Plans for 2011

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Welcome to 2011, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and undecided. It's going to be a fabulous, futuristic year, I can just tell. How do I know? Well, for one thing, 363/365ths of the year is still in the future. What does that tell you?

I'm not one to make new year's resolutions because I drink so heavily that by January 3rd I can never remember what it was that I was going to resolve to do, but here are some things I am looking forward to doing in 2011. I hope you'll join me.

1. Learn to fly. I'm not talking about in a plane –– who can afford all those costly lessons and the big metal machine itself? Not a middle-rate cartoonist like me, I assure you. So I'm going to learn to fly using my mind. Scientists estimate that the average person uses only 10% of his brain. I'm pretty sure I used that much just trying figure out how to set up my Facebook page, but that means I've got 90% of it left to dedicate to flying. I'm going to start working on it tomorrow, which means I'll have to dress pretty warmly.

2. Write, produce, direct and star in an Academy Award winning film. This is something I've been wanting to do since I was a kid. I'm not getting any younger, so this is my year. If you're a member of the academy, please vote for me next December or whenever it is that that happens.

3. Invent teleportation. I think this could be big. For years, people have been complaining about how crappy the airlines have gotten, well wouldn't it be cool if we didn't need them at all? We could just push a little pocket remote or something and appear wherever we wanted to like magic? I think it would really catch on. Of course, those of us who have learned to fly with our mind might still take that option from time to time if the weather is nice and we want to see the sights.

4. Clean my motorcycle. I ride my motorcycle all the time in good weather and I kind of neglected keeping it clean and shiny last year. I'm going to keep up with that in 2011.

5. Change some football rules. I like to tape football games (college and NFL) and play them back while I'm inking and coloring cartoons. It's mindless entertainment, something I don't really have to watch all the time, I can just look up when I hear the announcers getting excited. But some of the rules need changing. One is that if you act too much like an orangutan, you get thrown out of the game and can never play again. I don't like it when somebody makes a good tackle or scores a touchdown, then beats his chest and bares his teeth and stomps around like King Kong. It's just not good sportsmanship. I say, let your skills do the talking and skip the drama. This new rule will put an end to that.
Another is that if a referee makes a bad call and they don't reverse it after I see the slow motion replay, they get fined. While I'm at it, I'll make it so the money they pay comes to me.

I think that's all I am planning for the new year but it is after noon so I'm pretty drunk, so who knows, I may be forgetting something. If you've made resolutions for the new year, make sure it isn't to join a gym and get in shape, because statistics show that the gym will be super crowded by people like you for the first couple of months, then you and everyone else will stop going but you'll have to send money to the gym every month for a long time. That's their secret business plan. For the rest of the year you'll not only hate yourself for being out of shape, but also for being $? a month poorer. A better way to stay in shape is to steal someone's purse three times a week. It encourages you to run like hell and you'll make a few bucks each time.



















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