Frank Sex Talk

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Let's talk about my sex life, shall we? Not really my sex life, but my inability to make the sex happen with a new acquaintance, like our friend Mr. Hornybull is attempting to do in this cartoon.

It is my impression that there exist human males who can approach females unknown to them, engage them in conversation, and end up mating with them in less than 24 hours. This is a skill I cannot fathom.

As for myself, I am hopelessly shy around attractive women whom I do not know. I find it virtually impossible to speak to a woman to whom I am attracted without a proper introduction. I feel as though no matter what my opening line is, I will come off like a desperate dweeb looking for sex. Even if I'm not. (Looking for sex – I have no control over the dweeb part.)

Fortunately for me, I have a different skill and that is the ability to lure attractive women into making the first move. I have no idea how I do it, but all of the relationships I've been in have started because someone I found attractive talked to me first. Perhaps there are women who find the desperate-dweeb-too-shy-to-talk-to-women look irresistible. Whatever it is, thank the gods of physical love that I have it. Without it, I'd still be a virgin.

I'm not saying I have any control over this ability or could make it happen every weekend if I wanted. I am not the sort of person who cruises for sex, so I've never tested the limits. When in a relationship, I am loyal and not tempted to stray and I like being in a committed relationship. So there have only been a few times in my post-high school life when I was "available" and looking to meet someone.

Women, on the other hand, don't have this problem. If a woman wants sex, all she has to do is leave the house. It's a simple matter of anthropology and evolution: men will do it with any willing female, women get to choose. (Gross generalization, yes, but mostly true.)

I hope this frank discussion of the human sex act has been informative and educational. And remember guys, when a woman says "moo," she means it. Unless she winks, lifts up her blouse and shows you her udders.