Friday, 12 June 2009

Fish Sperm, Education, Love

Bizarro is brought to you today by Our Amazing Oceans.

I often draw cartoons that require a fifth grade education or better to understand, and this is such a cartoon. I fully realize that when I do this, I leave out probably more than half the readers out there, not that my readers are younger than 11 years old, but that most people in the U.S. seem relatively uneducated. Ever see Jay Leno's "Jaywalking" routine where he asks simple questions of people on the street? It sends chills down your spine.

I've known many people with a college degree who couldn't find their way through the first round of Jeopardy with a single correct answer. I'm not talking about any of you who read this blog, of course, but it is alarming how many so-called "educated" Americans can't name the countries that border us or tell you who wrote Hamlet. Sad and scary. We're ripe for being taken over by a less lazy culture. Speak Chinese, anyone?

I like this cartoon because it depicts the unreasonable demands we sometimes put on our spouses. Female fish poop out eggs all over the place, then some male comes along and squirts his magic man juice all over them, they both have a cigarette, get dressed, and go home without so much as exchanging phone numbers and never see the babies again.

Long term monogamous relationships between humans become so prickly, even under the best of circumstances, it is easy to see why many people choose the fish method. Hopefully with the proper contraception so they leave the diseases and children out of the equation. That's never been my style, I'm a serial monogamist, but I can't fault in those who never hook up long term.

It's a lot of work and sometimes maddening. But often sublime, too.

Amazon Top 50

Here are the Top 50 Graphic Novels on Amazon this afternoon. All the previous caveats apply.

1 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
2 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
3 (-). Diary of a Wimpy Kid
4 (-). Watchmen
5 (+3). Final Crisis *
6 (-1). Time of Your Life (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 8, Vol. 4)
7 (-1). The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Vol. 3: Century, No. 1: 1910
8 (+7). Warriors: Tigerstar and Sasha #3: Return to the Clans
9 (+2). Batman: The Killing Joke
10 (+22). Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
11 (+2). Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History
12 (-2). Mercy Thompson Homecoming *
13 (+23). The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb *
14 (-2). Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
15 (+2). Stephen King's Dark Tower: Treachery
16 (+3). Serenity, Vol. 2: Better Days
17 (+16). Wrapped-Up FoxTrot: A Treasury with the Final Daily Strips
18 (+4). Bone: One Volume Edition
19 (+4). V for Vendetta
20 (+17). Nevermore *
21 (+13). The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
22 (+13). Batman: Arkham Asylum (15th Anniversary Edition)
23 (N). Halo: Uprising *
24 (-17). The Photographer: Into war-torn Afghanistan with Doctors Without Borders
25 (N). Batman: R.I.P.
26 (-). The Sandman Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes
27 (+12). The Complete Persepolis
28 (-3). Predators and Prey (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Vol. 5) *
29 (-15). Wolves at the Gate (Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume 3)
30 (-1). Star Wars: Vector Volume 2 - Chapters 3 & 4 *
31 (N). The Walking Dead, Vol. 9: Here We Remain
32 (N). Y: The Last Man Vol. 8: Kimono Dragons
33 (N). The Walking Dead Compendium Volume 1
34 (-3). Angel: After the Fall, Vol. 3
35 (N). The Sandman Vol. 2: The Doll's House
36 (N). The Adventures of Tintin: Tintin in America / Cigars of the Pharaoh / The Blue Lotus
37 (N). You'll Never Know Book One "A Good and Decent Man"
38 (-20). The Long Way Home (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 8, Vol. 1)
39 (-11). Berserk Volume 29
40 (N). Y: The Last Man Vol. 7: Paper Dolls
41 (+3). The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Vol. 1
42 (N). I Did It His Way: A Collection of Classic B.C. Religious Comic Strips
43 (-19). Batman: Year One
44 (N). Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art
45 (-18). Blueberry Girl
46 (N). The Complete Maus: A Survivor's Tale
47 (N). Maus II: A Survivor's Tale: And Here My Troubles Began
48 (-1). The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Vol. 2
49 (N). Serenity, Vol. 1: Those Left Behind
50 (N). Green Lantern Corps: Sins of the Star Sapphire

Items with asterisks (*) are pre-order items.


Commentary:

* Not a whole lot of excitement on the list this week; a large majority of the 'new' titles to the list are actually perennials returning up on the list, which tends to happen when there's not a lot of 'hot' stuff to be had.

* The biggest gainer is R. Crumb's The Book of Genesis Illustrated. Persepolis books also leap up, while Buffy books fall back to their regular levels after last week's spike.

* Only one manga title this week (Berserk) and just two Marvel titles, the bookstore-friendly Dark Tower & Halo.

* I had previously thought that The Photographer might show some legs, but it dropped rather precipitously this week.

Thursday, 11 June 2009

Mythology Humorolgy

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Men's Hats.

One of the many things I wondered about the Bible as a youth was why god is always referred to as a "he." The pronoun denotes gender specificity, which means god has a penis. Why does "He" need a penis if he neither urinates nor reproduces biologically?

Could it be "He" is not literally male, but just representing himself as such so we may relate to "Him" better? If that is the case, the whole "trinity" issue seems ill advised. How can three men (or two men and a ghost) be one man simultaneously? Whether they have penises or not, that's not very easy to relate to.

Another PR conundrum is that the Old Testament says Jews are the "chosen people." If "He" created all of the myriad types, groups, ethnicities, and nationalities of people on earth, why choose any one specific group to be your favorite? Seems unfair and a bit contradictory.

So the god of the Bible is male and likes Jews best – let's think about this. Maybe the answer is right under our noses. Maybe it is because male Jews wrote the Old Testament. Hmmm.


DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against Jews, this post is simply making a point about believing the Bible literally. I have many Jewish friends and neighbors and regard them on an individual basis, just like anyone else I meet. Bigotry against any group is deplorable.
DISCLAIMER 2: I have nothing against the Bible or any of the thousands of other religious texts around the world. I think interpreting any of them as the literal word of god is unwise at best, dangerous at worst. (See Jihad, Crusades, Fred Phelps)
DISCLAIMER 3: I have nothing against men or penises. Mine has long been my favorite organ.

Shameless Friend Promotion: Lieber's Going Underground

Pal and artist-extraordinaire Steve Lieber is teaming up with writer-of-awesome Jeff Parker to produce Underground, coming in September from Image (two weeks after Whiteout hits theaters). It's an adventure mini-series about caving, and of course looks like it'll be a darn good read.

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Must See TV

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by the New GM.

I've complained about reality programs here before, but I guess I'm not finished. I simply cannot believe the sort of drivel people will waste their precious time on this planet watching.

I recently found out about a show called Jon & Kate Plus Eight. It's a reality show about some people with eight kids. And?

I can think of few things worse than having eight children in my house at one time, even for an afternoon. The idea that they have nowhere else to go until they are 18 makes me want to kill myself. Why would I want to watch other people suffer in this way? Are there enough people with chronic schadenfreude to make this show so popular?

If a film crew were living with an old woman with unabating depression and painfully swollen feet, and followed her as she struggled to the store once a week to buy cat food for her 8 tabbies, would these same people watch it? Now she's watching Wheel of Fortune. Now she's making a chicken salad sandwich. Now she's struggling to the bathroom. Will the rewards never end?

And now a cartoon by a good friend of mine, Ruben Bolling, about Jon & Kate Plus 8. And here is Ruben's blog. And here is a page of previous "Tom the Dancing Bug" strips for you to enjoy. And here are his socks.

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Farmy Fun

It's time again for the June Jamboree at Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary. It's this Saturday, only 2 1/2 hours north of NYC, you can get there cheaply and easily on Trailways from Port Authority on 42nd.

Lots of fun, very laid back, meet and hang out with other species, take pictures of your kid licking a pig's nose. You can't beat it for the price!

If you're still saying, "DAN, I WANT MORE INFO!," click here.

Monday, 8 June 2009

Wolfy

Bizarro is brought to you by Love Not War.

I don't know much about X-Men, I confess I've not read the comics nor seen the movies. Yet, the imagery on TV is such that I wrote a couple of X-Men jokes lately. This one, and a Sunday cartoon that will run in papers on Father's Day, June 21, then will be discussed on this blog the following Sunday.

Oddly enough, the cartoon that runs on Father's Day is about men estranged from their families. I didn't plan it that way, I just drew the comic, then looked at my calender to see what date it should run. The next Sunday on the schedule was Father's Day. Whoops.

Regarding nail salons, I'm puzzled as to why women spend so much time and money on elaborate nails. Who really notices them besides other women who are interested in nails? Not judging, just wondering. Some of the ladies around my neighborhood have nails so long and elaborately decorated that they seem more appropriate for a Bond villain than a neighborhood mom.