Cracker Debator

Today's Bizarro was brought to you by Godfish Baked Snack Crackers. "Just like those Goldfish crackers, but omnipotent!" (Now in new chocolate flavor!)

This is the infamous Evangelical Goldfish Cracker cartoon that so many people have referenced in the blog comments of the past few days. I love this one, too.

Some have said that this cartoon is backwards, that creationists believe we came from "somewhere" (God) and evolutionists believe we popped up from "nowhere" (spontaneous life). But evolutionists argue that it is creationists who believe we popped up from nowhere (created "as is" by God) and evolutionists who believe we developed slowly from a logical process of chemistry (evolution). Funny how that works either way, depending on your point of view.

Psychology studies have shown that people tend to make facts bend to their belief system, rather than the other way around. Humans do this naturally, it's nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something we should be aware of. Scientists emphatically try to look at facts with an open mind before forming theories, and even they sometimes get it backwards.

A group of Palestinians and Israelis were shown the same TV news report about their endless struggle, then interviewed. Each person thought the news report was unconscionably biased against their own side. We see the same thing in American politics. The Dems think McCain is getting a free pass from the press, the Reps think Obama is getting a free ride.

My belief is that you have to throw out your own opinion about anything from time to time, and look at the facts with new eyes. I like to pretend I'm from another planet and I've just arrived here for the first time. As I study the myriad life forms, would I conclude they were the result of a slow chemical process or a supreme being? If I studied human political history, would I side with conservatives or liberals? Studying mammals, would I think that humans were a benign force or a mutant malignancy? Looking at the Olsen twins, would I imprison or euthanize them?

Use your own filter to decide which cracker has a better grip on reality. But while doing so, try not to think of this.

Saving the Day

Today's Bizarro is made possible by Mr. and Mrs. Marciuliano.

This cartoon represents day two of the vacation week I took, my first in 23 years of syndication. The week off, during which Francesco Marciuliano wrote and drew cartoons for Bizarro in my stead, actually happened five weeks ago – that's the lead time on daily cartoons.

I was having some serious personal issues that were bringing me down, plus I had a trip to South Dakota with the in-laws coming up and between the two, I was at my wit's end. One day, I found myself standing on the ledge outside of my building with a handful of sleeping pills and a gun in my mouth.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Gotham City, mold-mannered Francesco Marciuliano ("Ces" to his friends) sat quietly at his drawing table sketching naked Smurfs when a radio news report caught his eye. "Why, that's my friend Dan Piraro on that ledge!" shouted Ces. "I've got to do something (that could benefit my career!)"

Grabbing a cape on his way out the door, Francesco raced into the subway station and hopped an express train to Brooklyn. A mere one hour and 49 minutes later he was standing at the foot of my building shouting up at me through a bullhorn, "Dan, it's me, Ces! You don't have to end it like this! There's another way! There's gas fumes, carbon monoxide, asphyxiation, who knows how many more!"

Suddenly it hit me to ask him to do a week of cartoons for me so I could regroup and he not only stepped up to the plate, but licked it clean. So you not only have Ces to thank for a week's entertainment, but also for my ability to return to my former glory in full stride.

Thank you, Francesco Marciuliano, for a job well done! You are this week's Cartoonist Suicide Prevention Operative!

New Library Comics: Week of July 28, 2008

Here's a list of the comics we added to our library collection last week:


Jansson, Tove. Moomin : the complete Tove Jansson comic strip vol. 2 / Montréal : Drawn & Quarterly ; New York, NY : Distributed in the USA and abroad by Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2006-

Mignola, Michael. Jenny Finn : doom messiah / Los Angeles, Calif. : Boom! Studios, c2008.

Umezu, Kazuo. Cat Eyed Boy vols. 1-2 / San Franciso, CA : Viz Media, 2000-

Umezu, Kazuo. The drifting classroom vols. 2-3 / San Francisco : Viz Media, 2006-

Ware, Chris, 1967- The Acme novelty library number 18. / Chicago, Ill. : Acme Novelty Library : distributed in the U.S. by Drawn and Quarterly Books and Farrar, Strauss and Giroux, 2007.


This listing is available as an RSS Feed!

Straightjacket Poultry

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Not Bizarro. "Producing cartoons that are not Bizarro since 1998."

Last week in newspapers, which is this week on the blog, I had/have a guest cartoonist. A handful of other cartoonists have done this before so I thought I'd try it. I've been coming up with 7 cartoons per week since 1985, without a vacation (unless I work double time beforehand, in which case I am too mentally exhausted to spend my vacation anywhere but a convalescent home) and felt I could use a break. It was terrific to have a week off and know that my feature was in the hands of a great cartoonist and a good friend.

I got varying emails and comments on this blog from those who liked or didn't like Francesco's work. That's to be expected, of course. But sadly for Francesco, it is an unfortunate trait of the human monkey that we are more motivated to speak out if we dislike something than if we like it. So this week, I'd love it if a few of you who like Francesco's cartoons could leave a quick comment.

I love this joke because I raised a couple of daughters on Sesame Street (you didn't expect me to teach them to count and read myself, did you? I'm an important man with important things to do!) and remember a time when only Big Bird could see Snuffleupagus.

Last Friday, over our weekly hookah pipe, Francesco told me that they decided at some point that others should see Snuffy, too, so that Big Bird's experiences would not teach children to keep quiet about abuse because adults won't listen anyway. Who knew children's programming was so complex? He also said that Mr. Rogers wore a sweater because he suffered from abnormally erect nipples that could be seen through virtually any shirt, and Kermit the Frog was sent from Sesame Street to The Muppet Show because he couldn't keep is 3-foot-long tongue off of Maria. Kermit being a devout Muslim, Miss Piggy was safe from his meandering mouth organ.

I also have had a lot of experience with anti-psychotic drugs, so this joke spoke to me on many levels.

Check out Francesco's blog here (my recent fave is the Wal-Mart memorandum) and other cartoons here. (My recent faves are July 22 & 23 and August 1 & 4) Some of his cartoons are not appropriate for kids under the age where their parents don't mind them reading so-called profanity.

Stuffed and Stuff

(For making the picture so much bigger, click it now)

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Natural Selection. "Hey, wimp – come here!"

My favorite thing about drawing this cartoon was deciding what stuffed animals would be sacrificed. Hello Kitty was a must, of course, because that hydrocephalic (as one of this blog's commentators called her) feline has always given me the willies. I have nothing against muppets, however, Kermit and Elmo were chosen entirely because of their celebrity. In fact, Elmo was suggested by my intern, Greg, as I recall. I also threw in the Bizarro Bunny, because it's my cartoon and I can do what I want, dammit.

In Britain, this comic would have an entirely different connotation. "Stuffed" in the land of bangers and mash means what "f#cked" does to those of us in the land of burgers and fries. An angry driver in London might yell, "Get stuffed!" or "Go stuff yourself!"

Remember that next time you're visiting relatives for Thanksgiving. It makes the after dinner conversation with Aunt Ruby so much more amusing.

Cheeks

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Taboos and Interdictions International.

Here is another cartoon that never appeared in Bizarro. As uppity as most of us Americans were about the offense that some Muslims took to the Danish cartoon featuring Mohammed, there are similar attitudes against cartoons about Jesus in this country.

Most comics editors will allow cartoons about god, angels, Satan, Buddha, Hindu gods, etc., but Jesus is off limits. This isn't a stated policy, they just know that large numbers of their readership will go ballistic and they'll lose time dealing with their protestations, so they decline the gag and ask for a replacement.

I'm not a fan of any religion because, to put it simply, I think they make people crazy. (Believing in invisible people with magic powers isn't what you could really call "not crazy.") Many of the wars fought throughout human history would not have occurred were it not for religion, most terrorist acts are committed in the name of religion, and without religion, you'd be hard-pressed to find a volunteer for a suicide mission.

There is no answer to this, of course. You can outlaw it, but it wouldn't change the human need to see patterns and ascribe meaning. There is a part of us that is crazy and will never be anything else.

Meanwhile, how funny would it be if a boxer believed in turning the other cheek? Hahahahaha!

Sandy Eggo Commy Con

Imagine 525,701 square feet of interior space crammed to the gills with chattering primates dressed as monsters, spacemen, toys, food, animals, heroes, villains, murderers, entertainers, historical figures, and nerds. Now imagine paying a lot of money to wait in line in the sun for hours to shuffle amongst them. That's pretty much the Comic Con.

There are also millions of really cool products to peruse and buy.

This year was my third trip the the world's biggest comics convention in the past five years. It was a typical experience, if one can such a thing about such an unnatural event. Here are some of my thoughts and pictures.



Paralyzed with fear as I prepare to cross the street onto the convention center's grounds. I waited through three lights, breathing deeply and reciting a mantra. That didn't work, so I took a couple of big swigs from my flask and headed in.














Since I'm a professional cartoonist, I get to walk past the line to get in, which is a true blessing
on a hot, muggy day like this one. You can't imagine the smell of a person in a Wookie suit after they've baked in the sun for an hour.

Out front I ran into what appeared to be the human embodiment of the continent of Africa. I asked him what his costume was supposed to be and he said, "Basically, I just always dress like this." Why not?


Unlike the first comic book convention I went to in the late 80s, there is currently no shortage of good-looking women and at these events. Here is a woman attempting quite successfully to restore my affection for America in the wake of the Neo-Con Invasion. Her boyfriend is not a ballet dancer, as I assumed from his tights, but something called a "Batman." He denied having sonar, eating insects, or pooping upside down, so I'm not sure where the "bat" part comes in.





This young woman claimed to be representing the season of autumn, and yet nothing about her suggested impending death or dormancy. A friend of mine said he wanted to wait until her leaves fell off and I reprimanded him severely.


This fetching lass didn't really know what her costume was about, but she was a Bizarro fan and wanted to take a picture with me. Having lost my soul to photography years ago, I have no fear of snapshots and relented. After, she gave me her business card, which was a color photo on both sides of her posing pin-up style on a bed, clad only in a thong, her name and contact info below. I asked what the card had to do with her business – if she was a model or exotic dancer for instance – but she assured me that she was nothing of the sort. "That's just my card."


One of my favorite costumes this year was this sexy, big-headed cat with oven mitts. She didn't speak a lot of English, but had apparently practiced saying "hello" to herself and had that down pat.





These two did not arouse my patriotism as well as the "Batman's" girlfriend did, but they were exceptionally sincere and assured me that they still believe elections in this country are fair and honest. This kind of youthful idealism is always so inspiring.







This deformed, hairless child broke my heart and I could not resist kissing him. (or her) His/her reaction was minimal, but I think I detect a smile.















No super villain-themed event would be complete without an animatronic of Rush Limbaugh. It was kind of them to place a bowl for those conventioneers who, like me, could not keep their lunch down at the sight of him.














An embarrassing thing happened mid afternoon when a creature that I think is supposed to be one of the Golden Girls stole my hat.

















Fortunately, a kooky ninja-borderguard-cable-repairman guy got it back from her (him, it?) but then refused to give it back to me.














Eventually, these two un-costumed super heroes retrieved my hat by pointing into the distance and yelling, "It's William Shatner!" at which point the nerdo negra took off running and my hat flew off.


Safely back to my table, I sold books, Bizarro Trading Cards, personalized sketches, prints and some of my old Led Zeppelin 8 track tapes that I no longer listen to. All of these products, with the exception of the 8 track tapes which sold out, can be found here.