Friday Night Fights: Illyana Rasputin vs. S'ym

From Magik #4 (1984). Art by Sal Buscema & Tom Palmer. Colors by Ken Feduniewicz. Letters by Tom Orzechowski. Story by Chris Claremont. (click pic for larger)

One panel? UARRRGH!

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this afternoon. All the previous caveats apply.


1 (-). Watchmen
2 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
3 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid
4 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
5 (+2). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
6 (-1). Watchmen (hardcover)
7 (-1). Batman: R.I.P.
8 (+4). V for Vendetta
9 (+7). Watchmen (Absolute Edition)
10 (+1). All Star Superman, Vol. 2
11 (-3). Scott Pilgrim Volume 5: Scott Pilgrim vs The Universe
12 (-2). The Joker
13 (-4). Batman: The Killing Joke
14 (-). Serenity, Vol. 2: Better Days
15 (-2). The Walking Dead, Vol. 9: Here We Remain
16 (+4). Naruto, Volume 38 *
17 (-2). Batman: Year One
18 (+14). Batman: Arkham Asylum (15th Anniversary Edition)
19 (-). The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes
20 (+2). Naruto, Volume 40 *
21 (-). Naruto, Volume 39 *
22 (+16). Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History
23 (N). The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Vol. 1
24 (N). The Starman Omnibus, Vol. 2 *
25 (+22). Unmanned (Y: The Last Man, Vol. 1)
26 (-2). Naruto, Volume 41 *
27 (-2). Wolves at the Gate (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume 3)
28 (+9). Crown Of Horns (Bone)
29 (+6). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes (Calvin & Hobbes)
30 (-2). Watching the Watchmen: The Definitive Companion to the Ultimate Graphic Novel
31 (N). Y: The Last Man Vol. 2: Cycles
32 (N). Vampire Knight, Vol. 6 *
33 (N). Time of Your Life (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 8, Vol. 4) *
34 (N). Y: The Last Man Vol. 3: One Small Step
35 (+13). No Future For You (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume 2)
36 (-9). The Dresden Files: Welcome to the Jungle
37 (-20). Secret Invasion
38 (-7). Mercy Thompson Homecoming *
39 (-). The Long Way Home (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Vol. 1)
40 (N). The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Vol. 2
41 (N). Star Trek: Countdown TPB *
42 (N). Y: The Last Man, Vol. 10: Whys and Wherefores
43 (-). Serenity, Vol. 1: Those Left Behind
44 (-14). The Hidden Temple (Star Wars: Legacy, Vol. 5) *
45 (N). The Sandman Vol. 2: The Doll's House
46 (N). Fruits Basket Volume 22 *
47 (N). The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The Black Dossier
48 (N). From Hell
49 (+1). Bleach, Volume 26 *
50 (N). The Adventures of Johnny Bunko (Kindle edition)

Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.


Commentary:

* How big is Watchmen? The regular paperback edition is not only #1 on the Comics & Graphic Novels chart, but also #4 on the overall Amazon bestsellers chart.

* How big the the Watchmen halo effect? All three League of Extraordinary Gentlemen volumes debut on the list, as does From Hell.

* Y, the Last Man makes a strong showing this week, with the first volume rocketing up twenty-two places, and three more volumes debuting on the list.

* All manga on the list, save one, are pre-orders. In addition to the usual Naruto, we also see new volumes of Vampire Knight & Fruits Basket pop up.

* That one non-pre-order manga title is The Adventures of Johnny Bunko, a job hunting guide done as manga. A sign of the economy? Even more oddly it's the Kindle version (the print version is apparently not in print/stock from Amazon); if you need a job hunting book, how is it that you've spent money on a Kindle?

* Another bad week for Marvel on Amazon; they place only one title, Secret Invasion, and that falls a whopping twenty places on the chart.

Take Me Back

Bizarro is brought to you today by Giant Drag Queens and the Men Who Love Them.

I've touched on this subject of young men dressing like rodeo clowns before, but this is perhaps my favorite one. I did a cartoon back in the 90s about cops having covertly started the baggy pants fad to make gang members easier to catch on foot. Might be true.

This week, a real life cop wrote to me and said he could not count how many times this had actually happened to him. He cuffs a suspect, their pants keep falling down, and they blame him.

When the baggy-pants-underwear-showing look first became popular, I laughed out loud and thought it could not possibly last. Here we are like, what, 20 years later and it's still hip? I mean phat? WTF?

I'm heading to Tulsa in a couple of hours to visit my family and to perform at a fundraiser for my old high school, Booker T. Washington. If you have some extra bucks to donate to educating ne'er-do-wells and miscreants (some in baggy pants, no doubt), and nothing to do on Saturday morning, come join us.

Dead Death

Bizarro is brought to you today by Exciting Discoveries!

I spent all of my blogging time today on the previous post about Ash Wednesday, so this one is short.

I don't know how good this cartoon is (I'm sure the commentators will tell me in no uncertain terms) but I was thinking one day what conclusion you could draw after finding the Grim Reaper's dead body. If you can think of a better line for the cop to use, I'm all ears.

Ash Wednesday

Since today is Ash Wednesday, I thought I'd post a short, special tribute to my ex-girlfriend and wife, Ashley, a.k.a. CHNW, whom I commonly call, "Ash."

Here she is wearing a coat that has bunny ears on the hood. She has related to non-human animals in a special way since early childhood and cannot seem to break the habit. (Anyone who makes a bestiality comment gets voted off the island.)

Here she is with a rescued fawn at Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary. The momma doe was killed by a car so we took in the fawn for a few days until we could find a wildlife rehabilitator. The fawn was fond of sucking on Ash's earlobe for comfort, which Ashley enjoyed, too. What a nice lady.

Here, she is very excited about a rescued calf at Woodstock, whom we named Dylan. He was found tied up inside a dark barn and was destined to be veal. That was a few years ago, now he is all grown up and the size of a Cadillac Escalade. He still comes to the fence when Ash calls him, and clearly has affection for her. She can no longer get inside the pasture with him, however, for he could accidentally crush her skull with a twitch of his upper lip. Did I mention he is large?

Here is the obligatory Ashley with chicken and donkey shot. This kind of thing tends to happen to her a lot, this time it was at Leilani Farm Sanctuary in Maui. Keen observers will notice there are two donkeys in this picture, one is pushing his nose into Ashley's butt. Who can blame him?

Here she is sharing a guava with said butt-muncher.

Speaking of butts, in this photo, Ash cleverly displays the world's largest nut, which comes from a palm tree of some sort. Since it is somewhat difficult to discern the nut from Ashley's own booty, I have included a picture of myself with said nut for proportion.















To conclude this special Ash Wednesday edition I offer this picture of Ash in a medieval helmet. This took place a couple of years ago in an Italian museum which does not employ enough guards to prevent this sort of thing.






(Special thanks to my buddy, Richard Cabeza, who's also married to an "Ash" and who reminded me of this special day.)

Sad Stereotypes

Bizarro is brought to you today by Real Live Indians.

Me: "My name is Dan Piraro and I suffer from depression."
All: "Hello, Dan."
Group member: "You're not supposed to use your last name, this is Depression Anonymous."
Me: "You're not supposed to use quotation marks in a script format, either, so sue me."

Yes, I'm a long time taker of "crazy pills," thus called because they keep me from being crazy. As such, I know full well that anti-depressants do not make a person feel the way Melancholy Wolf appears to feel in this cartoon. In truth, they just make you feel normal. Normally happy, sad, or somewhere in between, depending on the circumstance.

I was quite the melancholy wolf for many years, with unpredictable bouts of utter hopelessness and despair, as well as unbridled anger, that would last from a few days to a few weeks. I went to shrinks, I read books, I exercised, I changed my diet, I changed my life – nothing worked. It was inexplicable.

Until one of my therapists bothered to "explic" it to me and asked me to try anti-depressants. I was very hesitant, being one of those tough guys who doesn't want a chemical solution to my problems. But I was so desperate I finally agreed and within a couple of weeks, I felt normal for the first time in my adult life. Melancholy Wolf's exuberance is representative of how I felt when the cloud first lifted. I just wish I hadn't waited until my late thirties to take the plunge.

Speaking of the Injuns in the cartoon above, I was in Indianapolis recently with some Native American comic artist colleagues and learned a lot about what sort of pop culture stereotypes bother them. I suspect this cartoon might fit into a few of those categories because I didn't bother to research it.

Not all American Indians wore braids, bone breastplates, feathers in their hair, fringe on their shirts and lived in teepees, yet that is commonly how they are depicted. Sorry, guys, didn't have time to look it up, deadlines loomed. I just went straight for the easy cliche, I hope I didn't get it completely wrong.

On a slightly different note, I'm a fan of Native American names. Not all of them are bucolic monikers about nature – like Soaring Eagle and Whispering Beaver – some are more expository. My favorite name, which was in a book of photos of Native Americans from around the turn of the 19th century, is Stabs By Mistake.

Following this method of naming, when CHNW and I were first married, I dubbed her grandmother, Stares At New Guy Like She Hates Him.

Impossible World

Bizarro is brought to you today by Eat My Friends!

Here's a simple visual gag that has no deeper meaning and nothing to do with anything. Sometimes a bit of simple surrealism is good for you. It's not brilliant, but it's a smile.

What's fun about cartoons like this is that as often as not, someone will write to me in all seriousness and say something like, "I love Bizarro but I don't get today's cartoon. Is there something I'm missing? How could the prisoners dig their way to another planet?"

I never mind people asking for clarification on a cartoon and their confusion is often warranted because my cartoon was nebulous. So I'm nice to anyone who writes (unless they are being an a**hole). When someone asks a question like my hypothetical one above, I still respond politely but I admit that I laugh before I type.
And sometimes I call CHNW in from the other room to laugh with me.
And sometimes a few friends from the neighborhood.
Only on rare occasions have I posted the letter on YouTube in a video in which I appear with phony buck teeth and a fright wig, pretending to be the person who wrote the letter.

Usually I just politely explain that it's supposed to be impossible, and therein lies the humor. Or what I mistook for humor when I wrote it.

Other sorts of letters I sometimes get will be from somebody like a meteorologist who feels it his duty to point out that the earth I have drawn in the background has no clouds on the entire hemisphere shown, which is statistically impossible. For readers like this, I send my special Bizarro Anthrax Gift Basket.

Oscar Picks

My sure-to-be-wrong Oscar picks:

Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
Actress: Kate Winslet
Actor: Mickey Rourke
Sup Actress: Penelope Cruz
Sup Actor: Heath Ledger
Director: Gus Van Sant
Adapt Screenplay: Frost/Nixon
Orig Screenplay: Milk
Animated: WALL-E
Art Direction: Benjamin Button
Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire
Costume Design: Milk
Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Foreign Film: The Class
Makeup: Benjamin Button
Score: Slumdog Millionaire
Song: "Down to Earth"
Sound Mixing: Slumdog Millionaire
Sound Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Visual Effects: Benjamin Button
Animated Short: Presto
Live Short: Manon on the Asphalt
Doc Feature: Man on Wire
Doc Short: The Conscience of Nhem En

These picks of course reflect who I think will win, not necessarily who I think should win...

Monkey Covers

Sunday is Monkey Covers day here at YACB. Because there's nothing better than a comic with a monkey on the cover!

It's gorilla vs. mini van on the cover of Journal de Tintin #851 (1965?).

(Standard disclaimer about motor vehicle-hating gorillas not really being monkeys applies.)


Image courtesy of the GCD. Click on the image for a larger version.

Greek Freaks

(Jonesin' for a bigger picture? Click it like a red-headed stepchild.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Zeus, King of the Gods.

What man wouldn't want to be a centaur? You'd have all of the benefits of a human upper body – dexterity, human intelligence, a good place to hang a nice shirt – plus all the benefits of a horse's entire body: speed, strength, majesty, great kicking, hung like a...

You'd have an advantage in almost any sport (exceptions: skiing, snowboarding, cycling, auto racing [not really a 'sport', per se, in my opinion] skydiving [not a 'sport' either], hockey, soccer, pole vault, diving, swimming, bowling [not a sport], tennis, racquetball.) Okay, you'd have an advantage in a few sports like football, basketball, kickboxing, baseball [maybe], and all running events. But even without sports, it would still be so cool to be able to gallop like a horse, tower above crowds, and kick the crap out of anyone who made "horse's ass comments."

Being a satyr would not be as much fun, maybe no fun at all. I can't think of many advantages of being part goat. I like goats, I just don't want to be one. Yes, satyrs have a tremendous sexual appetite and sex is often considered fun, but how many women are willing to throw down with a goat?

And pretty much nobody would want to be the third brother. No advantages there whatsoever, unless you're just really into pecking. I think that guy would need a centaur brother just to keep him from getting the stuffings beaten out of him.

Last Words

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Two Too Hairy.

I've seen a lot of self-referential cartoons over the years with various gimmicks that use cartoon balloons as props within the scene or characters that make reference to the borders, etc., and I've done a handful myself. In general, cartoons like that can be too "easy," so I only do them when I think I have a concept that is interesting enough to make it worthwhile. I think this one passes that test; some will disagree with me, of course. (See comments section under "Anonymous.")

I like the fact that this has multiple layers: the victim's last words, the caption balloon stabbed into his back, the reference to the 911 call which would have been the same as the victim's last words. For super-genius readers, like those who frequent this blog, the whole thing falls into place instantly, you smile and snort, count the secret symbols and move on to "Cathy." But for some readers, this cartoon was confusing enough to write to me and ask what it meant. Here is an excerpt from one such email:

"Huh?"

So here is the full explanation of this cartoon:
A guy in a cartoon calls 911 and says, "Help! Someone is using my own words against me!" Because he is in a cartoon, his words appear in a balloon above him with a pointer that designates the speaker of the words contained within. Apparently, as guy #1 utters these words, guy #2 (not pictured) is, in fact, grabbing that same caption balloon and stabbing the caller with the point of it, thus using his own words against him. All of this happens before the scene pictured. As we join the unfortunate cartoon character, now presumably dead, the police cartoon characters have already arrived, one of whom exclaims with his own cartoon balloon that he now understands the peculiar 911 call, "Help! Someone is using my own words against me!"*

Simple.

*This cartoon is fictional and is not meant to represent any actual events or persons. No actual characters were harmed in the making of this cartoon. All characters, both explicit and insinuated, are entirely constructed of lines and color and do not exist in biological form. Your computer screen is an electronic device for personal use and is not a window into another world or alternate reality.

Friday Night Fights: Mr. Masago vs. the chefs of Shinto Pete's

From Johnny Hiro #2 (2007). Story and art by Fred Chao. (click pic for larger)

One panel? Lobster!

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this afternoon. All the previous caveats apply.


1 (+1). Watchmen
2 (-1). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
3 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid
4 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
5 (-). Watchmen (hardcover)
6 (-). Batman: R.I.P.
7 (+2). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
8 (-1). Scott Pilgrim Volume 5: Scott Pilgrim vs The Universe
9 (-1). Batman: The Killing Joke
10 (+2). The Joker
11 (+6). All Star Superman, Vol. 2
12 (-1). V for Vendetta
13 (-3). The Walking Dead, Vol. 9: Here We Remain
14 (-1). Serenity, Vol. 2: Better Days
15 (+3). Batman: Year One
16 (-2). Watchmen (Absolute Edition)
17 (+12). Secret Invasion
18 (+1). Scott Pilgrim, Vol. 1: Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life
19 (+7). The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes
20 (N). Naruto, Volume 38 *
21 (N). Naruto, Volume 39 *
22 (N). Naruto, Volume 40 *
23 (+2). Naruto, Volume 35
24 (N). Naruto, Volume 41 *
25 (-9). Wolves at the Gate (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume 3)
26 (+5). Naruto, Volume 36
27 (+9). The Dresden Files: Welcome to the Jungle
28 (+16). Watching the Watchmen: The Definitive Companion to the Ultimate Graphic Novel
29 (+1). Naruto, Volume 34
30 (-6). The Hidden Temple (Star Wars: Legacy, Vol. 5) *
31 (+15). Mercy Thompson Homecoming *
32 (-12). Batman: Arkham Asylum (15th Anniversary Edition)
33 (N). Scott Pilgrim, Vol. 2: Scott Pilgrim Versus The World
34 (N). DMZ Vol. 6: Blood in the Game
35 (-20). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
36 (-8). Crown Of Horns (Bone)
37 (-15). Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History
38 (+10). The Long Way Home (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Vol. 1)
39 (N). Wanted
40 (-7). Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art
41 (-6). Barack Obama Amazing Spider-Man #583 Flag Cover Variant Third Printing
42 (-19). Serenity, Vol. 1: Those Left Behind
43 (-11). The Complete Persepolis
44 (N). Fables Vol. 1: Legends in Exile
45 (N). Maus II: A Survivor's Tale: And Here My Troubles Began
46 (N). Unmanned (Y: The Last Man, Vol. 1)
47 (-4). No Future For You (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume 2)
48 (N). Scott Pilgrim, Vol. 3: Scott Pilgrim & the Infinite Sadness
49 (N). Bleach, Volume 26 *

Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.


Commentary:

* Watchmen finally breaks into the top spot. The hardcover remains at #5, and the absolute edition also maintains strong sales. Even the Dave Gibbons retrospective gets some pre-movie love, jumping up 16 places.

* Four new Naruto pre-orders land on the chart, bunched up in the early-twenties. The only non-Naruto manga to make the charts is a pre-order of Bleach, eking in at #50.

* A couple of Vertigo perennials resurface near the bottom of the chart--the first volumes of Y, the Last Man and Fables. (Y made an appearance on this week's episode of Lost, as Hurley was seen reading a Spanish-language edition.)

Three Amigos

Bizarro is brought to you today by Lethal Lingerie.

I'm not one to poke fun at people who are different, deformed, or disabled, but three-headed people always make me giggle.

I often wonder which position I would want if I was part of a tri-noggin organism. The outside positions would have slightly more privacy and better access to the nearest arm, but the middle position would feel a natural authority, balance and inclusion in any conversation.

In the negative category, the middle would have no privacy whatsoever and might be prone to feelings of claustrophobia, as well as being caught literally in the middle of any arguments between the outer two. The outer positions could feel excluded if the middle and opposing head spent too much time conversing, or should decide to keep secrets. An additional drawback of the middle head would be having to wait your turn for certain tasks like brushing your teeth or shaving, as the outer heads would presumably have the option to service themselves first.

But another positive for the center melon would be protection from objects approaching from the side, a definite advantage in a bar fight.

One also wonders who controls singular tasks like bending at the waist, sitting, breaking into a run, etc. If an outside head tries to sit without telling the other two, one imagines the body falls to that side as the leg bends. If he should decide to run without alerting the others, he might well run in a circle. But what if the middle head attempts to bend over quickly, as when dodging a flying shoe at a press conference, for instance, and the other two are unaware of the attempt? Does the middle head give itself whiplash?

So many questions, all answered in the upcoming autotriography. Pre-order yours now.

Me and Sheila

Bizarro is brought to you today by Aesthetic Assassinations.

Here's another one of those editing screw ups on my part. The cartoon shown here is as it was when I sent it in to King Features. Shortly thereafter, I received a call from my editor explaining that they'd had a lot of complaints about the word "freakin" in other comic strips lately and that it would be wise to change it. Apparently, there are numerous newspaper readers across the country who are offended by even a euphemism of a "bad" word and are willing to make their local editor's life miserable if they see one in their paper.

So the fine folks at King changed the word to "stupid" or something and I was to change it on the color version I sent in later. Both this editing discussion and the one I mentioned a couple of posts ago happened while I was out of town and by the time I got back to the Command Center at Bizarro Global Headquarters, I'd forgotten about them and didn't make the changes.

So x number of newspapers and web sites published the cartoon above one week ago yesterday, with it's magical, taboo, "evil" letter order in tact, but I've not heard of any complaints. Which is good.

On the subject of the GPS, I think this is the coolest invention since Scotch. But I can't say I'm fond of the voice that tells you what to do. I've gotten into shouting matches with that person before, whom I call "Sheila," and even though I always win, she remains smug and unflappable, which annoys me even more. Nowadays, I use the one on my iPhone, which is silent. I miss more turns, but at least Sheila isn't there to point it out.

Shameless Friend Promotion: Jim Ottaviani Interview on Newsarama

Pal Jim O is interviewed by Newsarama's Zack Smith about his upcoming comic T-Minus: "The Race to the Moon in Comic Form: Ottaviani on T-Minus"

Here in the Future

Today's Bizarro is sponsored by My New TV Series.

It is difficult for me to completely grasp, but Americans under 30-or-so cannot remember a time before computers were ubiquitous. I'm not all that old, as you can see from this dashing recent photo of me, but I never even saw a desktop computer in person until I was an adult and didn't learn to use one until I was in my thirties. Even hand-held calculators were rare and expensive when I was in high school. I learned to type on a typewriter like the one in this cartoon and the closest thing to spell-check that existed was my mom and a pocket dictionary.

I may sound like an old geezer but the speed at which technology has moved in the past 30 years makes a person's head spin. There is nothing to indicate that it will slow down in the near future, but at the current exponential rate that it is moving, sometime next month we'll have personal robots that respond to voice commands, be teleporting from coast to coast using only our thoughts, and the Internet will appear as a 3-D hologram hovering in front of us.

More to the point of this cartoon, computers actually did get too small to use. The most advanced cell phones of a only a couple years ago did everything the early desktop computers did but the keypads were so small and inefficient you might as well have been using Morse code and an abacus. Thank god for the ingenious new designs by Apple (again) and the new generation of phone screens and keyboards. How did we get by without them?

I know that when I describe the way my family and I lived when I was a kid, I sound like Abraham Lincoln reading by candlelight in a log cabin. But seriously, compared to now, we were practically barbarians squatting in tents in the wilderness. If you're currently a high school kid, chances are that by the time you're my age your description of today's Internet, email, texting, digital TV, etcetera, will seem like cavemen banging on logs with sticks. Get used to it.

That's if modern human civilization still exists by then, which is very unlikely, so never mind.

Sofa Self-Censure

Bizarro is brought to you today by Godzilla Goes Swimming.

Here we have a simple turn of a phrase, the sort I've always found fun. To me, any sofa long enough to accommodate me is a sofa bed. In fact, I'd much rather sleep on a sofa than a fold-out bed inside a sofa. The sofa cushion is invariably more comfortable than the thin mattress covering the wirey armature of the bed.

I know there are exceptions to this. Like futon sofa/beds, which are often more comfortable to sleep on as a futon opened up on the floor than they are as a thing to sit on, and modern sofas with platforms and big cushions or something. There are probably more wacky sofa bed inventions but I'm bored even thinking about it and I'm guessing you're nodding off reading about it, so let's move on to the next subject. It's just as boring, but at least it is a change of pace.

When I sent this cartoon in, it had a grievous typo. The woman was saying "Does is fold out?" Me editor caught it, corrected it on the black and white version, sent me an email reminding me to correct it on my version before I colored it, and sent it out to papers. That's our routine.

A handful of papers and all websites run Bizarro in color every day. The color files are sent electronically (as opposed to the b/w cartoons being mailed in hard copy, the old-fashioned way) so I have a little more time to finish them. I color the cartoons the week after they have been sent in and edited for b/w clients and that's when I usually correct mistakes or typos that my editor has found.

In this case, I was out of town when I got the email and forgot to refer to it when I got back and colored the cartoons. So the moronic version ran in papers and web sites all over America, making me look foolish. I hate it when that happens.

In a cartoon later that same week, a word was changed because of previous problems with it but again, I forgot to change it on the color version. That mistake could have gotten me into trouble with client editors all over North America. Everybody loves a cliffhanger so I'll post that cartoon later this week and 'splain.

Land That Fashion Forgot

(To see a more huge version of this cartoon, click the right bug's left antenna.)

Bizarro today is brought to you in part by a grant from the Alliance of Unpopular Choir Members.

Here is a little drawing for the combover wearers among us, especially those with bugs in their hair. I wondered when I drew this if enough people would get that the scene was taking place on someone's head. Bizarro appears in other countries, and also I wonder if the term will translate sufficiently there. But I did it anyway, because that's the kind of crazy devil-may-care action-adventure type guy I am. It's also just another of the many reasons I'm not a millionaire. Not mainstream enough.

To help the image along, I added this title panel to the cartoon, but many newspapers don't use this header panel when they print my Sunday cartoon (because of space constraints), so it probably wasn't much help.

I've never understood the combover's appeal. How many people honestly think it fools others into thinking they still have hair there? How many think it is not fooling anyone, but looks better than bald skin? How many are actually fooling themselves into thinking there is still hair there?

I'm not a guy with a skull full of fur myself, so I am not without sympathy for the naked pated. Personally, I loathe both combovers and the look of very thin hair, so I've committed to shaving my head if my remaining hair gets thin enough that it looks unappealing to me. I have no idea how I'll look bald, my head may be the shape of a Silly Putty egg, but I think it is better than the alternatives. A Toupee, of course, is utterly out of the question, except in the context of Halloween. As are those places that sew a rug to your head.

On another note, thanks for all the responses yesterday concerning the super hero book vs. the cowboy book. So far, super heroes are winning. All of this, of course, hinges on whether a publisher is interested in either idea. Sometimes they just steer you in some other random direction and you're out of luck.

Lynching, Polling

Bizarro is brought to you today by Cowboys of the Future.

I like this cartoon, but it isn't the way I originally wrote it. My first version, which appears below, was considered too violent, especially at a time when talk of "lynching" has been used in very offensive ways against our president. So I changed the image in a way that removed the potentially offending imagery but kept the joke.

I'm glad I changed it. It's one thing to do a joke about a controversial subject like gay marriage and risk angering homophobics and bigots. That's a calculated risk I'm often willing to take. But to do a joke about one thing and risk upsetting people for reasons that have nothing to do with the message of the cartoon is quite another. In this economic climate, as newspapers are looking for ways to save money, we cartoonists cannot afford to cause unnecessary trouble for editors.

Here's a question to you, the blog reader. Or, the "bloader," as I like to call you. Since my book of Bizarro pirate cartoons sold moderately well (and given the New Depression, that's great!) I've been thinking of doing a book of either Bizarro western cartoons, or super hero cartoons. Which do you think would sell better? Would you be more likely to buy a small book of Bizarro cartoons about cowboys, indians, Old West stuff, or one about super heroes?

Friday Night Fights: Olive Oyl vs. Popeye

From Popeye #135 (1976). Writer & artist uncredited. (click pic for larger)

A Love Tap? Never laugh at a lady!

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this afternoon. All the previous caveats apply.


1 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
2 (-). Watchmen
3 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid
4 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
5 (-). Watchmen (hardcover)
6 (+5). Batman RIP *
7 (-1). Scott Pilgrim Volume 5: Scott Pilgrim vs The Universe *
8 (+1). Batman: The Killing Joke
9 (-2). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
10 (-). The Walking Dead, Vol. 9: Here We Remain
11 (+2). V for Vendetta
12 (-). The Joker
13 (+5). Serenity, Vol. 2: Better Days
14 (+35). Watchmen (Absolute Edition)
15 (+22). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
16 (+12). Wolves at the Gate (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume 3)
17 (+16). All Star Superman, Vol. 2 *
18 (+12). Batman: Year One
19 (+5). Scott Pilgrim, Vol. 1: Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life
20 (+3). Batman: Arkham Asylum (15th Anniversary Edition)
21 (-2). Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
22 (-8). Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History
23 (+18). Serenity, Vol. 1: Those Left Behind
24 (+7). The Hidden Temple (Star Wars: Legacy, Vol. 5) *
25 (-). Naruto, Volume 35
26 (-2). The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes
27 (-10). The Stuff of Life: A Graphic Guide to Genetics and DNA
28 (-13). Crown Of Horns (Bone)
29 (-9). Secret Invasion
30 (-2). Naruto, Volume 34
31 (-9). Naruto, Volume 36
32 (-3). The Complete Persepolis
33 (-1). Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art
34 (N). Ultimate Spider-Man, Vol. 21: War of the Symbiotes *
35 (-27). Barack Obama Amazing Spider-Man #583 Flag Cover Variant Third Printing
36 (-20). The Dresden Files: Welcome to the Jungle
37 (N). The Dangerous Alphabet
38 (N). Complete Chester Gould's Dick Tracy Volume 6
39 (N). The Complete Far Side 1980-1994
40 (-5). The Arrival
41 (+7). Dilbert 2.0: 20 Years of Dilbert
42 (N). The Sandman Vol. 2: The Doll's House
43 (-9). No Future For You (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume 2)
44 (N). Watching the Watchmen: The Definitive Companion to the Ultimate Graphic Novel
45 (-5). The Marvel Encyclopedia
46 (N). Mercy Thompson Homecoming *
47 (N). The Sandman Vol. 3: Dream Country
48 (-3). The Long Way Home (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Vol. 1)
49 (N). The Legend of Zelda , Volume 3: Majora's Mask
50 (N). Dark Tower: The Long Road Home (Exclusive Amazon.com Cover)

Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.


Commentary:

* While pre-orders on the fifth Scott Pilgrim volume remain strong, interest in the previous volumes has waned after the surge last week.

* Sales on Watchmen are probably keeping all of the rest of DC Comics afloat. Not only do the paperback & hardcover remain in the top five, but the expensive absolute edition surged up from 49 to 14.

* DC also have strong pre-order sales with their two high-profile Grant Morrison projects: Batman RIP & All-Star Superman.

* Interest in the Obama Spider-Man third-party market is officially over. Only the 3rd printing still shows up in the top fifty; it plummets from 8 down to 35 and goes for as little as $3.79

* The highest debut belongs to a pre-order for the latest Ultimate Spider-Man volume. In fact, with the exception of the aforementioned Obama-Spidey comic back issue, Brian Michael Bendis is responsible for all of Marvel's charting graphic novels. (The Marvel Encyclopedia is actually a Dorling Kindersly publication.)

* For no discernable reason there's a mini surge of interest in strip collections, with The Complete Calvin & Hobbes jumping way up (I think there was a modest price drop), and a Dick Tracy volume and the old Complete Far Side both debuting on the chart.

Heroes and Villains

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Pediatricians.

This idea came while watching a football game and inking cartoons one afternoon. The female sideline reporter (almost all sideline reporters are female these days, someone must have passed a law) was interviewing a player and he was much taller than she, of course. But it suddenly occurred to me that she was holding the microphone up over her head to reach his face. Try it yourself right now. Imagine interviewing someone so much bigger than you that you have to hold the mic up over your head, as though pointing it at a light fixture on the ceiling.

And keep in mind these are not skinny, tall guys. These guys are HUGE. Their hands are bigger than your head. When you see someone that big in person, it almost seems as though they are a different species.

If only American football had been popular in Frankenstein's time, the monster could have worn a uniform and he would have been adored, instead of chased down by a mob and killed.

I think we've all learned an important lesson today.

A Head of the Pack

Bizarro is brought to you this week by Tasty Walkways.

This idea is a collaboration between my cartoonist/stand-up comic friend, Michael. I think he came up with the top two, I came up with the bottom two. Can't remember now.

He does a weekly cartoon for SF Gate, the Thursday entertainment guide in the San Francisco Chronicle. It used to be called "Cheap City" and was about bizarre ways to save money. Now he's changed it to "Surveillance Charicatures" and it's all over the map. Here's one of my recent faves.

I've done a few cartoons over the years about how those hands-free headset things have become fashion accessories among certain members of our society. If what they say about excessive use leading to brain tumors, eventually head bandages will become a status symbol, too.

Club Monkeyshines

Bizarro is brought to you today by Eddy the Drillhead.

Here's a cartoon I have not much to say about. It isn't great, it isn't awful, it's just a cartoon.

Instead, let's talk about a party I was dragged to by CHNW the other night. We have some friends that run with the fabulous people and every now and then we accompany them to a fabulous affair, the sort I don't feel any more comfortable at than a monster truck rally in the swamps of Louisiana.

Apparently it was a supermodel's birthday (who shall remain nameless for legal reasons), and it was being held in the VIP section of an exclusive club I've never heard of. When we approached the address, there was a healthy-sized crowd outside begging to get past the velvet ropes like orphans at Scrooge's door. We got to pass through the crowd, Moses-parting-the-Red-Sea style because we were on the supermodel's list. What a great feeling it is to have your superior desirability publicly acknowledged in the presence of the less desirable.

Once inside, our skeletons, organs, tissues, entire bodies were treated to a thorough shaking. The "DJ" (a person with a laptop and an apptitude for lipreading), was playing music much louder than the American Medical Association recommends, but fully conforming to the National Confederacy of Clubs' required 85% bass–15% treble mix. While this is not good for one's prospects of hearing without an electronic aid beyond the age of 40, it is very good at curing constipation, as the long bathroom lines attested. And if the vibrations in the air were not enough to shake that chicken-fried steak and chili cheese fries loose, leaning against a railing or wall most certainly would. Some people even seemed to be spitting out fillings and crowns.

Following are some of my favorite cellphone pics from the joyous occasion.

Pic number one is of the unnamed former supermodel herself, raising a hand and a glass. The vantage point may appear as though I was seated when shooting this, but in fact, I was standing on my tiptoes. She and all her model friends in attendance, were well above average height. It was not unlike being in a room full of telephone poles with wigs. Georgeous telephone poles, granted, from what I could see from the ground.

The lighting was not conducive to photography, but every now and then a flash from the strobes would hit at the right time and I'd get something. Here is a pic of a bunch of her model friends, many of whom you've seen in magazines, sitting behind $35 bottles of vodka for which they likely paid around a grand each. Near as I could tell, they sat most of the time for fear of their arms or legs snapping off.

Here, the unnamed model fends off the advances of a male specimen of mating age. Damn, she's good. Her model pal behind her is leaning against a railing, preparing for her next visit to the restroom.







The VIP section is in a raised area overlooking the commoners, as well it should be. There were thousands of crystal balls hanging from the ceiling that catch the strobes in a most mind-bending way. Or perhaps it was just the effects of the $1000 vodka.

Overall, we were there for around 30 minutes before fighting our way toward the door and being squirted out onto the street like watermelon seeds. As we left, I cautioned the peasants still eagerly waiting in line that it might not be all it's cracked up to be, but they did not seem to heed my warning.

After so much fabulousness, I was happy to hop into a cab and head back to my bat cave. It may be months before I leave the house again.