Invasion Scenario

Bizarro is brought to you today by Hot Letters.

I drew this cartoon because I, myself, am a non-Henderson. 'Nuff said.

Here is a story about last night:
CHNW and I were spending a quiet evening in our upstairs living room watching television when suddenly, around midnight, I spotted movement in my periphery and turned my head to the darkened corner of the room where our spiral staircase ascends from the ground floor. There, rising like one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, was a large male figure.

Huge, pointy-clawed hands which I did not know resided within my chest grabbed my heart and squeezed hard, using their hairy elbows to push all of the air out of my lungs. For a solid 2 seconds, I was certain we were the victims of a home invasion and my mind raced to think what pointy or heavy object was within arm's length with which I could defend our lives and homestead. As he reached the top step and moved into the room, my razor-sharp brain suddenly recognized him and the claws let go of my heart as I was able to breath again.

For the past few days, CHNW and I have had a house guest, whom we will call Victor because that is his name. He is a youngster, college-age, and he was spending a few days in the city to see some Broadway shows and get lost in the city trying to navigate the subway system. Last night he went to see Avenue Q, a terribly funny show which I can recommend to anyone who enjoys funny things. (CHNW and I were watching HBO's True Blood, which I can recommend to anyone who likes blood.) Victor had been gone since around noon and I didn't hear him come in downstairs. Because my mind is more like a pocket calculator than a desktop computer, I had forgotten all about him.

In all my life I've never been so happy to see a male college student and he, CHNW and I had a good laugh. CHNW pointed out that the only weapon-worthy object in the room was my statue from the National Cartoonists Society. Victor came very close to being the first person in history to be murdered by a Reuben Award; a very dubious distinction, indeed.

And I would likely have been the first person to use the "I'm sorry, officer, I forgot he was staying with us" defense.

Crazy Erect Mullet

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Anti-Mullet.

Here are three cartoons from the past week. In the first, we see a fine, patriotic American in a mullet. Hard as it is to believe, there are still people out there who wear their hair this way. That's fine, don't get me wrong, it's everyone's prerogative to wear their hair any way they like and far be it from me to ridicule someone for looking unconventional. But still, the mullet is a hideous hairstyle and inherently funny. To me, that is.

The next offering comes from my vast experience with therapists. They always give an emergency number you can call when they are out of town. I don't actually use therapists for emergency-style problems so it amuses me when they tell me that. But I understand people who do. If you're seriously suicidal or something, you'd hate to be on the railing of a bridge and find out the one person you trust to talk you down is on a beach in Barbados and can't come to the phone. Myself, I go when I'm having trouble making a life decision like breaking up with someone or changing jobs or something, so I can't see myself calling a surrogate and pleading for help. "Should I do it in a restaurant, or in her apartment? What if she starts breaking things?"

Lastly, we have an erectile dysfunction gag, which is always funny, as long as you aren't the Viagra taker. I have no erectile difficulties, so this is still funny to me. Or maybe I'm just pretending it's funny to me so nobody will know I have an erectile problem. Most of you will never know.

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this morning. All the previous caveats apply.


1 (-). Scott Pilgrim Volume 6: Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour *
2 (-). Blackest Night
3 (-). Green Lantern: Blackest Night
4 (+3). Blackest Night: Green Lantern Corps
5 (-1). Troublemaker Book 1: Alex Barnaby Series 3 *
6 (+3). Scott Pilgrim, Vol. 3: Scott Pilgrim & the Infinite Sadness
7 (+1). Scott Pilgrim, Vol. 1: Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life
8 (+2). Scott Pilgrim, Vol. 2: Scott Pilgrim Versus The World
9 (-3). Diary of a Wimpy Kid 5 *
10 (-5). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
11 (+1). Batwoman: Elegy
12 (-1). Cover Run: The DC Comics Art of Adam Hughes
13 (+12). Blackest Night: Black Lantern Corps Vol. 1 *
14 (+1). Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History
15 (-2). Walking Dead Volume 12 *
16 (+2). Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
17 (+3). Blackest Night: Black Lantern Corps Vol. 2 *
18 (+14). Star Wars: Legacy Volume 9 - Monster *
19 (+20). Odd Is on Our Side *
20 (N). American Splendor: The Life and Times of Harvey Pekar
21 (+1). The Walking Dead Compendium Volume 1
22 (+4). Blackest Night: Rise of the Black Lanterns *
23 (+7). Blacksad
24 (+17). Absolute Planetary Book Two *
25 (-11). Twilight: The Graphic Novel, Volume 1
26 (+8). The Walking Dead Book 5
27 (-10). Irredeemable Vol 3
28 (-5). Kick-Ass
29 (+6). Absolute Planetary Book One
30 (+3). Blackest Night: Tales of the Corps *
31 (+9). Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season Eight Volume 6: Retreat
32 (-1). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
33 (N). The New American Splendor Anthology: From Off the Streets of Cleveland
34 (-18). Watchmen
35 (-6). Maus II: A Survivor's Tale: And Here My Troubles Began
36 (R). The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes
37 (-13). Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art
38 (R). Predators and Prey (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Vol. 5)
39 (-20). The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb
40 (R). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
41 (-14). The Long Way Home (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 8, Vol. 1)
42 (+3). V for Vendetta
43 (-5). Hellboy Volume 10: The Crooked Man and Others
44 (-7). Prince Valiant: 1939-1940 (Vol. 2) *
45 (N). Best of American Splendor
46 (R). The Walking Dead Volume 11: Fear The Hunters
47 (R). Dark Tower: The Battle of Jericho Hill *
48 (R). Dark Tower: The Fall of Gilead
49 (N). Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl Adventure!, Vol. 7
50 (-22). Wilson


Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.

N = New listing appearing on list for first time
R = Item returning to the list after having been off for 1 or more weeks


Commentary:

* Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour, which hits stores next Tuesday, stays entrenched at #1 this week, and climbs to #36 on the overall books chart.

* Blackest Night remains strong, with the released hardcovers filling in at #2-4 on the chart, and four more pre-order hardcovers falling in further down the list.

* Interest in Harvey Pekar is sparked by his passing, with three American Splendor collections pushing up on to the chart.

* The only non-Pekar debut this week is the latest Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl Adventure down near the bottom. It's also the only manga to chart this week.

Watercolor Wednesday

It's been a while since I've posted a Watercolor Wednesday, so I thought I'd show this drawing I was commissioned to create for a Mythfits fan. Apparently, there are people out there that identify with Robot OR Unicorn :)

I really enjoy the gender differences between these two. Somehow, they balance each other out. Which one do you identify with? Or which supporting character? Robot will be analyzing the results.

Dead Like Me

Bizarro is brought to you today by a Man With A Big Heart.

This gag was given to me by my good friend and fellow cartoonist, Michael Capozzola, author of Surveillance Caricatures in the San Francisco Chronicle, stand-up comedian, actor, play-on-words expert.

The older I get the less I like going to doctors. I've never enjoyed it, lord knows, but lately I've begun thinking what is really the point at all?

I've never been one to run to the doc for a cold or flu, they can't do anything for you anyway, it's just a needless expense. I have found over the years that if I fight my way through the occasional sickness with ibuprofen and good nutrition, I get sick much less often than my friends who are hooked on antibiotics. The fact that I eat a healthy vegan diet (as opposed to an unhealthy vegan diet full of sugar and high-fructose corn syrup and fried foods) and exercise moderately leaves me much less vulnerable to most "big" diseases, but even if I come down with one, chances are I won't be able to pay for the treatment.

I don't have health insurance because the insurance industry's number one job is to find a way not to pay back the tens of thousands that you've paid them over the years. It is quite literally their business model. I used to have it but came to see it as a false sense of security: even if you get sick or injured, chances are they will find a way to disqualify you. Then you're sick and frustrated with the unmistakable feeling that you've been screwed. Since I'm self employed there is no one to pay for part of mine, so it's like another mortgage payment each month to carry even bare-bones catastrophic.

So I've gotten used to the idea that as long as I live in the U.S. if I get really sick, I'll just die. I won't care after I'm dead, any more than I care what I'm missing when I'm asleep. Quality of life is more important to me than quantity, so I do what I can to keep myself healthy and if I get unlucky anyway, so be it. I'd rather die at home (or at my own hands if it gets too painful) than in a hospital hooked to machinery and leaving my family bankrupt or with a huge insurance company battle on their hands.

I know this isn't conventional and doesn't make sense to most people, but it's my choice. To hell with doctors, insurance companies and our corrupt health care system; I'm tired of buying yachts for others. We've known it sucks for a long time and we refuse to fix it.

For now, my motto: Eat right, exercise, die like a human. Of course, my tune might change if I get diagnosed with something wicked. It's easy to talk this way when you're still healthy.

New This Week: July 14, 2010

Here's a look at what will be hitting the shelves of your friendly neighborhood comic store tomorrow:

The sixth and final volume in the Scott Pilgrim series, Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour, is due to arrive. Maybe you've heard about it? Just in time for the movie, which hits theaters next month. It's a rare example of perfect timing in the comics-to-movies publishing schedule, as interest in the graphic novels in the series has been high ever since the first trailer debuted a few months ago, and the pre-order for the final volume was at the top of the Amazon comics & graphic novels chart last week.

Edit: Oops. While SPFH shipped to retailers this week, it doesn't go on sale until Tuesday (the same day as bookstores). So put it on your list for next week.

Also hitting stores this week is Fractured Fables, a kid-friendly anthology with stories by some top talents, including Jill Thompson, Bryan Talbot, Terry Moore, Mike Allred, Larry Marder, Ted McKeever, and many others.

Do you like vikings? DC have Viking Prince by Joe Kubert, a hardcover collection of the classic back-up series.

And Marvel bring us Agents of Atlas Vs., a hardcover collection of the Atlas vs. X-Men and Atlas vs. Avengers mini-series that bridged the gap between the former and current Atlas series. If you missed out before (and given the sales figures, chances are you did) you now have a second chance to read these fine stories.

Offspring

Bizarro is brought to you today by How To Use Your Nose To Impress The Ladies.
Here's a fun story. The color cartoon shown here is what appeared in my client newspapers but it is not the way I originally wrote or drew it. The black and white cartoon below was my first attempt.

My editors at the syndicate didn't understand the original cartoon (I don't blame them) and thought that it might be seen as racist, and they were undoubtedly right. As those of you who have read my blog regularly know, people will complain about racism if given even a sliver of an opportunity. Complaints to newspapers are bad for business, so I changed the gag to a ventriloquist theme, which is a better cartoon anyway.

The original gag was supposed to be that a couple of white ladies see a middle-aged black lady walking a blond baby in a stroller and think she has adopted him. Their comment is meant to imply that they see this sort of thing all the time. What they are actually seeing are nannies, of course. I don't know about other parts of the country, but here in NYC one regularly sees middle-aged women-of-color walking white kids. Evidently, lots of rich white folks don't raise their own kids and who can blame them? Making babies is so much more fun than making sure they don't grow up to be scourges on society.*

*This statement is sarcasm.