Zombie Minimum Daily Dietary Requirements

Bizarro is brought to you today by King of the Brain-Eating Zombies.

Followers of this blog may know that I have had a relationship with a teenage boy for a few years now. But before you go "tweeting" that, let me say that this relationship is not illicit, illegal or inappropriate in any way. He's just a funny kid who sends me cartoon ideas from time to time. His name is Victor or Vance or something, I can never remember, and he just started college somewhere on the East Coast. Or maybe Canada.

I've posted about him before and even included some pics of him and his family visiting Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn earlier this year.

That's a long-winded introduction to my next point, which is that Victor suggested to me the idea of a zombie who craved bran instead of brains and I made this cartoon out of it. Thanks, Victor (Vernon?), good luck in school. (Or was it jail?)

In other news, a reader of Bizarro saw this cartoon in the newspaper (an outdated mode of communication from the 1900s which facilitates the dissemination of facts to the public) and sent me the following haiku:

The vegan zombie
Cares not for sweet grey matter
They cry out for "grains"

It's funny because it's true. Or at least I assume it is true. I'm a vegan but not a zombie, so I can only be half sure.

Until tomorrow...live each day as though it is your last (but you don't know it is your last, otherwise you might spend all your money, punch your boss in the neck, and admit to your wife that you banged her sister in the pool house at that party that one time.)

Fashion Police Report

Bizarro is brought to you today by Martian smile.

You can tell a lot about a person by the message on their shirt. And that's the point, of course. I don't often wear shirts with pictures or words on them, but I have one that I like that has a cool cartoon image of a robot. It tells people I like cartoon robots.

Other types of shirts say even more about the wearer, however. When you see a guy with a shirt that says "Free Breast Exams," you know he's a virgin and will likely stay that way. For some, of course, a T-shirt just isn't enough to get the point across. On the other hand, a woman wearing a shirt that says, "My Eyes Are Up Here," tells you that she wants to draw attention to her breasts. This sort of shirt is frequently worn by someone who cannot even remember what virgin means.

I have a good friend in NYC who has cerebral palsy and wears a T-shirt with the handicap symbol on it along with the words, "I'm in it for the parking." As you might expect, he has a great sense of humor about his condition.

I love spotting the totally out-of-place shirts. I saw an old black guy in my neighborhood in Brooklyn wearing ratty trousers, beaten up sneakers, a dirty Oakland Raiders windbreaker and a T-shirt that said, "White Goddess." T-shirts are so easy to come by that I have to believe it wasn't the only one he could find.

Some popular shirts have gone through several stages. The "I'm With Stupid" shirt, with an arrow pointing to the person next to you was a huge hit, then shirt printers started moving the arrow. The first sequel I saw had an arrow that pointed up toward the wearer's head, which was quickly trumped by this one. They may have run out of places to point the arrow, but who can say?

There are thousands of T-shirts about being drunk, which I have always found sad somehow. I like to drink, but it isn't a political cause or a religion with me. "I'm not as think as you drunk I am" is still a big seller. As unfortunate at drinking shirts are, they do perform a valuable public service, telling the rest of us to stay away from the wearer unless you're looking for a person with a poor sense of humor and a substance problem.

There are many web pages dedicated to the importance of wearing just the right shirt when you're planning to be arrested. Here are some good examples.

If you are planning to spend some time in a holding cell, this may be a shirt you'll want to avoid.

NOTE: You may notice the dapper gentleman in the background of this cartoon wearing a fashionable Bizarro Alien shirt. Get one here!

Italian Spiderman

This is still one of my favorite film trailers of all time. Italian Spiderman, my hero.

I Be Dazzled

(Want to make something bigger of this drawing, just click it)

Bizarro is brought to you today by the BeDaZzLeR!

As I was sitting in the penthouse suite of Bizarro International Headquarters writing cartoons one day (or, more accurately, trying to come up with a single f-ing idea) I was musing over the classic stranded-on-a-desert-island motif and wondering what would be the absolutely most useless thing that could wash up on such a beach. I hadn't thought of the BDzer in decades, didn't know if they even still made them, but I instantly loved the idea of covering the island with plastic jewels. Voila, a cartoon is born.

So that's the answer to the question that we cartoonists get fairly constantly, "where do you get your ideas?" The answer is "The BeDazzler."

Now that I've divulged the secret, everyone will be doing it.

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this afternoon. All the previous caveats apply.


1 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days *
2 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
3 (+1). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
4 (-1). Diary of a Wimpy Kid
5 (+7). The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb *
6 (-). Watchmen
7 (N). The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks *
8 (-1). Mercy Thompson Homecoming
9 (+6). Batman: Arkham Asylum (15th Anniversary Edition)
10 (+1). Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History
11 (+5). Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
12 (+7). The Complete Persepolis
13 (+7). The Walking Dead, Vol. 10: What We Become
14 (-9). Stitches: A Memoir
15 (-2). Asterios Polyp
16 (-8). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
17 (-3). Batman: The Killing Joke
18 (+3). Maus II: A Survivor's Tale: And Here My Troubles Began
19 (-9). Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art
20 (-11). Fables Vol. 12: The Dark Ages
21 (+2). Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? Deluxe Edition
22 (-4). The Complete Peanuts 1971-1974 Box Set
23 (+3). Batman: The Long Halloween
24 (-2). Parker: The Hunter
25 (-8). Batman: Year One
26 (+17). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
27 (+9). The Stonekeeper's Curse (Amulet, Book 2)
28 (+2). American Born Chinese
29 (R). Final Crisis
30 (-1). Predators and Prey (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Vol. 5) *
31 (-7). Angel, Volume 5: Aftermath *
32 (N). The Cartoon History of the Modern World, Part 2: From the Bastille to Baghdad *
33 (+9). The Very Silly Mayor *
34 (R). Batman: Hush
35 (R). Achewood Volume 2: Worst Song, Played On Ugliest Guitar
36 (-11). Yotsuba&!, Vol. 6
37 (+12). Bone: One Volume Edition
38 (+9). The Surrogates
39 (N). Locke & Key: Head Games *
40 (+8). Stephen King's Dark Tower: Treachery
41 (-9). Time of Your Life (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 8, Vol. 4)
42 (N). The Sandman Vol. 5: A Game of You
43 (N). Bloom County Complete Library Volume 1 *
44 (-16). V for Vendetta
45 (-5). Fun Home
46 (R). Blankets
47 (R). The Sandman Vol. 4: Season of Mists
48 (R). Bone Volume 6: Old Man's Cave
49 (N). Marvel 1602 Premiere HC *
50 (R). Halo: Uprising



Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.

N = New listing appearing on list for first time
R = Item returning to the list after having been off for 1 or more weeks


Commentary:

* The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks seemingly charts new way up at slot 7 this week; but I had previously left it off the charts on the mistaken belief that it was not a graphic novel. There's no way for me to go back and correct the old charts, but it's here now.

* The highest actual debut this week belongs to Larry Gonick's The Cartoon History of the Modern World, Part 2. I think I've had mine on pre-order for over a year now...

* Also debuting this week are pre-orders for Locke & Key: Head Games; Bloom County Complete Library Volume 1; and Marvel 1602 Premiere HC.

* Yotsuba&! falls a bit, but is the only manga on the list this week.

* R. Crumb's Genesis is the top non-Wimpy Kid item this week, no doubt helped by the preview that appeared on BoingBoing last Friday.

Old School Thigh Master

Bizarro is brought to you today by Saw VIII: Bleeding From The Ears.

I have to admit I'm really pleased with this joke. It's a simple idea based on an iconic game of childhood innocence and curiosity, but with the addition of a single word becomes dark and disturbing. What more can one ask of a cartoon?

Speaking of dark and disturbing, I turned on TV last night to watch Hardball and Countdown and it happened to be tuned to some show called "Extra" on NBC. Within seconds I could see that it was a faux news show about celebrities, that generation of mutant journalism that I think "Entertainment Tonight" started.

The three, beautiful, twenty-something meat puppets hosting "Extra" were in the middle of a stiffly scripted "disagreement" over something Suzanne Somers uttered about Patrick Swayze's cancer treatment. One marionette thought Suzanne had a right to speak her mind, another thought it was too soon and she should have known better, the third thought she was wrong for saying anything but did the right thing by apologizing. Fascinating.

I know a lot of people watch these shows, you may be among them, and I do not wish to offend anyone kind enough to read this blog. But I can't stand them. I guess my revulsion begins in the premise that a celebrity's routines activities are elevated to the status of "news," and moves on through the mannequin performance of the cue-card-reading models who, by telling you about celebrities, become celebrities themselves. This concept is akin to a librarian becoming as famous as the authors of the books in her care.

Human fascination with celebrity is an interesting subject, the roots of which are deep within our evolution. Chimps have the same impulse within their own groups. In one behavioral study I read about, when given a choice between looking at a picture of a troupe leader or a food reward, they often chose the celebrity photo. How many American's would rather watch "Extra" or "ET" than eat a plate of nachos? Fortunately, as God's anointed species, we are not forced to choose and can simultaneously stuff our faces with Monterey Jack and Jacko. Still, I'd like to put some people in a cage and test this theory.

I'm not completely immune to the charm of celebrities myself, it is programmed into our DNA to a point, but I'm not interested in them enough to read magazines devoted to them or watch news shows about their hourly goings on.

And, for the record, I think Suzanne Somers should have said MORE about Patrick Swayze's treatment! Whatever the hell that means.

Until tomorrow...become a master of your own thighs.

Contest #5 WINNER!!!!

Sorry for the one hour delay in posting the contest, ladies, gentlemen and undecided. As promised, the seventh person to post the correct answers won, and that person comments under the name PEEFY!

This must have been a more difficult puzzle than the last four because it actually took 10 answers to come up with seven correct ones.

Here's the correct list, for those of you keeping score at home:
1. dynamite is colored
2. pocketbook becomes pear
3. cat on pamphlet becomes dog
4. goatee is missing
5. poster cat's eye has moved
6. pencil cup changes from eyeball to square thing
7. pencil becomes carrot
8. tape dispenser has eyeball
9. minute is misspelled
10. dog's arms are missing
11. animal hospital written on door
12. man at window has glasses
13. purse strap is missing
14. arm sticking out of mouth
15. husband becomes hasbeen

A few of my favorite incorrect answers:
Kangaroo's tie is missing
Glenn Beck has lost all sense of reality
Woman's cholesterol is lower

Hope you had fun. 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards will be loaded onto the Pony Express for PEEFY tomorrow!