Smoke 'em if you got 'em

Bizarro is brought to you today by Impatience.

Here is a cartoon about a really big cigarette.

In other news, the weather in NYC was not hideously cold and wet yesterday, so I went for a ride on my motorcycle. My biggest complaint about where I live is that the winters are too cold, too long, and take all of the fun out of this, one of my three favorite activities. (The other two being playing my guitar and making the sexy time with the womens.)

Besides the three mentioned above, another fun thing to do is to open an envelope and find you have somehow received a huge sum of money, tax-free and no strings attached. This has never happened to me, but I can easily imagine the fun that would be associated with it.

Something much less fun – in fact, the opposite of fun – would be to open an envelope and find that you owe a large sum of money and there is no way out of it. That has happened to me on a few occasions and it sucks. In fact, the sucking can be heard for miles around.

I must get back to my inking now. Today I am drawing cartoons for the week of December 7, one of which includes a platypus.

Until my next entry, please enjoy this picture of Jason Trachtenburg, of the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players, one of my favorite strange stage acts. I took this photo with my phone in NYC on Thursday night. Even though Jason looks like he's walking, he was actually posing. He is a very quirky cat and a new friend of mine.

Monkey Covers

Sunday is Monkey Covers day here at YACB. Because there's nothing better than a comic with a monkey on the cover!

Detective Chimp laments his own passing on Steve Scott & Wayne Faucher's cover to Shadowpact #5 (2006).

(Standard disclaimer about not-dead talking chimpanzees not really being monkeys applies.)


Image courtesy of the GCD. Click on the image for a larger version.

Moon Water

(For a clear and big look at this cartoon, click the bear's invisible spaceship.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by the NRA.

It may seem an odd coincidence that this cartoon about a bear not finding salmon on the moon appeared in papers just days before NASA announced they had found water on the moon. But in truth, I knew about the water on the moon ahead of time because I put it there. CHNW and I get water delivered to our place in Brooklyn and they brought too much one month, cluttering up the hallway just outside our door. So I stored a bunch of them on the moon to get them out of the way. I probably shouldn't have done it, but I figured no one ever uses the moon anyway, who's going to know?

I wonder how long it will be before they discover a mountain bike and some old record albums on the moon?

Raising or Selling Your Offspring

Bizarro is brought to you today by DO NOT CLICK THIS!

I'm no expert on child rearing, but I raised two daughters to adulthood without a single unwanted pregnancy or brush with the law. Both are well-adjusted adults in long-term relationships and claim to be happy, so I must have done a decent job.

But no matter how well you do with your kids, at some point they will end up needing therapy. This cartoon is a simple, albeit surreal acknowledgment of that fact.

But the inevitable screwing-up of your kids despite your best efforts does not mean you shouldn't at least try to do your best, or raise them the way the Dahmers raised Jeffrey.

If you want kids like mine (because those are the only ones I know how to produce), follow these simple guidelines:

1. Make sure they know you love them, even when they screw up.

2. Make sure they know their life is their own not yours– if they succeed, the trophy has their name on it, not yours. If they mess up, the mugshot is of them, not you.

3. Don't lie to them. If you tell them that marijuana is as dangerous as crystal meth, they'll eventually figure out that isn't true and discard everything you ever told them. If you act all high and mighty about sex and they find out you lost your virginity at 17, you're sunk.

4. Give them knowledge, then trust them to use it to make their own decisions. Knowledge never hurt anyone who wasn't already going to find a way to get into trouble anyway. Tell them the truth about sex, drugs, politics, religion, history, and then tell them those are just your opinions and you're as fallible as the next guy. In the end, they'll have to weigh that info against their own experiences and make up their own minds.

5. Don't be a hypocritical simple-minded nitwit. Your kids are more likely to be like you than anyone else on the planet. Be the person you want your kids to be.

6. Treat your kid with respect, the way you would want their spouse to treat them one day. If you treat them well, they'll expect that from their friends and lovers. If a guy tries to treat your daughter poorly and she's not used to that at home, she'll kick him to the curb.

7. If all of the above doesn't work and your kid is still a complete jackass, always in trouble, torturing small animals in the basement and stealing from your neighbors, sell him or her to the black market organ trade and get some of your money back. Someone who might contribute positively to society could benefit from a new liver or kidney.

That's all I know, keep in mind I'm not an expert, only a cartoonist. Your results may vary.

Contest #11 WINNNERRRR!!!

Wow, what an exciting 24 hours it has been! Yesterday, inexplicably, my blog started going all screwy on me and people were having trouble viewing it. I managed to post the contest at 4pm NYC time, but could not actually view the page myself. I sent a note to Blogger Help about it, but you know how that can be sometimes. This morning, they sent me an answer and I fixed it. Whew!

Because of this evil act of malice perpetrated by unseen forces of darkness, many contestants had trouble viewing the contest. Please accept my apologies. But I guess some did not, because there were still enough entries to find winners. Here they be:

International Grand Prize Winner!!!!....Philip Crow (dude, I need your email address)
Second Prize Winner!!!...Ron Rounds
Third Prize Winner!!..Spyra

A few contestants got their answers in early enough to win, but did not list the "taller cactus" as one of the differences. Many contestants listed that one last, which tells me it was the hardest to spot. Fascinating. (I am touching my chin and nodding thoughtfully)

Many thanks and congrats to all who played, won, lost, loved, lived. You are what keeps me getting out of bed in the morning! (Or afternoon, depending)

Winning Answers:
1. kemosabe into kemosake
2. cowboy hat turned upside
3. conan o'brien
4. toucan on witch
5. floor pie switched
6. lone to love
7. monkey head into weird head
8. horse has pipe
9. dynamite moved positions
10. different amount of brown on right horse
11. arrow in Indian
12. buck teeth on right horse
13. different date on bottom right
14. dorothy has different colored ribbons
15. cactus is taller

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this morning. All the previous caveats apply.


1 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
2 (+1). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
3 (-1). The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb
4 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
5 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid
6 (-). The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks
7 (+1). Logicomix: An Epic Search for Truth
8 (+36). Warriors: Ravenpaw's Path #1: Shattered Peace *
9 (+39). Tumor Chapter 1 (kindle)
10 (+1). Dilbert: 2010 Day-to-Day Calendar
11 (-3). Watchmen
12 (+6). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
13 (-4). Bloom County Complete Library Volume 1
14 (-1). Predators and Prey (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Vol. 5)
15 (+2). The Complete Peanuts 1971-1974 Box Set
16 (-6). Stitches: A Memoir
17 (+29). Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History
18 (+23). Simon's Cat
19 (R). The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes
20 (-6). V for Vendetta
21 (-9). Tales from the Crypt #8: Diary of a Stinky Dead Kid
22 (N). Green Lantern: Agent Orange *
23 (-). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
24 (+25). Bone: The Complete Cartoon Epic in One Volume
25 (-10). Batman: The Killing Joke
26 (R). Marvel Encyclopedia
27 (-3). The Arrival
28 (R). The Walking Dead, Vol. 10: What We Become
29 (-1). Batman: Arkham Asylum (15th Anniversary Edition)
30 (R). Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
31 (-11). Masterpiece Comics
32 (+8). Scientific Progress Goes 'Boink': A Calvin and Hobbes Collection
33 (+17). Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art
34 (-4). Wolverine: Old Man Logan *
35 (-2). Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds HC
36 (N). The Walking Dead Volume 11: Fear The Hunters *
37 (N). Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons
38 (N). Celebrating Peanuts: 60 Years *
39 (N). Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 21 *
40 (-8). Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic Volume 7 - Dueling Ambitions
41 (N). Popeye Volume 4
42 (-5). Criminal (Deluxe Edition) *
43 (R). 14 Years of Loyal Service in a Fabric-Covered Box: A Dilbert Book
44 (R). Bone Volume 4: The Dragonslayer
45 (R). Dilbert 2.0: 20 Years of Dilbert
46 (-20). Vampire Knight, Vol. 8
47 (R). Halo: Uprising
48 (-10). The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
49 (N). Johnny Cash: I See a Darkness
50 (-5). Bone Volume 1: Out From Boneville

Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.

N = New listing appearing on list for first time
R = Item returning to the list after having been off for 1 or more weeks


Commentary:

* Two comics leap way up into the top ten this week: Warriors: Ravenpaw's Path #1: Shattered Peace, because it's part of the secret comic book economy; and Tumor Chapter 1 on the Kindle, I think maybe because the Tumor graphic novel is now available for pre-order and people may have been trying out the free sampler.

* Several debuts this week, led by Green Lantern: Agent Orange at #22. The GL books always seem to make a splash, but don't stick around as long as their Batman counterparts.

* I have no idea of the reason for the sudden surge of interest in Calvin & Hobbes. You know, other than it's an awesome comic strip; but why now?

CONTEST #11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Click on the cartoon contest image below to enlarge and play!

RULES, ETC:
As usual, the upper image is the original cartoon, the warped image beneath it has been changed. Your mission, if you are a groovy dude, chick, both or undecided is to find those differences.

1. There are 15 differences between the two cartoons.
2. NONE of the differences have to do with the warped nature of the second image.
3. ALL of the differences are something missing, added, or moved, not just "bent" from the distortion. The differences will not be too subtle, so once you spot one you should be relatively certain you've found it. (As opposed to something like, "I think that guy has one extra whisker. Hmmm.")
4. FIRST PERSON to correctly list the 15 differences in the comments section of the contest post wins 5 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards, mailed by me personally from Bizarro International Headquarters in Brooklyn. I'll even lick the stamp, unless it's self adhesive. SECOND AND THIRD persons with correct answers will each get 2 packs of Bizarro Trading Cards!
5. Put your email address on your comment so I can contact you if you win. I won't post it or keep it or file it or sell it or mount a Broadway musical about it.

Enjoy, good luck, and eat sensibly! Click on the image to enlarge...