Baby Lineup

Bizarro is brought to you today by Precious Angel Baby Muzzles.

I don't do a lot of "new parent" or "cute toddler" cartoons because it's been a long time since I've had those things around the house. Back in the eighties and nineties I used to have a couple of kids. Now I have adults which, personally, I far prefer.

But I still remember the mind-numbing effects of sleep deprivation and the smell of puke-soaked clothing. I was a modern dad, so I took turns with night feedings, and I can recall as though it were yesterday getting up at 5am with my eldest – Katherine, or Kelly, something like that – sitting on the couch shoving a bottle of milk in her noise hole while channel surfing to help me stay awake.

It was then that I discovered psycho-clown TV evangelist Bob Tilton. It was love at first sight and I began watching him almost daily. Shortly thereafter, I signed up for his mailing list and began getting all manner of idiotic posters and memorabilia designed to separate fools from their money. I plastered an entire wall in my art studio with his stuff. I even contemplated starting my own phony religion one day and bilking suckers of their hard-earned cash, just like Reverend Bob. I'm good on camera, have a captivating and persuasive personality, hate paying taxes. Why not me?

But I found myself in possession of a crippling disability that froze me in my tracks. I have a conscience. Though I do not suffer fools gladly, I do feel pity for them and cannot bring myself to cheat them. My loss, I guess.

Back to the subject of babies, when my adults were babies I promised them that someday, when I was very old and unable to take care of myself, I would repay the gifts they gave me as infants by screaming in their faces, puking on their clothes, and forcing them to change my diaper.

It seems the least I can do.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: No babies were harmed in the typing of this blog. Nor do I in any way recommend or condone unkindness to babies, the elderly, or any other innocent creature. Bob Tilton, however, does not qualify under this description.)