Scary World of Danger

Bizarro is brought to you today by Urban Health Hazards.

If your local paper prints its comics in color on weekdays as well as Sunday, you may have seen this cartoon in a different form. I was out of town and unable to send my own color files in time and so the syndicate used their usual coloring service to color a week's worth of Bizarros in mid-January. Many cartoonists opt to use this kind of service all the time, but I like my cartoons to look different, so I do them myself. Below is the cartoon as it appeared in such papers.

As you can see, these commercial services do a much simpler job on the comics than I like to do, hence the extra work I put in (without extra pay.) I think it's worth it.

I've long had a problem with America's tendency to want to make everything so safe that you can scarcely hurt yourself if you try. Product safety is a good thing, I don't want to buy a car that will explode into flames if I back into a lamppost at the mall. But in my humble and cranky opinion, putting railings and warning signs around everything from volcanoes to the Grand Canyon goes much too far toward defeating natural selection. I think if someone is dumb enough to climb down into an active volcano, or jump off a cliff into a raging river, they probably shouldn't live long enough to pass those genes on.

When I was in Hawaii recently, I crossed a bridge about 40 feet above a crashing river with huge boulders. There was a forbidding sign warning you that people have been injured or killed jumping off this bridge into the water. I didn't need this sign, neither would have you. Yet there were three young men in their 20s jumping off into the water. They seemed to be surviving, but then I didn't hang around all that long.

We're not the only country to indulge in this habit of protecting morons. I saw the same thing in Italy not long ago. This sign was warning tourists against the inherent dangers of using your umbrella improperly. Personally, I never use an umbrella in any way that is not recommended in the directions.

If you're going to post warning signs, I prefer this style.

BIZARROMANIA!

BE AS HAPPY AS TOM CRUISE WITHOUT EVER HAVING TO EVEN BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS KATIE HOLMES!

SIMPLY ORDER A BEAUTIFUL COLOR PRINT OF ANY BIZARRO CARTOON THAT YOUR HEART DESIRES BY FOLLOWING THESE EASY STEPS!

1. Choose a cartoon
2. Go to this website
3. Do what it tells you
4. Receive print
5. Hang it in your home, glue it to your vehicle*
6. Rule your world

*Also good for giving as gift

Friday Night Fights: Leiko vs. War-Yore

From Master of Kung-Fu #57 (1977). Art by Jim Craig. Inks by John Tartag. Letters by Denise Wohl. Color by Phil Rache. Story by Doug Moench. (click pics for larger)

Ka-Pow? Frak! Bwok! Chunt!

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this afternoon. All the previous caveats apply.


1 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
2 (-). Watchmen
3 (+1). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
4 (-1). Diary of a Wimpy Kid
5 (N). Barack Obama Amazing Spider-Man #583 Flag Cover Variant Third Printing
6 (-). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
7 (+8). Batman: The Killing Joke
8 (N). Amazing Spider-Man #583 2nd Printing Yellow Cover Obama Variant
9 (+2). The Joker
10 (+2). The Walking Dead, Vol. 9: Here We Remain
11 (-3). Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
12 (-3). Watchmen (hardcover)
13 (-8). Amazing Spider-Man #583 Barack Obama Variant
14 (-7). Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History
15 (+2). Crown Of Horns (Bone)
16 (-6). The Complete Persepolis
17 (+2). Serenity, Vol. 2: Better Days
18 (-4). Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic
19 (+8). Wolves at the Gate (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume 3)
20 (-7). Maus II: A Survivor's Tale: And Here My Troubles Began
21 (-5). Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art
22 (+16). The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes
23 (-3). V for Vendetta
24 (-2). Secret Invasion *
25 (N). Amazing Spider-Man #583 1st Printing Obama Variant (Blue Cover)
26 (-). Batman: Year One
27 (-9). Dean Koontz's Frankenstein: Prodigal Son *
28 (-). Batman: Arkham Asylum (15th Anniversary Edition)
29 (-8). Naruto, Volume 35 *
30 (N). The Marvel Encyclopedia
31 (-6). Naruto, Volume 36 *
32 (-1). Batman: The Long Halloween
33 (+4). Fables, Vol. 11: War and Pieces
34 (-10). Naruto, Volume 37 *
35 (N). Berserk Volume 27
36 (N). Coraline Graphic Novel
37 (N). Star Wars: Vector Volume 1
38 (-9). The Long Way Home (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Vol. 1)
39 (N). The Arrival
40 (+8). The Sandman Vol. 2: The Doll's House
41 (-2). American Born Chinese
42 (-8). Scott Pilgrim Volume 5: Scott Pilgrim vs The Universe *
43 (-2). The Dresden Files: Welcome to the Jungle
44 (N). The Dangerous Alphabet
45 (-10). Alliance (Star Wars: Legacy, Vol. 4)
46 (-10). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
47 (-15). Watchmen (Absolute Edition)
48 (-18). Batman: R.I.P. *
49 (+1). No Future For You (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume 2)
50 (N). Angel: After the Fall: First Night Volume 2

Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.

Comments:

* People are still going to Amazon to pick up the Obama Spider-Man comic through third-party sellers.

* Upward movement on Neil Gaiman items; perhaps the result of his winning the Newbery this week?

Trophy Overboard

Bizarro is brought to you today by Astronaut Beagles.

This cartoon grew from one of my revenge fantasies about people in first class. I fly a lot and cannot afford first class, nor, apparently, can any of the organizations that pay for my flights. Because I am so tall (nearly 5' 8"), I find the seats in coach to be very uncomfortable. I know it is wrong and Buddha would be disappointed, but I cannot seem to help wishing I could toss one of the less deserving cretins in first class out of the plane and take their seat. Especially the vapid shopaholic girl covered with designer logos, bling and fur. What was her monumental contribution to the planet that earned her the extra $1200 it takes to get a comfortable seat?

Yeah, that's what I thought, too.

Of course, airlines will be out of business soon and we'll all be riding our bikes across country, so that will level the playing field some. I suppose I should find a place to live that I don't mind staying year-round pretty soon.

Celebrities in Jeopardy

Bizarro is brought to you by Creative Car Rentals.

As confounding as some celebrities are to us thinking people (a relatively low percentage of the public, so we must stick together) creating celebrities is natural, it's something we do as a species. Research scientists have observed similar behavior in chimps – given the choice of two buttons, one that produces food, one that shows them a picture of their troup leader, they will opt for the celebrity photo more often than one would think. So it is no surprise that as "troup" animals, we have an unquenchable thirst for information about certain ones among us who have acheived notoriety. What is surprising, however, is the wide range of qualities that can propel one to this ordained status.

Politicians are a no-brainer. They are our troup leaders, so of course we want to know everything we can about them and keep up with their day-to-day doings. In a very real sense, our well being depends on their actions.

Sports figures are understandable, too. For the vast majority of our evolution, we required a decent set of physical skills to get by – there was no handicap parking nor electric can opener in the Bronze Age – so it is reasonable to be interested in someone with extraordinary talents in that arena.

Actors, artists, musicians, writers and performers of all kinds entertain us and we like being entertained, so that's a natural. Murderers capture celebrity because once again, their actions may affect our survival.

So where does Paris Hilton fit into this primitive mindscape of celebrity making? My guess is SEX, pure and simple.

As mammals, our sexual impulses and proclivities are geared toward what our ancient biological programming thinks will be helpful to the survival of the species. (I'm speaking very generally, here, not about fetishes or abnormalities or anything out of mathematically mainstream human sexuality.) In this area, men and women are different.

Females tend to favor things like wealth, power, strength, age, ability, because a mate with these qualities can take care of them and their offspring, and endow their spawn with those characteristics. Males are simpler. They favor youth and the physical ability to bear and care for children over a long period of time. Which is why they go for looks (good looks = youth in the primitive mind) over quality. (Studies have also shown that adult faces that most people find attractive are those with proportions most similar to a child's.)

It is no surprise that men are simpler and more primitive than women. That's why there are often female celebs that have no discernable talent other than being "hot," but this virtually never happens with male celebs. They usually have to pretend to be actors or singers or something before they capture a magazine cover or get on a talk show. Good looks alone just doesn't cut it for us dudes.

On another note, here is a cartoon from last week that I
didn't post because I was out of town, frozen, ill, and busy. It's an idea from my pal and occasional contributor, Derek. I like the simple premise: what do you say to a person heading onto stage who already has two broken legs?

More tomorrow, thanks for reading. Until then, I remain your faithful servant and imaginary playmate.

Shameless Friend Promotion: Steve Lieber on The Erika Moen Show

Here's pal & cartoonist extraordinaire Steve Lieber being interviewed by cartoonist Erika Moen on The Erika Moen Show:



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