Redemption of a Movie Star

I'm not a big fan of Nicholas Cage in the movies but after seeing this compilation of Japanese Pachinko commercials, he is maybe my favorite person in the world.

Choose Your Weapon

Bizarro is brought to you today by Kitchen Accessories.

I think knives are scary looking. Every time I pick up a giant kitchen knife, I shudder a bit at the thought of it cutting me or what it could potentially do to someone. If I had to defend myself against an intruder, I'd much rather use a gun than have to use a knife. Even if I was under attack and afraid for my life, I think it would disgust me to have to stab my assailant. Yuck.

A gun is so much cleaner, in the sense that you only have to point it and twitch one finger. Clearly, the cleanup afterward is not much different, but the act itself is less disgusting. Of course, having to kill anyone for any reason would be psychologically difficult and disgusting in its own way, but if you're fighting for your life, whatyagonnado?

Here's hoping that neither I, nor any of you readers ever have to defend ourselves against an attacker of any kind, and if we do, we are armed with a Taser so we can just point, click, and call the police.

Monkey Covers

Sunday is Monkey Covers day here at YACB. Because there's nothing better than a comic with a monkey on the cover!

That's a gorilla serving tea on the cover to Fix und Foxi vol. 19 #15 (1972).

(Standard disclaimer about tea-serving gorillas not really being monkeys applies.)


Image courtesy of the GCD. Click on the image for a larger version.

Monsters Ink

(Click this image to make it big, clear and magically delicious)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Oh Migosh.

The thing I like most about this cartoon is the illustration of the monster. I think that frame makes the cartoon worthwhile – if I'd "phoned in" some crappy, average-looking monster behind a bush it would have fallen flat. Sometimes a gag stands on its own no matter how it is drawn, sometimes the drawing makes the gag.

I'm not big on monster movies, but when I do watch one, nothing takes me out of the moment faster than a bad monster. But sometimes the monster is so bad it becomes good again. You're no longer enjoying the movie for the reasons it was made, but you're still enjoying it.

The film for which the following trailer was made looks stellar.



And this film would be priceless even if the monster were not a mutant from Sesame Street.

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this afternoon. All the previous caveats apply.


1 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
2 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
3 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
4 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid
5 (R). Dilbert 2.0: 20 Years of Dilbert
6 (+6). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
7 (-). Dilbert: 2010 Day-to-Day Calendar
8 (-3). The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb
9 (+23). The Complete Far Side 1980-1994
10 (-4). Logicomix: An Epic Search for Truth
11 (-2). The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks
12 (-2). Warriors: Ravenpaw's Path #1: Shattered Peace
13 (-5). Watchmen
14 (+6). Marvel Encyclopedia
15 (+25). Dark Tower: Treachery
16 (R). Wolverine: Old Man Logan
17 (-3). Bloom County Complete Library Volume 1
18 (-1). Predators and Prey (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Vol. 5)
19 (N). Batman: Battle for the Cowl
20 (-1). Simon's Cat
21 (+8). Absolute Justice
22 (-11). Green Lantern: Agent Orange
23 (N). Hank Ketcham's Complete Dennis the Menace 1957-1958 (Vol. 4)
24 (N). Dark Tower: The Gunslinger Born
25 (-). Batman: The Killing Joke
26 (+8). Asterios Polyp
27 (-5). V for Vendetta
28 (+12). Bone: The Complete Cartoon Epic in One Volume
29 (-2). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
30 (R). Absolute Death
31 (-8). Scientific Progress Goes 'Boink': A Calvin and Hobbes Collection
32 (-3). Batman: Arkham Asylum (15th Anniversary Edition)
33 (R). The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes
34 (-8). Tales from the Crypt #8: Diary of a Stinky Dead Kid
35 (R). The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
36 (+12). Time of Your Life (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 8, Vol. 4) *
37 (R). The Walking Dead, Vol. 10: What We Become
38 (R). Dark Tower: The Long Road Home (Exclusive Amazon.com Cover)
39 (R). Final Crisis
40 (R). Stitches: A Memoir
41 (N). The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book
42 (-7). Batman: Year One
43 (R). Mouse Guard Volume 2: Winter 1152
44 (R). Batman: Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader?
45 (N). Dark Avengers/Uncanny X-Men: Utopia *
46 (R). Celebrating Peanuts: 60 Years
47 (-31). Charles Darwin's On the Origin of Species: A Graphic Adaptation
48 (N). Green Lantern Corps: Emerald Eclipse
49 (R). Batman: R.I.P.
50 (-). The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The Black Dossier

Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.

N = New listing appearing on list for first time
R = Item returning to the list after having been off for 1 or more weeks


Commentary:

* As we move into the holiday season, expect to see this list take a slightly different form than the rest of the year. In particular, big-ticket deep-discounted items will feature heavily, especially those of strip collections.

* Highest debut belongs to Tony Daniel's Batman: Battle for the Cowl; unsurprising, as most new Batman collections make an appearance on the list.

* Marvel does especially well this week, mostly due to the strong showing of their Dark Tower collections.

Thanks for Giving

Bizarro is brought to you today by Super-Sized Heroes.
If you're reading this blog, you've made it through another American Thanksgiving. Since many of my readers are outside of the U.S., however, I thought I'd explain what yesterday was all about.

We call the holiday "Thanksgiving" because it is based on a myth about early European settlers in America wherein the punch line is that they "give thanks." The story goes that a boatload of religious freaks who were run out of their homeland for pestering people with their intense self-loathing and superstitious nonsense, landed on this continent and built some cabins or whatever. The local inhabitants were all like, "Whatever, it's cool, there's plenty of space and resources for everyone. Just don't be douches about it."

When winter came, they all nearly froze and starved and the local natives felt sorry for them and helped them out. Then, when spring came, they decided to celebrate their survival with a modest meal with their kind benefactors, but it took them all the way until the next autumn to get around to doing it for some reason.

But then later the religious freaks did, in fact, become douches, as religious freaks almost always most certainly will, and they killed off almost all of the natives on the continent so they could steal their land and get rich and celebrate their "good fortune" each and every year for centuries to come. And what better way to celebrate such a humble story of survival and compassion than with a gut-gorging, bacchanalian orgy of fat- and cholesterol-injecting, artery-clogging, cardiac-inducing, gluttony? Millions of innocent birds are genetically modified, incarcerated, and brutally butchered to celebrate a handful of oatmeal salesman's good fortune 400 years ago. Sure. Of course.

For my foreign readers, the typical American Thanksgiving Day goes something like this:
Kids awaken and watch a parade on TV with gigantic balloon characters (representing products you can buy) floating above an alarmingly overweight crowd of Americans. Females are in the kitchen preparing far more food than their family and guests can possibly eat safely, males are watching football on TV. Food is served, large table full of already overweight people eat enough food to embarrass Henry VIII, family members argue, men nap, women clean and wrap leftovers, America increases its lead as fattest nation in the world.

You would think this would be scheduled for a Friday, to give people two days to heave, medicate, and sober up before having to go back to work, but instead, it is on a Thursday, forcing many uncomfortably flatulent and hungover Americans to suffer through another day of work before the weekend. Historians believe this is a remnant of the "self-loathing" part of the original oatmeal salesmen who started all of this.

Those who do not have to work on Friday, go to stores to make the gluttony and conspicuous consumption of Thanksgiving look like child's play compared to the supernatural uber-consumerism that will take place for the next solid month in honor of the birth of a Jewish magician two millennia ago.

I hope you found this brief historical account both entertaining and enlightening. Please direct your complaints to the comments section below. Happy holidays. : )

Holiday Travel Tips

Bizarro is brought to you today by Holiday Travel.

I stopped traveling during the holidays many years ago and it has improved my life immensely. If you're driving and you don't have far to go, you may have a little traffic to contend with and that's not such a big deal. But if you've got to fly, you may as well be playing Russian roulette.

Any time a person flies these days, they're taking a big risk of being annoyed to death, but statistics show that during the three main U.S. holidays – Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the Festival of Saint Pancreas – the risk increases 287%.

Last year alone, 23,507 passengers were annoyed to death in the United States during the holidays, compared with 18,761 in the previous year. This year, only one day into the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, officials report that over 2900 fatalities by annoyance have already occurred. With weather delays common this time of year and Sarah Palin's face in regular rotation on news channels typically shown in airports, thousands more are expected.

Mental health officials are recommending this year that if you don't have to travel for the holidays (i.e. sick relatives, on the lam, being written out of a substantial will) stay home and celebrate with local friends. And if you must travel by air, stay inebriated.

No Contest Today

Happy Thanksgiving!

We here at YACB wish you a Happy Thanksgiving!

(Cover to Funny Stuff #29 by Otto Feuer courtesy of the GCD.)

Pumped up Pigeon

Bizarro is brought to your attention here today by Major League Baseball.

I am not proud of this, but in my late teens and early adulthood, I found the idea of becoming a bodybuilder appealing. It was part and parcel of the inherent masculine insecurity of my youth and I suppose I figured if I was built like Arnold Schwarzenheimer, people would know I was tough.

Now when I look at those big bumpy people, I am both repulsed by the malformation of their bodies and impressed by how much time they've spent lifting heavy things instead of doing something intellectually or creatively stimulating. Some get so big I begin to wonder if they can still wipe their own butts or reach a computer keyboard with both hands.

Of course, there is a difference between people who build their bodies for competition and people who go crazy and turn into balloon animals. I think guys (and gals) like that have a similar body image distortion problem as anorexics and plastic surgery addicts.

I enjoy exercise and sports, always have, so I've spent a fair amount of time in gyms over the years, but the thought of doing so 6 or 8 hours a day for years sounds like a prison sentence. In fact, that's pretty much a lot of prisoners actually do all day, but at least they're getting free room and board.

I don't mean to be overly judgmental, body building isn't for me but that doesn't make it wrong or worthless. I have a couple of friends who are vegan bodybuilders and they're both great guys. They enjoy bodybuilding and they're animal rights types, so they use their sport to show that one does not need animal protein or steroids to become strong and bumpy. Cheers to them.

They also still look human, which is a big plus in my book.

Bigger Better Beastly

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Magic of Sculpture.

Again, for some reason that is probably no more exciting than coincidence, here is a cartoon about fighting.

But it's not really about fighting. I got this idea from watching a basketball game on TV. As baggy pants became a fashion trend among ghetto thugs and then suburban mall rats, the NBA went to increasingly bigger shorts, and other levels of basketball followed. The small shorts of the 70s look ridiculous to us now, but they were that size because they didn't restrict the player's movement. I doubt the same can be said for the shorts of today, it looks like guys playing basketball in dresses. Once they start sweating, they're playing in wet dresses. Charming.

I would think that if one player suddenly decided to wear a uniform that fit, he'd be able to outmaneuver the other guys in their 1920s ladies swimsuits, win games, and the trend would reverse. If it were all about function, as most sports clothing is, their uniforms would resemble that of a cyclist. But would the egos of the NBA be caught dead in bike shorts? I wonder.

So here is a cartoon featuring boxers with huge, over-sized equipment and shorts, and don't they look cool? Can't wait to see them wield those gloves.

ANSWERS TO YOUR COMMENTS!

THIS IS A SPECIAL POSTING ABOUT ELVIS AND MIXED MARTIAL ARTS. A FEW MINUTES AFTER I POST THIS, I'LL DO MY REGULAR CARTOON POSTING:

I got a number of comments about these two subjects which I wanted to address, so rather than hide them in the comments section where the people they are aimed at may never see them, I'm putting them in this EDICION ESPECIAL posting.

Yes, I learned about Elvis's fascination with Holy Grail from the recent Python documentary. Great show, by the way, catch it if you can.

Some say dogs and dolphins fight for fun. I actually don't know anything about that behavior in dolphins and I'm too lazy to look it up, but when dogs rough-house, it isn't really fighting. When I say "fighting" I'm talking about inflicting pain, injury and occasional death for fun. Dogs don't do that, as far as I'm aware.

Someone mentioned that chimps do this and I don't doubt it. Chimps are among our closest relatives (I think only gorillas are closer DNA-wise?) and exhibit some of the same abhorrent behavior as we do. Someday there may be two species of dangerous, mutant apes on the planet. If we don't kill them all first. (which, of course, we would)

I didn't mean to criticize the existence of Mixed Martial Arts or demean the abilities of the participants. I have no doubt that it takes an incredible amount of training and discipline to reach the highest levels. I can appreciate it and could even potentially become a fan, but while violence within a sport is something I can stomach, I'm a little too squeamish when violence is the point of the sport. Just a personal preference thing, not a judgmental thing.

Regarding the existence of these sports, I think they perform an invaluable service to society. Given that humans are by nature violent, mutant apes, if we didn't employ vicarious ways to express our violent urges I suspect it would lead to even more war and violent crime. Perhaps this is one reason that sports have existed as long as human societies have. When given the choice of leaving home to shoot real people or sitting in your beanbag chair with a sixpack of Bud watching people fight in a cage, most people will choose the beanbag. Without that choice, men will go out and break things.

Which reminds me, most of this problem with human violence resides in males, not females. Although some women are in touch with their violent side. (Sarah Palin)

Someone questioned my comment that humans have no natural weapons like fangs, claws, etc., by saying "what about our minds?" I understand your point but it I don't think it is really the same thing. Until we developed our current brain powers, humans weren't particularly good at "out-thinking" stronger, faster animals. That happened after we developed language and thus, the ability to plan and cooperate, which occurred relatively recently in our history. Just my opinion based on something I probably heard on Jeopardy, I'm not an anthropologist.

Caged

Bizarro is brought to you today by Bunnies.

I've never watched an entire cage match, only a minute or so. I find it fascinating like a car wreck: can't not look but then wish I hadn't. I'm not talking about the phony-baloney wrestling cage events, I'm talking about these Ultimate Fighter competitions, in which two guys literally beat the crap out of each other until somebody gives up or dies.

Humans are such a contradictory species. Without any natural fighting weapons – fangs, claws, stinger, venom, strength – we are still the single-most violent animal on the planet. We're the only one that fights for entertainment, for things we want but don't need, over control of the TV channel changer.

But even though I have an elitist/pacifist attitude toward violence, I admit I'm still attracted to it. My favorite sport is hockey and I enjoy reading or watching shoot'em-up stories about good guys blowing away bad guys. But I think a part of controlling our violent nature is to realize it is part of our nature. I've always found it easier to behave ethically if I recognize my ability to behave unethically. I wouldn't take a job as a college professor, for instance, because I prefer to remain faithful to my wife.

When I see these "cage fighters," I often wonder what kinds of horrifying places they must have come from to have honed these kinds of skills to such a high level. (Same with Dick Cheney.) It's probably good to toss them in a cage and let them duke it out where they can't hurt anyone else. In fact, I'm thinking of bringing a cage home for the holidays.

BEEN GONE FOR DAYS

Thanks for your patience, I've been locked out of my blog since Wednesday night because of a password glitch but now have solved it.

Barring further weirdness, I should be posting more-or-less daily again.

Monkey Covers

Sunday is Monkey Covers day here at YACB. Because there's nothing better than a comic with a monkey on the cover!

Remember: never fall asleep at your desk while holding a gun; there may be a thieving monkey in the room, as on the cover of Super Detective Library #134 (1959).


Image courtesy of the GCD. Click on the image for a larger version.

A King is Born

Bizarro is brought to you today by Menage a Trois.

I've always been fascinated by the Elvis phenomenon, not because I am a "fan" per se, but because he epitomizes the mythical American dream.

A poor, relatively uneducated backwater goon with nothing more than good looks, a voice, and a talent for musical interpretation (as opposed to songwriting or musicianship) becomes one of the richest and most influential celebrities of modern times. (Sinatra would fall into this same category, of course.)

As reported by those who knew him personally, he was also more than a shade on the lunatic side. And although the prosecution of the "hippie drug culture" was one of his passions (he asked Nixon to make him a "Federal Agent at Large" with the intent of infiltrating "hippie groups" and busting them) he died of a drug overdose. Conversely, The Beatles, whom he derided for their drug use and anti-American sentiment (huh?) have not.

In spite of what some people (me) would consider to be a veritable treasury of unappealing traits and a relatively small window of actual talent (though his talent for singing was truly great, that's pretty much all the guy could do) he is perhaps the most widely impersonated person in the world. Hordes of people have even elevated him to deity status.

I'm a fan of some of his work, many of his early hits are amazing, but not a fan of the man. Still, I once had a small breakfast room in my house dedicated to Elvis, with statues, murals, photos, and various bright colors on the walls and ceiling. All for camp value, of course, but I eventually got tired of explaining to visitors that I was not "one of those Elvis nuts." Well, I was (and am) but for different reasons.

I'm still a little obsessed with the weirdness of Elvis, as evidenced by the photo at left. CHNW and I were married by an Elvis impersonator in Las Vegas and it was the most entertaining wedding I've ever been to, by far. And not at all because it was ours. Personally, I think marriage ceremonies are just about as campy as Elvis, so why not vamp it up? Thankfully, it was the 1950s Elvis, not the fat, BeDazzled Elvis of the 70s.

One thing I learned recently that is firmly in Elvis's favor is that he was a huge fan of Monty Python and watched "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" repeatedly. This surprises me, I always imagined Elvis would have had a George-Bush-style sense of humor: corny, simple, slapstick, crude. I guess I misunderestimated him.

So here is my cartoon parody of the famous "Elvis has left the building" story. Hope you got a chuckle.

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this morning. All the previous caveats apply.


1 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
2 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
3 (+1). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
4 (+1). Diary of a Wimpy Kid
5 (-2). The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb
6 (+1). Logicomix: An Epic Search for Truth
7 (+3). Dilbert: 2010 Day-to-Day Calendar
8 (+3). Watchmen
9 (-3). The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks
10 (-2). Warriors: Ravenpaw's Path #1: Shattered Peace *
11 (+11). Green Lantern: Agent Orange
12 (-). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
13 (+3). Stitches: A Memoir
14 (-1). Bloom County Complete Library Volume 1
15 (-). The Complete Peanuts 1971-1974 Box Set
16 (N). Charles Darwin's On the Origin of Species: A Graphic Adaptation
17 (-3). Predators and Prey (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Vol. 5)
18 (-9). Tumor Chapter 1 (kindle)
19 (-1). Simon's Cat
20 (+6). Marvel Encyclopedia
21 (+6). The Arrival
22 (-2). V for Vendetta
23 (+9). Scientific Progress Goes 'Boink': A Calvin and Hobbes Collection
24 (+19). 14 Years of Loyal Service in a Fabric-Covered Box: A Dilbert Book
25 (-). Batman: The Killing Joke
26 (-5). Tales from the Crypt #8: Diary of a Stinky Dead Kid
27 (-4). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
28 (-11). Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History
29 (-). Batman: Arkham Asylum (15th Anniversary Edition)
30 (R). The Best American Comics 2009
31 (N). Dilbert: 2010 Wall Calendar
32 (R). The Complete Far Side 1980-1994
33 (N). Absolute Justice
34 (R). Asterios Polyp
35 (R). Batman: Year One
36 (R). The Complete Persepolis
37 (N). Escape from Dullsville *
38 (N). Bone Volume 2: The Great Cow Race
39 (N). Dark Tower: Treachery
40 (-16). Bone: The Complete Cartoon Epic in One Volume
41 (+9). Bone Volume 1: Out From Boneville
42 (R). Ignorance, Thy Name Is Bucky: A Get Fuzzy Collection
43 (N). Garfield Will Eat for Food: His 48th Book
44 (R). Fables Vol. 12: The Dark Ages
45 (R). The TOON Treasury of Classic Children's Comics
46 (R). The Long Way Home (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 8, Vol. 1)
47 (R). Maximum Ride: The Manga, Vol. 2
48 (R). Time of Your Life (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 8, Vol. 4) *
49 (R). Warriors: Tigerstar and Sasha #3: Return to the Clans
50 (R). The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The Black Dossier

Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.

N = New listing appearing on list for first time
R = Item returning to the list after having been off for 1 or more weeks


Commentary:

* The Four Wimpy Kid volumes are back together on top of the list. Expect to see them entrenched there for a while, unless the new printing of Crumb's Genesis gives it another spike.

* I suspect that the recent interest in strip collections is due to the upcoming holiday gift giving season.

* The highest debut belongs to Charles Darwin's On the Origin of Species: A Graphic Adaptation, a comic I didn't even know existed until I saw it on the chart. Score another win for the secret comic book economy.

* The bottom part of the chart is almost completely different from last week; eighteen of the last twenty items are either new or returning after an absence.

* I'm pleased to see The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The Black Dossier sneak back on to the list; no doubt due to increased interest caused by the recent censorship controversy.

WE HAS WINNERS

Thanks to everyone for playing my goofy little game. Hope you had fun.

This week's winners are:

1. Dan Pierson (5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards!)
2. Brain Gac (2 packs)
3. Luis (2 packs)

I'll be sending each of you an email to tell you how to collect your dandy prizes. Below is a list of correct answers, if you're the sort to compare. Click it to magnify.

A quick shout out to Britt S., who was the first entry but had ONE answer wrong. DANG! Sorry, Britt, you're a winner in my heart and mind.

Contest #12 is NOW!

Click on the cartoon contest image below to enlarge and play!

RULES, ETC:
As usual, the upper image is the original cartoon, the warped image beneath it has been changed. Your mission, if you are a groovy dude, chick, both or undecided is to find those differences.

1. There are 15 differences between the two cartoons.
2. NONE of the differences have to do with the warped nature of the second image.
3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion. The differences will not be too subtle, so once you spot one you should be relatively certain you've found it. (As opposed to something like, "I think that guy has one extra whisker. Hmmm.")
4. FIRST PERSON to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of the contest post wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn. I'll even lick the stamp, unless it's self adhesive. SECOND AND THIRD persons with correct answers will each get 2 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards!
5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.

Enjoy, good luck, and may dog bless! Click on the image to enlarge...

Contest #12 LATER TODAY!

Yes, my groovy homies, contest #12 is later today! Go tell it on the mountain.

Here are the rules, which I'll post again with the actual contest. This just gives you a leg up on the competition.

Click the image below to make it huger enough to read.

















Hope to see you then.

Hatred Holidays

Bizarro is brought to you today by Here Come The Holidays.

I'm not one of those people who complain about seeing Santa and hearing Xmas songs before Thanksgiving. I tend to complain that I have to endure these things at all, any time of year, because I truly despise the ugly, crass, festival of insincerity that Xmas has become. This is a holiday that should be celebrated quietly at home, if at all, and those of us who do not celebrate it should not even notice its passing. Like Yom Kippur.

That's the way it was before Washington Irving decided to make up a lot of holiday traditions and promote the idea that Xmas should be a big, noisy, tacky whoop-de-doo. Stores caught onto the idea and helped it along and before you know it, most Americans were celebrating Xmas with gifts and songs and decorations as if it were an ancient tradition.

I'm sure things were more-or-less within reason in those early days, but like everything else modern-day America touches, it is now a ghastly commercial orgy that assaults the eyes and ears of everyone within 500 miles of its borders. I even saw giant Xmas decorations at a department store in a Buddhist country in Asia back in 2000. Apparently you have to go to Iran to escape elves and flying reindeer.

So I say, "Pull that trigger, Mr. Pilgrim, and bury the evidence before it gets out of hand. You have no idea what you're in for."

Yes, I know I'm a huge pain-in-the-ass Grinch/Scrooge about this. All my friends and family gleefully celebrate Xmas while I sit quietly at home without decorations and with the TV mute on, lest I accidentally subject myself to the sound of jingling bells during a Best Buy commercial. (Just typing that made my skin crawl.)

How did I get this way? I have no idea. I enjoyed it as a kid – Santa, toys, the food, the tree, the TV specials, the songs, mom bringing home sailors on holiday leave and making me wait in a box in the basement, the lights and decorations. But as an adult, year by year, I became increasingly uncomfortable with it until I finally snapped like a dry holly branch under the hoof of a plummeting reindeer and declared myself the archenemy of all things Xmas. Self indulgent hypocrisy has always turned my stomach and modern American Xmas is the blaring, screeching, glittering, multi-billion-dollar embodiment of it. To my mind, anyway.

Here's hoping you all have a nice holiday season, please keep the noise down.

A Resounding Yes

Bizarro is brought to you today by Affordable Toupees.

People often ask me if I draw cartoons based on my own experiences. The answer is a resounding, "YES!"

If I had a nickel for every time a woodland creature had warned me about another woodland creature, I'd have $953.72. (Three-fifths of one of the woodland creatures was missing, so I didn't take a full nickel.)

But seriously, folks, illegal drugs are no laughing matter. Many are potentially harmful to your physical and/or mental health, some are even as bad as prescription drugs. So do what the talking squirrel does when he is offered illicit substances of recreational repute: Squeak, bite, and run!

This has been a public service announcement from the United States Department of Career Guidance.

NOTE: Want to look as suave as the dude in this cartoon? Click here for the official Bizarro Icon Line of high-quality schwag!*

*A large percentage of all profits goes to debt collectors. Makes excellent gifts.

Phoebe Gloeckner - Thursday

Artist/Cartoonist/Professor Phoebe Gloeckner will be the featured speaker at the Penny Stamps Lecture Series this Thursday, 5pm at the Michigan Theater in downtown Ann Arbor.

If like me you are unable to attend (I have a prior commitment at the Serious Games Expo), the Penny Stamps lectures are available via podcast a few days after they occur.

Huck It

Bizarro is brought to you today by The N Word.

The first time I read "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" and "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn," it was at the behest of a cranky and unforgiving woman named Amanda Benchwhite, my tenth grade English teacher. There was some controversy at the time about this book being used in public schools because of the recurrence of a little thing we now call the "N-word."

But as much as I disliked this particular teacher, she did manage to use this book as a terrific discussion tool about the history of racism in the U.S. This was particularly challenging because our class was roughly half black and half white, so there was no shortage of disparate opinions and potential for conflict. And yet, we came through with a better understanding of each other as a result of discussing the "elephant in the room," instead of pretending it didn't exist.

No, seriously, we had a kid as big as an elephant in that class. I'm not talking about a guy who was six-feet-tall and overweight, I'm talking about a guy who was 12-feet-tall on all fours and weighed several tons. The janitor had to follow him around with a big shovel and a bag of sawdust just to deal with his waste. As if this wasn't distracting enough, he had an incredibly long nose through which he would occasionally let out a deafening trumpeting sound. Oh yes, and it was prehensile. He could pick things up with his nose! No sh*t.

Try reading Twain and grappling with racial tension with that kind of thing going on in the middle of the room. Nigga, please!

New Library Comics: September 2009

Here's a list of the comics we added to our library collection in September:


Action comics. no. 446 / New York, N.Y. : Detective Comics, Inc., 1938-1988

Adams, Neal, 1941- Megalith no. 1 / New York : Continuity Publishing, 1993-1994

Adams, Scott, 1957- Fugitive from the cubicle police / Kansas City, Mo. : Andrews and McMeel, c1996

Adams, Scott, 1957- It's obvious you won't survive by your wits alone / Kansas City : Andrews and McMeel, c1995

Adams, Scott, 1957- Journey to Cubeville / Kansas City, Mo. : Andrews McMeel Pub., c1998

Adams, Scott, 1957- Seven years of highly defective people : Scott Adams' guided tour of the evolution of Dilbert / Kansas City, Mo. : Andrews McMeel, c1997

Amaya, Shane L. Horns of Hattin / Santa Barbara, CA : Terra Major, 2004

Aragonés, Sergio, 1937- Bat Lash. Guns and roses / New York, NY : DC Comics, c2008

Barr, Mike W. Mantra no. 1 / Westlake Village, Calif. : Malibu Comics Entertainment, 1993-1995

The brave and the bold. nos. 123, 132 / Sparta, Ill. : National Comics Publications, 1955-1983

Cannon, Zander. The replacement god no. 4 / San Jose, CA : Amaze Ink, 1995-

Cosby, Andrew. Enigma cipher / Los Angeles, CA : Boom! Studios, 2008

Farr, Naunerle C. The hunchback of Notre Dame / New York : Marvel Comics Group, 1976

Gerber, Steve, 1947-2008. Foolkiller no. 7 / New York, NY : Marvel Comics, 1990-1991

Gotsubo, Masaru. Samurai champloo vols. 1-2 / Los Angeles, CA : Tokyopop, c2005-

Hedgecock, David. A different pace / San Diego, Calif. : Ape Entertainment, c2004

Hugleikur Dagsson, 1977- Is this some kind of joke? / London : Michael Joseph, 2008

Kōga, Yun, 1965- Earthian no. 2 / [S.l.] : Blu, 2005-

McCay, Winsor. Dream of the rarebit fiend : the Saturdays / West Carrollton, Ohio : Checker Book Pub. Group, c2006

Miller, Frank, 1957- Give me liberty : an American dream no. 1 / Milwaukie, OR : Dark Horse Comics, 1990-1991

Mireault, Bernie. The jam no. 7 / San Jose, CA : Slave Labor Graphics, 1989-1997

Nicholson, Jeff. Lost laughter no. 3 / Chico, CA : Bad Habit, c1993-1994

Perez, Omaha. Bodhisattva / Redondo Beach, CA : OPP/Omaha Perez Productions, c2003

Peters, Matt. Rex Steele : Nazi smasher / New York : Monkeysuit Press, 2004

Rosenberg, Jonathan. Infinite typewriters / New York : Del Rey/Ballantine Books, c2009.

Sibylline, 1978- First time / New York : Eurotica, 2009

Tinkle digest. nos. 2,4,6,8,10,12,30,32,34,37,45,48,52,82,94-98,103-104,107-110,114,116,118,120,126,128,130,132,134,136-140,150,156-157,167,170,172,178-182,209 / Bombay : H.G. Mirchandani for India Book House, [1992?]-

Wood, Brian, 1972- The tourist / Berkeley, Calif. : Image Comics, 2006

Wood, Teri S. Wandering star nos. 8, 10-11, 19 / El Centro, Calif. : Pen & Ink Comics, 1993-1997


As always, this listing is available as an RSS Feed.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

Bizarro is brought to you today by Impatience.

Here is a cartoon about a really big cigarette.

In other news, the weather in NYC was not hideously cold and wet yesterday, so I went for a ride on my motorcycle. My biggest complaint about where I live is that the winters are too cold, too long, and take all of the fun out of this, one of my three favorite activities. (The other two being playing my guitar and making the sexy time with the womens.)

Besides the three mentioned above, another fun thing to do is to open an envelope and find you have somehow received a huge sum of money, tax-free and no strings attached. This has never happened to me, but I can easily imagine the fun that would be associated with it.

Something much less fun – in fact, the opposite of fun – would be to open an envelope and find that you owe a large sum of money and there is no way out of it. That has happened to me on a few occasions and it sucks. In fact, the sucking can be heard for miles around.

I must get back to my inking now. Today I am drawing cartoons for the week of December 7, one of which includes a platypus.

Until my next entry, please enjoy this picture of Jason Trachtenburg, of the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players, one of my favorite strange stage acts. I took this photo with my phone in NYC on Thursday night. Even though Jason looks like he's walking, he was actually posing. He is a very quirky cat and a new friend of mine.

Monkey Covers

Sunday is Monkey Covers day here at YACB. Because there's nothing better than a comic with a monkey on the cover!

Detective Chimp laments his own passing on Steve Scott & Wayne Faucher's cover to Shadowpact #5 (2006).

(Standard disclaimer about not-dead talking chimpanzees not really being monkeys applies.)


Image courtesy of the GCD. Click on the image for a larger version.

Moon Water

(For a clear and big look at this cartoon, click the bear's invisible spaceship.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by the NRA.

It may seem an odd coincidence that this cartoon about a bear not finding salmon on the moon appeared in papers just days before NASA announced they had found water on the moon. But in truth, I knew about the water on the moon ahead of time because I put it there. CHNW and I get water delivered to our place in Brooklyn and they brought too much one month, cluttering up the hallway just outside our door. So I stored a bunch of them on the moon to get them out of the way. I probably shouldn't have done it, but I figured no one ever uses the moon anyway, who's going to know?

I wonder how long it will be before they discover a mountain bike and some old record albums on the moon?

Raising or Selling Your Offspring

Bizarro is brought to you today by DO NOT CLICK THIS!

I'm no expert on child rearing, but I raised two daughters to adulthood without a single unwanted pregnancy or brush with the law. Both are well-adjusted adults in long-term relationships and claim to be happy, so I must have done a decent job.

But no matter how well you do with your kids, at some point they will end up needing therapy. This cartoon is a simple, albeit surreal acknowledgment of that fact.

But the inevitable screwing-up of your kids despite your best efforts does not mean you shouldn't at least try to do your best, or raise them the way the Dahmers raised Jeffrey.

If you want kids like mine (because those are the only ones I know how to produce), follow these simple guidelines:

1. Make sure they know you love them, even when they screw up.

2. Make sure they know their life is their own not yours– if they succeed, the trophy has their name on it, not yours. If they mess up, the mugshot is of them, not you.

3. Don't lie to them. If you tell them that marijuana is as dangerous as crystal meth, they'll eventually figure out that isn't true and discard everything you ever told them. If you act all high and mighty about sex and they find out you lost your virginity at 17, you're sunk.

4. Give them knowledge, then trust them to use it to make their own decisions. Knowledge never hurt anyone who wasn't already going to find a way to get into trouble anyway. Tell them the truth about sex, drugs, politics, religion, history, and then tell them those are just your opinions and you're as fallible as the next guy. In the end, they'll have to weigh that info against their own experiences and make up their own minds.

5. Don't be a hypocritical simple-minded nitwit. Your kids are more likely to be like you than anyone else on the planet. Be the person you want your kids to be.

6. Treat your kid with respect, the way you would want their spouse to treat them one day. If you treat them well, they'll expect that from their friends and lovers. If a guy tries to treat your daughter poorly and she's not used to that at home, she'll kick him to the curb.

7. If all of the above doesn't work and your kid is still a complete jackass, always in trouble, torturing small animals in the basement and stealing from your neighbors, sell him or her to the black market organ trade and get some of your money back. Someone who might contribute positively to society could benefit from a new liver or kidney.

That's all I know, keep in mind I'm not an expert, only a cartoonist. Your results may vary.

Contest #11 WINNNERRRR!!!

Wow, what an exciting 24 hours it has been! Yesterday, inexplicably, my blog started going all screwy on me and people were having trouble viewing it. I managed to post the contest at 4pm NYC time, but could not actually view the page myself. I sent a note to Blogger Help about it, but you know how that can be sometimes. This morning, they sent me an answer and I fixed it. Whew!

Because of this evil act of malice perpetrated by unseen forces of darkness, many contestants had trouble viewing the contest. Please accept my apologies. But I guess some did not, because there were still enough entries to find winners. Here they be:

International Grand Prize Winner!!!!....Philip Crow (dude, I need your email address)
Second Prize Winner!!!...Ron Rounds
Third Prize Winner!!..Spyra

A few contestants got their answers in early enough to win, but did not list the "taller cactus" as one of the differences. Many contestants listed that one last, which tells me it was the hardest to spot. Fascinating. (I am touching my chin and nodding thoughtfully)

Many thanks and congrats to all who played, won, lost, loved, lived. You are what keeps me getting out of bed in the morning! (Or afternoon, depending)

Winning Answers:
1. kemosabe into kemosake
2. cowboy hat turned upside
3. conan o'brien
4. toucan on witch
5. floor pie switched
6. lone to love
7. monkey head into weird head
8. horse has pipe
9. dynamite moved positions
10. different amount of brown on right horse
11. arrow in Indian
12. buck teeth on right horse
13. different date on bottom right
14. dorothy has different colored ribbons
15. cactus is taller

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this morning. All the previous caveats apply.


1 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
2 (+1). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
3 (-1). The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb
4 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
5 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid
6 (-). The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks
7 (+1). Logicomix: An Epic Search for Truth
8 (+36). Warriors: Ravenpaw's Path #1: Shattered Peace *
9 (+39). Tumor Chapter 1 (kindle)
10 (+1). Dilbert: 2010 Day-to-Day Calendar
11 (-3). Watchmen
12 (+6). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
13 (-4). Bloom County Complete Library Volume 1
14 (-1). Predators and Prey (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Vol. 5)
15 (+2). The Complete Peanuts 1971-1974 Box Set
16 (-6). Stitches: A Memoir
17 (+29). Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History
18 (+23). Simon's Cat
19 (R). The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes
20 (-6). V for Vendetta
21 (-9). Tales from the Crypt #8: Diary of a Stinky Dead Kid
22 (N). Green Lantern: Agent Orange *
23 (-). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
24 (+25). Bone: The Complete Cartoon Epic in One Volume
25 (-10). Batman: The Killing Joke
26 (R). Marvel Encyclopedia
27 (-3). The Arrival
28 (R). The Walking Dead, Vol. 10: What We Become
29 (-1). Batman: Arkham Asylum (15th Anniversary Edition)
30 (R). Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
31 (-11). Masterpiece Comics
32 (+8). Scientific Progress Goes 'Boink': A Calvin and Hobbes Collection
33 (+17). Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art
34 (-4). Wolverine: Old Man Logan *
35 (-2). Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds HC
36 (N). The Walking Dead Volume 11: Fear The Hunters *
37 (N). Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons
38 (N). Celebrating Peanuts: 60 Years *
39 (N). Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 21 *
40 (-8). Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic Volume 7 - Dueling Ambitions
41 (N). Popeye Volume 4
42 (-5). Criminal (Deluxe Edition) *
43 (R). 14 Years of Loyal Service in a Fabric-Covered Box: A Dilbert Book
44 (R). Bone Volume 4: The Dragonslayer
45 (R). Dilbert 2.0: 20 Years of Dilbert
46 (-20). Vampire Knight, Vol. 8
47 (R). Halo: Uprising
48 (-10). The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
49 (N). Johnny Cash: I See a Darkness
50 (-5). Bone Volume 1: Out From Boneville

Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.

N = New listing appearing on list for first time
R = Item returning to the list after having been off for 1 or more weeks


Commentary:

* Two comics leap way up into the top ten this week: Warriors: Ravenpaw's Path #1: Shattered Peace, because it's part of the secret comic book economy; and Tumor Chapter 1 on the Kindle, I think maybe because the Tumor graphic novel is now available for pre-order and people may have been trying out the free sampler.

* Several debuts this week, led by Green Lantern: Agent Orange at #22. The GL books always seem to make a splash, but don't stick around as long as their Batman counterparts.

* I have no idea of the reason for the sudden surge of interest in Calvin & Hobbes. You know, other than it's an awesome comic strip; but why now?

CONTEST #11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Click on the cartoon contest image below to enlarge and play!

RULES, ETC:
As usual, the upper image is the original cartoon, the warped image beneath it has been changed. Your mission, if you are a groovy dude, chick, both or undecided is to find those differences.

1. There are 15 differences between the two cartoons.
2. NONE of the differences have to do with the warped nature of the second image.
3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion. The differences will not be too subtle, so once you spot one you should be relatively certain you've found it. (As opposed to something like, "I think that guy has one extra whisker. Hmmm.")
4. FIRST PERSON to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of the contest post wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn. I'll even lick the stamp, unless it's self adhesive. SECOND AND THIRD persons with correct answers will each get 2 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards!
5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.

Enjoy, good luck, and eat sensibly! Click on the image to enlarge...