Out of Many, One

Bizarro is brought to you today by Disappointing Dreams.

As a child, I was convinced of this sort of cliche image of the gates of Heaven, where your entire body is admitted to the Big Party or sent to eternal torture based on your status on an ambiguous list somewhere. The overall principle was that my passage beyond the ultimate velvet rope had nothing to do with how bad or good I was, as long as I believed in Jesus and asked forgiveness before I died. But when they weren't promoting that simple formula, which was most of the time, they were convincing me of how important it was to be good everyday or I wouldn't get into Heaven. It was confusing, but then all effective systems of mind control have an element of confusion involved, so the subject never knows exactly where they stand and never feels completely comfortable.

So if you believe in this kind of Heaven and manage to pass the ambiguous criteria, you may well run into a person missing a major organ, having received a transplant from an unbeliever.

Before the theologians among you start bombarding me with doctrine, I'm kidding. I know the basic tenets of most of the major religions and none of them include provisions for organ donor recipients or creatures pieced together from various dead bodies by mad scientists. I'm sure whoever you are and whatever you believe, it will all turn out just as you suppose once you're dead.

Friday Night Fights: Iron First vs. Steel Serpent

From Marvel Team-Up #63 (1977). Pencils by John Byrne. Inks & colors by Dave Hunt. Letters by John Costanza. Story by Chris Claremont. (click pic for larger)

Ka-Pow? Kak! Wham! Brow!

Pretentious Pug

Bizarro is brought to you today by Celebrity RVs.

I like this cartoon a lot. I'm happy with the way the drawing turned out and there's something about the simple absurdity of the joke that makes me laugh. Of course, I'm a sucker for a dog in a sweater, as long as it isn't made of animal products. (I don't understand the concept of treating your own like gold and to hell with everyone else.)

I may begin wearing an ascot and smoking a pipe, myself. Nobody does that anymore. I had an art history professor in the mid seventies who donned that gay apparel, but he may have been the last one.

My eldest daughter, Krapuzar, wore a smoking jacket and ascot in her high school senior picture, and wielded a meerschaum pipe. She cocked her eyebrow arrogantly and tilted her head in a fashion reminiscent of a pretentious author's photo from the 1920s. Very funny pic, wish I could find it to share with you.

Bilboard Romance

Bizarro has been brought to you today by Strange Lovers.

I got the idea for this cartoon from one of those public marriage proposals that you come across from time to time. As I was drawing it and trying to decide what names to use, I thought about how much fun readers have seeing their own lives, situations, names, etc., in the comics. So I did a quick Google search and picked two of the most popular names for people who are currently in their late twenties. (Popular baby names for years 1979-1983)

Anyway, as soon as the cartoon published, I got waves of email from people who knew a Mike and Jen who were getting married, recently married, dating eternally and never getting married, who wanted to get a signed print or buy the original art for a wedding gift, or what have you. I love it when I bother to think ahead and it actually works.

So congrats to Mike and Jen, wherever you are, here's hoping (all of) you have a long and happy marriage.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We here at YACB wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! Unless of course you're a turkey; in which case: RUN!


(Cover to Walt Disney's Comics and Stories #351 by Carl Barks, courtesy of the GCD.)

Jihads and Indians

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tortelli High Speed Piano Company.

I find our nation's relationship with American Indians (Native Americans, First Peoples, etc.) interesting. Before we open up the floor for discussion, here is a quick synopsis of my limited knowledge in this area:
1. Europeans steal continent and attempt to annihilate its inhabitants
2. The ones that escape death are driven into poverty
3. The descendants of these Europeans feel guilty
4. They give the descendants of these original inhabitants from whom the land was stolen the right to do something that is illegal for the rest of the population.

Step four is where it gets a bit strange. I'm not passing judgment on it, I just think it odd.

Moving on, I am all for legalizing gambling, prostitution and recreational drugs. Even though I'm not a fan of any of these leisure time activities, I think consenting adults should be allowed to do what they want as long as it doesn't hurt others. Which means you don't outlaw drinking, you outlaw drinking and driving. You don't outlaw drugs, you outlaw driving while tripping. You don't outlaw prostitution, you outlaw selling your wares without regular medical checkups, and leaving the house in hotpants that are clearly too small for your ample booty.

That being said, I don't much understand the fun of either gambling or prostitution. With gambling, I can't help seeing it as a hole in the ground that you throw your money into on the slim chance that the hole is not only not too deep to reach into and get your money back, but that there might be more money already down there. I've generally found money hard to come by in my life and giving it to someone else without much hope of any return doesn't seem fun.

Regarding prostitution, I don't understand having relations with someone who is only pretending to want to have relations with me. It makes me feel impolite, like I am inconveniencing someone else for my own selfish needs. To my mind, much of the fun of coital activity is that the other person is having a good time, too. I felt this same sort of shame when I took tennis lessons years ago – I loved playing tennis with friends, but hated hitting with a pro because I knew she was only doing it for the money and wasn't having any fun. A wealthy friend of mine once said of my views on this that I "just don't understand the master/slave relationship." Creepy. Maybe that's why he's wealthy and I'm not.

Still, I can't help but feel these things are illegal purely because of a combination of fear and religious notions. When communities do legalize these activities, they don't go up in flames any faster than the ones ruled by churchy notions. And when societies let religion dominate law, eventually all hell breaks loose.

I'd choose casinos over jihads any day. But then I'm just a fringe liberal.

(NOTE: These comments are not meant as a condemnation of personal faith but rather the practice of using religious ideas to govern.)

New Comic Days for the Holidays?

As usual, the holiday season plays havoc with the normal New Comic Wednesday dates. Based on UPS schedules and past experience, here's when I think that the new comic days will be for the next month-and-a-half:

Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Friday, January 2, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Can anyone confirm or deny these dates?

Update: According to retailer Brian Hibbs, new comics day for the first full week of January will be on Friday, January 9, 2009 (not Thursday).