Nude Diving

Bizarro is brought to you today by Moth Lingerie.

I normally blog about my cartoons a week after they have run in the paper, but I've decided to bump this one up in the queue because I've gotten a lot email about it.

The cartoon is meant to be a guy coming home from work and, seeing the trail of clothing, assumes his wife wants to have sex. Instead, she has jumped out the window, presumably to her death.

I didn't realize there would be so many ways to interpret this, but I've heard plenty. Some excerpts:

"Are they his clothes and he can't wait to put them on and then sneak out the window?"

"Is his wife some kind of naked Superwoman?"

"Is his naked wife trying to lure him to the fire escape so he'll be blown up by the TNT on the sofa?"

"There seems to be a syringe on the sofa pillow. Did his wife get high and then jump out the window naked, thinking she could fly?"

More than a few people asked about the firecracker on the sofa pillow wondering if it figured into the joke, a couple thought it was a syringe. If you are among those readers who have never noticed, I hide little symbols like that in virtually all my comics for no good reason. The current list is: Firecracker/dynamite, eyeball, pie, alien, bunny, K2, upside down bird, a man's loafer, a fish tail, a crown, and the exceedingly rare arrow in the back. The number above the signature tells you how many symbols to look for, a la Al Hirschfeld.

That should clear up the mystery. I now return you to a nation mourning the death of Michael Jackson.

Armor vs. Reebok

Today's Bizarro is brought to you be People Puppies.

When I see a movie in which ancient warriors are whacking away at each other with 15 lbs. swords, in heavy armor and skirts and sandals, I always imagine how easy it would be to defeat them if you had a pair of good, modern running shoes and a lightweight sword. While they are struggling in slow motion under the weight of their equipment, just run around behind them and stab them in the ass.

If you're now saying "But Dan, since you're traveling back in time with modern athletic shoes, why not just bring a gun, too?" shut up right now. This is my fantasy, and I want it to be at least a little bit fair. Any ape with a trigger finger can defeat pre-gun opponents if they're wielding a gun. Where's the honor in that?

If you're now saying, "But Dan, where is the honor in any fight against ancient people with whom you have no quarrel? Aren't you just trying to say, 'look how smart I am with my fast modern shoes and lighter weapon? Don't you feel silly now in all that gigantic, macho armor? Who's the tough guy now?' " didn't I just tell you to shut up?

New Library Comics: June 2009

Here are the new comics that we added to the library's collection in June:


Allred, Mike (Mike Dalton) Madman atomic comics vol. 1 / Berkeley, CA : Image Comics, c2008-

Angst : the best of norwegian comics vol. 2 / Oslo, Norway : Jippi Comics : No Comprendo Press, 2007-

Bailey, Neal. Michelle Obama. / [Vancouver, Wash.] : Bluewater Comics, [2009]

Baker, Kyle. Special forces bk. 1. Hot to death / Berkeley, Calif. : Image Comics, 2009-

Brinkley, Nell, 1886-1944. The Brinkley girls : the best of Nell Brinkley's cartoons from 1913-1940 / Seattle, Wash. : Fantagraphics, 2009.

Cauvin, Raoul, 1938- The navy blues / Canterbury, Kent : Cinebook, 2009.

Chuck D, 1960- Public Enemy vol. 1 / Naugatuck, CT : American Mule Entertainment, 2009-

Goodwin, Archie. Blazing combat / Seattle, Wash. : Fantagraphics, 2009.

Goscinny, 1926-1977. Iznogoud and the day of misrule / Canterbury, Kent : Cinebook, 2009.

Gray, Harold, 1894-1968. The complete Little Orphan Annie v. 3. And a blind man shall lead them 1929-1931 / San Diego, Calif. : IDW Pub., 2008-

Guibert, Emmanuel. The photographer / New York : First Second, 2009

Hewlett, Jamie. Tank Girl vols. 1-2 / London : Titan, 2008-

Lee, Stan, 1922- The X-Men omnibus vol. 1 / New York : Marvel, 2009-

Lee, Stan, 1922- The X-Men vol. 1 / New York : Marvel, 2009-

McLain, Karline. India's immortal comic books : gods, kings, and other heroes / Bloomington : Indiana University Press, c2009.

Mizuno, Junko, 1973- Hell babies / Tokyo : Editions Treville for Pan-Exotica, c2001.

O'Malley, Bryan Lee. Scott Pilgrim vs. the world / Portland, OR : Oni Press, 2004-

Schrag, Ariel. Likewise : the high school comic chronicles of Ariel Schrag. / New York : Simon & Schuster, 2009, c1998.

Sendelbach, Brian. Planet of beer : a Smell of Steve treasury / Milwaukie, Or. : Dark Horse, 2009.

Simon, Joe. The best of Simon and Kirby / London : Titan, 2009.

Spain (Cartoonist) Nightmare Alley / Seattle, Wash. : Fantagraphics Books, 2003.

Stanley, John, 1914-1993. Melvin Monster vol. 1 / Montréal, Québec : Drawn and Quarterly, 2009.

This is a souvenir : the songs of Spearmint and Shirley Lee. /Berkeley, Calif. : Image, 2009.

Toth, Alex. Alex Toth in Hollywood. / Brooklyn, NY : Pure Imagination, 2009.

Tyler, Carol. You'll never know : [a graphic memoir] Bk. 1. A good and decent man / Seattle, Wash. : Fantagraphics, 2009-

Urasawa, Naoki, 1960- Pluto : Urasawa x Tezuka vol. 3 / San Francisco, CA : VIZ Media, c2008-

Urosawa, Naoki, 1960- 20th century boys vol. 02 : the prophet / San Francisco, CA : Viz Media, 2009-

Usui, Yoshito, 1958- Crayon Shinchan vol. 8 / La Jolla, CA : CMX, c2008-

Wood, Wallace. Wally Wood : edge of genius. / Brooklyn, NY : Pure Imagination, 2009.



As always, this listing is available as an RSS Feed.

Twitter and Twits

Bizarro is brought to you today by Gifted Equines.

I don't Twitter yet – or Tweet, or Twit – but I'm told I should. I can't remember anything else ever sweeping the globe as quickly as this thing has. A year ago, I don't know that I'd even heard of Twitter, now I can't watch five minutes of the news without someone mentioning it. As well as millions of average nobodies like you and me, celebs, polititicians, terrorists, and who-knows-who else is Tweeting. Here's a random sample from this morning:

Demi Moore..."Ashton is playing with his Hot Wheels on the living room floor again and some of my lady friends are coming over for bridge soon!"

John McCain..."Okay, I confess, I'm a young guy hired to make McCain look hip. He's sleeping in the back seat of the limo again."

Pope Benedict XVI..."Damn, these masses are long. I get hungry. Thank God I thought to stash some bratwurst and beer in my big tall hat."

Okay, I admit that last one was made up. The pope likely is Tweeting, but I doubt any of them are about bratwurst or beer. More likely, he sends out hourly reminders for people not to use contraception or to let their women get too much authority.

Speaking of which, Sarah Palin has been batting 1000 lately. Man, what a media train wreck she is. Her "Quitters Are Losers And I'm No Loser So I'm Quitting The Governorship" speech led me to create the following image. Hope you like it. If you don't recognize the reference, watch this.

The Devil, You Say?

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pure Evil.

This cartoon resulted in a lot of emails from readers, as I suspected it would. The majority loved the cartoon because they hate Cheney, but a few folks are among the dozen-or-so Americans who still support the Dick and wrote to register their complaints.

Some people just wrote asking what this cartoon means. Apparently, there are a lot of folks who are not familiar with the expression that has become popular with some Christian teens: WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?)

This slogan is the latest in a couple thousand years of attempts at keeping youngsters out of trouble and away from sex. When you're all worked up and pulling at the buttons of your clothing, you're supposed to ask yourself, "What would Jesus do if He were here in this situation?"

Well, Michael, Jesus wouldn't be in the back seat of his Hyundai on top of Jessica from Algebra class in the first place, He'd be standing on a downtown street corner shouting at passers-by, so you're on your own.

Trying to fight teenage lust with religious guilt is like trying to stay dry in a hurricane with an umbrella. In both cases, it makes more sense to pass out the raincoats and weather the storm.

NOTE: Just for giggles, here's an image I created before the 2004 "elections."

Dragon Tease

(View this cartoon in LifesizeDragonColor! by clicking the behemoth's eyeballs with your mouse thingy.)

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Misunderstood Pets.

If you are a regular reader of my humble graphic musings, you will recognize that this is one of the rare occasions on which I have told a story in sequential form. Even more rare is the fact that it is without words, but for one minor exception. More rare still, is that when cut out of the newspaper or printed out of your computer and folded properly, it becomes a picture of Bay Watch's David Hasselhoff balancing on the dome of St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. The addition of a pink Tic Tack in just the right place, makes it looks as though he is nude.

For more about David Hasselhoff and scary reptiles, go here.

Happy and Erect Fourth!

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Phallic Police.

I'm not a doctor, but I saw one on TV. So I feel fully qualified to say that I'll bet 90% of so-called "erectile dysfunction" is caused by poor blood circulation brought on by fat in the viens caused by a crappy diet. We eat garbage and too much of it, then complain because it ruins our bodies, then drug companies design a work-around so you can have your chili cheese fries and boner, too. Until you drop dead, of course.

So instead, let's address Independence Day. I was fortunate to grow up in a less civilized place and time when it was both legal and socially acceptable to hand a grocery bag full of explosives to a child and send him outside to play. My siblings, cousins, friends and I did this each year, blowing up our toys, the local flora, items from the trash, and occasionally each other. Sure, an occasional finger or eye was sacrificed to "independence," but what good is a democracy without some wounded veterans?

As teens we graduated to bottle rocket fights, which entailed making a "gun" by attaching a handle of some kind to a piece of plastic pipe, loading a bottle rocket into the pipe, lighting it, pointing it at your opponent, and laughing as they ducked the airborne incendiary. Large groups of us would go to an industrial park or gravel pit, divide up into two armies and shoot at each other till we ran out of ammo. Casualties were anonymously deposited on their parents' front porch and most people just chalked it up to another teen lost to the cause of freedom.

Now, thanks to the godless, homosexual girlyman liberals, there are laws against explosives inside city limits and children are not allowed to leave the house without safety helmets and proof of insurance. I wonder how we expect to defend our way of life in the future if youngsters are not accustomed to working with explosives.

I never thought I'd live to see this day (with my one good eye.)