Non Bizarro Parade

Today's cartoon is not a Bizarro at all, and is brought to you by Parade Magazine. "Don't rain on us. Newsprint melts."

After decades of featuring Howard Huge and The Lockhorns in their comics section, Parade Magazine has recently taken on a small stable of different cartoonists to fill their page. I'm lucky enough to be one of them, and here are a few samples of ones they've run.

For the uninitiated, Parade is a semi-slick pull-out magazine that is included in Sunday newspapers all across the country. Many hundreds of markets, more markets than Bizarro's daily list, for sure. So this is nice exposure for me and a little extra money here and there. My drug habit being what it is, I can always use extra money.

They even have a caption contest now and then, which is fun. A couple of the future caption contests will feature my cartoons, so keep an eye out for them.

The first cartoon above is one of my favorites that Parade has bought. I like technology and always get a kick out of learning something new on my computer or phone, but I didn't grow up with it so it is more intimidating to me that it is for those of you under thirty.

I'm not a complete klutz, I've never taken a picture of my ear while trying to make a call, but I have spent 11 minutes sending a text message that would have taken me 11 seconds to speak, only to be texted back four paragraphs of copy less than a minute later. Who are these people with such fast and nimble fingers and why aren't they heart surgeons?

I've always loved lava lamps and am fortunate to have an original one from the 60s (exactly like this one, sans coffee mug) which came with CHNW when we married. Some would say that's not much of a dowry, but I'm happy with it. I also like volcanoes, but I don't have one.














I like this penguin joke, too. Tiny Speedos on just about anything other than a hot babe, are just inherently funny. Or disgusting. I actually have two swim suits: a baggy surfer-style one that I use for American beaches, and a small Euro-style Speedo (like this size) that I wear to foreign beaches. It's actually more comfortable and I don't feel as if I'm swimming in a dress, as I do with the big baggy American one. But wearing the small suit on an American beach just makes me feel conspicuous. People tend to assume I'm gay (partly because of the suit and partly because I am so good-looking and have such a great body) or an exhibitionist. I'm sure you ladies know what I mean when I say that being hit on by men is not conducive to a relaxing day at the beach.

Whispers and Shouts

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Subvocalized Punch Lines. "Act them out in your head, they're funnier!"

It has been my experience that people read in very different ways. Really good readers, with large, bulging, veiny brains, can glance at words, understand their meaning in a microsecond, and move on at tremendous speed.

Average readers, like me, tend to hear a voice in their head saying the words. (Don't get me wrong, I am an avid reader and can achieve the glancing technique when I just want the info and don't care about style, but when reading for fun I slow way down.)

Then there is the third type, who move their lips and whisper as they read, usually more slowly than they would speak, often with their eyes half shut and a little drool on their chin. (This third type is not to be ridiculed, many such readers have attained great personal success.)

The punchline above is one that begs to be subvocalized, as the emphasis on the words is essential to the gag.

One of my pet peeves is when a cartoonist emphasizes the wrong words in a caption. I see this all the time. For instance, if during a heated debate one character says, "What are you talking about?!" the proper word to emphasize is "talking." But often, the word "about" or "you" will be emphasized instead. Say these aloud and hear which makes the most sense: What are you talking ABOUT?! What are YOU talking about?! (this version could make sense, but in the context of an argument, it isn't the emphasis you're looking for.) What are you TALKING about?!

That's a hypothetical example and sounds dumb, but believe me, I see this all the time. If I went on the Internets right now, I'm sure I could find an example somewhere and post it. But then I'd be deriding a colleague, which is not cool in my book. Unless it is Jim Davis, who no longer writes Garfield anyway and who could afford to buy the entire block across the street from my apartment in Brooklyn, turn it into an ice cream truck parking lot and leave the music on all night.

Happy Thoughts!

Bizarro is brought to you by Our Horrendous Predicament. "You asked for it – ENJOY!"

(click image to make it GMO BIG!)

Since I was a kid, I've enjoyed imagining and drawing what things would look like "if". Here, I got to explore what a pickup truck would look like if a 10,000 lbs. chicken stepped on it. It isn't strictly accurate, of course, an old truck from the 70s wouldn't have crushed nearly this easily or uniformly. But if I hadn't drawn it this way, wouldn't be funny. That's where science meets art in the world of the cartoonist. (said facetiously)

This cartoon also serves as a reminder of the dangers of GMO foods. Chickens probably won't grown to 25 feet tall (although I'd love to be there when one that size tore through the family room wall of Jim Perdue's house), but the truth is, we don't know what will happen. Like marriage, genetic modification can be sublimely beneficial or a never-ending horror show. In my opinion, it isn't something you should tinker with for as frivolous a reason as wider profit margins.

But that kind of thinking never stopped a capitalist before, so I'm pretty much just pissing into the wind. At least when the planet finally extinguishes our species, as our obese, pampered bodies succumb to flesh-eating bacteria and dissolve on live TV, some of us can wave our bumper stickers, pins, T-shirts, and cartoons and say, "TOLD you (cough, cough) so!"

This has been today's Bizarro Happy Thought. : )

I'll try to be more upbeat tomorrow.

Punny Paris

People suggest puns to me all the time but I rarely bite. Puns have to be very clever or unique or have a good visual to get me interested. In the case of this one, I just thought it was funny. Sadly, I can't remember who suggested this one or I'd give him/her props here.

(I know I've mentioned other people suggesting jokes to me a lot lately, but it is because I'm going through a tremendously rough patch in my personal life right now and am having trouble writing humor. Depending on others for the extra material needed to keep up with my merciless joke-a-day schedule is a life-saving option.)

Most people who wrote to me liked this one, but one reader politely suggested that I was making fun of suicide and objected. I politely explained that the Pont Neuf in Paris is a very short bridge and people don't typically use it for suicide, just jackassing around. She felt better.

Another email came in from regular readers who said they were in Paris a few weeks before this cartoon ran and saw a guy jump into the Seine off another bridge. They wondered if maybe I was there and that was what inspired the cartoon. Oddly enough, I was there and, in fact, was the guy who jumped.

I wish. I haven't been in Paris for years and really need to go back. Maybe soon.

REGARDING CANADA

I already mentioned this in the comments box of the previous post, but I would like to say that the Canadian immigration post was entirely satirical. I love Canada – Montreal, Toronto, and Vancouver are three of my favorite cities in North America – and hockey is my favorite TV sport by far.

If we have one more phony election in this country and John McSame is in the White House, I may be a permanent fixture in your 'hood. Of course, the thing I dislike most about NYC is the winter here, so I may go to Rome instead. I'll keep you updated.

Shameless Friend Promotion: Jim O @ ComicCon

Pal Jim Ottaviani sends along the following:

Hello all,

I will be a guest of the Comic-Con this year, which is a wonderful honor. That means that I won't be in the Independent Publishers area (where I've been for the last 8 years or so). Please do visit me in this year's special location:

Artist's Alley, AA-13

I'm also on two panels this time around, the first of which is sure to be interesting!

Saturday, 4:30-5:30, Room 4
The Story of an Image

Here's Tom Spurgeon's summary of this: "Killer guest list including [Kim] Deitch and [Jim] Woodring. Also, you can ask Jim Ottaviani, 'Why are you up there with the rest of those giants, Jim?' And he'll totally agree with you." (It's true -- Tom and I had that conversation in Charlotte. I'm baffled and flattered and expect to learn a lot from my betters!)

Sunday, 10:30-11:30, Room 3
Spotlight on Jim Ottaviani

Just as it says. We'll talk about some things I want to talk about, and then talk about some things you want to talk about!

That's it. Safe travels to all who will be at the show -- I look forward to seeing you there. As always, I'll have books to sell, including a limited edition hard cover of the Charles R. Knight autobiography, posters to give away, and a smile on my face and a song in my heart...or something like that.

Special bonus, to those who got this far: If you have a friend who wants to attend the show on Saturday but didn't pre-register, find me before closing time on Friday and I can help you out. First come, first served!

Finally, and as always, if you'd like me to remove you from this list, please reply and I'll take your email address off right away.

Thanks!

Jim

Pale Backs

Today's Bizarro cartoon is dedicated to the patriotic men and women of the American Northern Border Patrol. "If it looks like a Canuck and walks like a Canuck, we shoot at it."

Before any literal-minded readers' wigs start smoking, let me say I do NOT advocate shooting Canadians. Unless they are trying to sneak over the border, then they are fair game.

As the army of misinformation drones on Fox News tell us daily, illegal immigration is the biggest problem our country faces. They are behind the high price of gas, the sinking dollar, our faltering infrastructure, and the war in Iraq. It's not US, it's THEM. Any fool can see that.

But wait, the border between Canada and the U.S. is the longest unguarded border in the world. No fence, no barricades, no machine guns or howitzers pointed at Toronto. What gives?

That is a rhetorical question, of course. The last thing I want is for the U.S. to shut off the flow of illegal immigrants from Canada. My housekeeper and yard people are illegal Canadians, they work for peanuts and I don't have to pay their social security. Also, Canadian food is my absolute favorite. What would I do without my weekly moose tacos and Montreal Margarita? I contend that Canadians are hard working and gladly filling jobs that Americans feel are beneath them. So what if they talk funny? Who cares if they smell like maple syrup and think hockey is more important than football? I fail to see how they are eroding the fabric of our nation.

It's amazing what a little pale skin can do to alleviate a national security threat.