seth, 1962- It's a good life, if you don't weaken : [a picture novella] / Montréal : Drawn & Quarterly ; New York, NY : Distributed by Farrar, Straus and Giroux, c2007.

Shirow, Masamune. Dominion / Milwaukie, Or. : Dark Horse, 2007.

Shojo beat : manga sampler. / [San Francisco, Calif.] : Viz Media, 2005- vol. 2

Shonen Jump graphic novels : a compilation edition / [San Francisco, Calif.] : Viz, 2003- vol. 4

Shoujo. / San Antonio, TX : Antarctic Press, 2004. vol. 1

Siku. The Manga Bible / New York : Doubleday, c2007.

Skinn, Dez. Comix : the underground revolution / New York : Thunder's Mouth Press : Distributed by Publishers Group West, 2004.

Steinberger, Aimee Major. Japan ai = Nihon ai : a tall girl's adventures in Japan / by Aimee Major Steinberger. [Agoura Hills, Calif.] : Go! Comi, c2007.

Stevens, Karl, 1978- Whatever / Gainesville, Fla. : Alternative Comics, 2008.

Sturm, James, 1965- Satchel Paige : striking out Jim Crow / New York, N.Y. : Jump at the Sun : Hyperion, c2007.

Taniguchi, Jirō. The ice wanderer and other stories / Wisbech, England : Fanfare ; [Rasquera, Spain] : Pontent Mon, 2007.

Tezuka, Osamu, 1928-1989. MW / New York : Vertical , 2007.

Towle, Ben. Midnight sun / San Jose, Calif. : SLG, 2007.

Uderzo. Asterix and the actress ; Asterix and the class act ; Asterix and the falling sky / London : Orion Children's, 2007.

Vasquez, Jhonen. Jellyfist / San Jose, Calif. : Slave Labor Graphics, 2007.

Vollmar, Rob. The castaways / New York : ComicsLit, c2007.

Watson, Andi. Princess at midnight / Berkeley, Calif. : Image, 2008.

Watson, Andi. Slow news day / San Jose, CA : SLG Pub., 2007.

Wilson, Seán Michael. Iraq : Operation Corporate Takeover / London, UK : War on Want : Boychild Productions, 2007.

Yuri monogatari / [United States] : ALC, c2004- vol. 5


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Paying Customer

Bizarro is brought to you today by Ol' Toothy brand chainsaws. "Nothing goes with that mask like an Ol' Toothy."

(You know you want it bigger, so click that comic, homeboy.)

I've got to say I'm proud of this comic. It's dry, deadpan, creepy, and about current events. It makes me happy.

But the price of gas does not. I don't own a car, so I don't suffer from pump shock every time I fill up my car. I drive an old Vespa scooter, which I bought new in 1981, and it costs me around $5 a week to drive it daily around NYC. (When I first moved here in 2002, it was more like $5 a month.) It's the perfect transportation for this city: cheap, able to leap huge traffic jams in a single bound, always a place to park, big rack on the back for bungee-cording cargo to, and fun.

The reason I don't like the price of gas these days is because the price of trains, planes, buses, everything else I rely on to get around when I'm not in NYC is going through the roof. Soon, normal folks like you and me will not be able to afford to leave the house except by bicycle. Which is fine, I ride my bicycle all the time and there are plenty of things to do here in NYC, so I'll be set. But folks in places like Underbite, Nebraska will not be so happy. Many are too big to ride a bike and there's nowhere to go if they could. (I've never been there, but from the looks of it on Google Maps, I'm guessing it isn't on many museum or concert tour schedules and is a couple day's bike ride to get to anywhere that is. Longer, if you've got your date on your handlebars.)

Someday soon, the only gasoline-powered vehicle that passes you overhead or on the road will be full of the uber wealthy: oil executives, politicans, drug dealers, TV evangelists, personal injury lawyers.

A world without gas-powered vehicles would probably be a good thing. I do worry about what it will do to the psycho-killer hitchhiker industry, though.

Happy Day

Happy Birthday, Hanna!

My good friend Hanna in Seattle is 85 years old today and one of the coolest people I've ever known. And I've known a lot of cool people.

I first heard from Hanna some years ago when she wrote to tell me that she and a few friends were fans of my cartoon and enjoyed looking for the hidden icons. Her favorite was the Bunny of Exhuberance (the "h" is added to both set it apart from other exuberant bunnies and to add that extra arrogant sound when pronouncing it), and she wondered if she could have permission to use her computer to print out iron-on decals of the bunny for T-shirts for her friends and her to wear. She referred to them as the "Bizarro Bunny Bunch."

(The image above is from my trading card line, not her T-shirts)

I gave her permission and sent her some art for the purpose. I made her promise not to sell them unless she cut me in on the profits, assuring her that I am not above breaking an old lady's kneecaps.

When I was in Seattle for a comedy show a few years ago my wife and I stayed at her house. She was the perfect hostess, as you can imagine. Hanna has a razor wit, an indomitable spirit (and has overcome more than her share of hardships as proof) and is an inspiration to all who know her. The friends of hers that I have met are all younger than she, which says a lot about how cool she is. Hanna is a blast to hang out with at any age.

So happy birthday, dear Hanna. I wish I could be there to celebrate with you! I want to be like you when I grow up.

Okay, if I grow up.

Crime Rodents

Bizarro is brought to you today by Red Star Sidewalk Chalk. "So vivid, you can see it from the sky."






Lately I've become addicted to the ubiquitous police/crime/mob/suspense-type movie. I don't like all of these kinds of movies, but if they have a good plot and characters, I'm all over it. The Bourne series is really great, for instance. Denzel Washington has been in some terrific ones. Who doens't love "Goodfellas"? Just saw one the other night with Ray Liotta and that other guy who is really good, called "Narc."

I thnk my passion for movies like this is why this gag appeals to me. Some might say this cartoon is stupid or simple, but then I'd just say, "YOU'RE stupid and simple!" and that would be that. I just like the idea of a mouse wanting a helicopter. Sometimes humor can be just that simple for me.

For instance, I still laugh at the children's joke I heard from a British girl of about six: "What's the last thing to go through the fly's head when he hits the windscreen? . . . His bum!" For readers without a British/American dictionary handy, this is a "windscreen" and this is a "bum". ("What," "thing," "through," "fly," "mind," and "hits," all mean the same things there as here.)

As much as I like crime movies, however, there are virtually no current crime TV shows that I can watch. All of the CSI series leave me cold and the Law and Order shows are too predictable and formulaic. "Damages" is an amazing suspense show starring Glenn Close. Rent the first season and tell me it isn't superbly written and brilliantly executed. (Rhetorical statement– if you did that I would only call you simple and stupid. See above.) "Dexter" is another terrific show, but watch it from the beginning on DVD, not in reruns on CBS or whoever picked it up. They doubtless dumbed down the language and stuff.

One last entertainment tip: pro wrestlers are not necessarily good actors.

Friday Night Fights: Catwoman vs. Repro

From Catwoman #79 (2008). Story by Will Pfeifer. Art by David Lopez & Alvero Lopez. Click pic for larger.

Ladies Night? Definitely.

Ouija Wonders

Bizarro is brought to you today by the power of suggestion.

I love this idea to death and wish I could claim it completely. A very clever friend of mine named Cliff, sent the pun idea to me. I dropped it into this scenario and voila, I smiled. I'm still smiling all these weeks later.

This appeals to me not only because it is funny but it touches on satirizing military brutality. For those of you inclined toward the warmer-colored part of the political scale, I am not saying that all military personnel are brutal. Don't Dixie Chick me. (Or, do. I could use the publicity.)

Torture is brutal, however, and from what I've read, yeilds unreliable results since virtually any person on earth will say or do whatever it takes to make the torture stop. Including lying. My guess is that Ouija boarding would gather as dependable results as water boarding.

Which makes me wonder if the military has ever tried hypnotism. They could interrogate prisoners at night, on stage, thus both gaining information and entertaining the troops. And if they can't get the subject to tell them where Bin Laden is, they could at least get him to cluck like a chicken or imagine he is a beautiful woman and sashay about the stage to peals of laughter from the audience.

Some of our top government officials have said that they do not consider water boarding to be torture. I'd personally pay a lot to see that theory tested first hand.