Disappearing Act

This Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Painful Truth Imaging Company. "We see right through your crap."

X-rays are pretty creepy, from a non-scientist's point of view. Imagine what people must have thought shortly after they were invented. "This thing can see through me. Awesome. Maybe now they can find out the cause of those headaches."

These days, nothing seems impossible. Technology changes so fast that nothing one hears is completely unbelievable. For instance, take this simple test: Which of the following statements is false?

1. Engineers can create transparent material as strong as steel.
2. There is a battery so tiny it can fit into a single human red blood cell.
3. The average home computer can process information tens of thousands of times more quickly than the human brain.
4. The average 5th grader can process information tens of thousands of times more quickly than George W. Bush.

Actually, all are true. What an amazing world we live in.

And speaking of the world, The Economist magazine recently asked what would happen if all the countries in the world could vote in our upcoming Prez election. Based on our own electoral college system, which countries would vote red, which blue? The answer is here. Most notable to me is the way Iraq and Israel voted.

Electronic Orifices

Today's Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Foolish Cool. "We'll make you look like all the other idiots, and you'll like it."

I've been looking forward to blogging about this one because a lot of people didn't understand it. I got a small wave of emails from readers wondering what it meant, some of them trying to attach a political meaning.

The truth is that I was simply poking fun at the way bluetooth ear devices have become a fashion accessory. In big cities I've been in recently – NYC, LA, SF – you see an increasing number of hipsters wearing their ear devices all the time. I suspect some don't even have phones. If you haven't seen this yet, it will only be a matter of time before the white suburban kids in your area are following in the footsteps of the urban Hip Hopsters elsewhere.

For those of you seeking a deeper political meaning, try this: Just as the U.S. is listening illegally to our phone conversations, Brazil is monitoring its citizens' TV viewing habits, China is stifling free speech, and Russia is imprisoning inveterate nose-pickers.

Oral Bullets

Bizarro is brought to you today by Links to Links.

This cartoon was in part inspired by a joke I heard a stand-up comic tell when I was a kid, way back in the late 1900s. It might have been the legendary Robert Klein, but I can't swear to it.

The comedian describes seeing a man catch a bullet in his teeth in a stage act and wonders how you learn to do such a thing. "All right, I'm going to toss you the bullet a couple of times, and you catch it in your teeth." He pantomimes an underhand lob. "Very good, now this one is for real," as he pantomimes loading the bullet into a pistol.

I've always loved that gag and it crossed my mind again when I was doing this beginner's golf lesson. I enjoyed caddying for my dad when I was a kid, but have never played golf myself. I'm sure it's fun, I like games and sports, but I'm so busy that I've always thought that the last thing I need in my life is a five-hour hobby. Maybe when I'm retired.

Speaking of "games and sports," I'd like to say that not all games are sports and vice versa. Football is a game and a sport. Marathon running is a sport but not a game. Checkers is a game but not a sport.

I mention this as a way of telling ESPN to STOP PUTTING POKER ON TV. Poker is not a sport and does not belong on a sports channel. If I want to watch people play cards, I'll go to a nursing home.

Flowing Fool

(Click the chart to make it bigger and see it gooder)

This fairly brilliant flow chart was created by Aden Nak. My only regret is that her appalling habit of winking into the camera is not represented.

BFFs

My eldest daughter, Krapuzar, visited me in Brooklyn last week and brought with her the new man in her life, a gentleman who calls himself simply, "Sneetch."

They both assured me that he is not this guy, but I still don't know if I believe them. It was a lovely visit one that we will all remember for weeks. Along with being a damn fine human being, Krapuzar is also a righteous violinist and played onstage with me in the last tour of The Bizarro Baloney Show, back in 2005 or 6 or something.

In other news: I've been in Raleigh/Durham all weekend at an animal rights convention. I did some comedy on Friday night for the troops in attendance, then a book signing at a local store on Saturday. Much fun and success all around.

I also got to meet a young cartoonist with whom I have been emailing for three years. His name is Victor (or was it Vance? I don't know, something with a V). He began sending me his work when he was 14 and I have used a total of 13 of his ideas in Bizarro to date. His hometown paper, the Raleigh News and Observer, recently published an article about our collaborations. As I recall, the headline was, "Hometown Boy Not Completely Useless," or something like that.

He and his ma (Denise? Dorothy?) came to see my comedy show on Friday night, and on Saturday night I went to his family's home for dinner. Not knowing much about vegan food, they prepared oatmeal and dry toast, but it was delicious.

After dinner we played Pinochle and listened to Jack Benny on the wireless. Good, old-fashioned family fun was had by all. Later, I passed a bottle of Scotch around and we took turns telling stories about the strangest place we had ever been naked in public. In all modesty, my stories were way more interesting than any of theirs.

All went well until I lit a cigar in their living room, scaring the cat who then knocked over a lamp and started a fire. They took this opportunity to drive me back to my hotel. I asked them to drop me at a bar, but apparently they all close at 3am there so none were open.


Thanks again to Vernon and the Rodriquez family (Reynolds? Ruiz?) for a great evening. We're all BFFs now.

Super Dancer

Today's Bizarro is sponsored by Unfortunate Fashions. "Let us make you the talk of the town."

I've visited this theme before but can't seem to get enough. I don't know enough about the history of comic book superheroes to know how this got started, but I assume that at some point someone decided to dress these guys this way and the whole thing just got out of hand.

I can imagine coming up with a hero like Superman (was he the first of this sort?) and designing his powers (flying, strength, x-ray vision) constructing his past (alien planet on verge of collapse, father sends baby into space to save him) creating his life on Earth (newspaper reporter, mild-mannered do-gooder). But when it comes time to decide how he will dress, what in the galaxy of possibilities makes you then decide to go with what is essentially a ballet costume with curtains?

Once the trend starts, other artists build on the concept and before you know it, you've got a gay pride parade. I have long suspected there was quite a lot of thinly disguised homosexuality going on with comic book heroes (not that there's anything wrong with that), and I was not the first to think so. I am amused any time someone can sneak "subversiveness" past censors and trot it out for the unsuspecting mainstream.

Friday Night Fights: Lady Blackhawk vs. Drunken Sailors

From Birds of Prey #112 (2008). Story by Tony Bedard. Art by David Cole & Doug Hazlewood. (click pic for larger)

Ladies night? Hawkaaaa!!!